I can't even save myself
I knew it'd only be a matter of a few days before I was already neglecting this. Keeping tabs on here means actually having to expose myself somewhat. Something I've run away from doing my entire life up until this very morning. Is 11:30 still morning? Of course it is. Actually.. I guess this is *early* morning for me, seeing as I'm not usually awake until sometime nearing 1:00 PM. I don't like the days. There's something very worn and tired about the way the sun cast its light this time of year. Depressing. I try to avoid it.
Yeah, Dustin's back from his camping trip. My reaction to it surprises even me. I'm not excited or expectant the way I thought I would be. A huge part of me knows we'll just carry on in this ambiguous way for as long as we both allow it. And seeing as neither of us are capable of dealing with our emotions, it's likely to be awhile before anything more comes of it. That's if I even want it to. I'm pessimistic enough to truly believe it'll end the same as every other relationship wnds. With this awkward bullshit between us (you know, kind of like there is right now) and unable to retain the friendship we first built some seven years ago. Besides that, the last time I took a risk I wound up wasting five years with a man who never deserved my love in the first place. Nah, he was too busy fucking other girls to notice how much I'd distanced myself from him. To this day he can't understand why we're not together. Why the remainder of his things here at my apartment are packed away in a battered box in the back of the storeroom. What an idiot. Me I mean. For wasting my good time and love on him.
There are people every minute of every day searching for good love. Not someone to bide their time with, but real true love and companionship. And then you've got people like Sean, who had it.. and pissed it away. Absolutely neglected it until it withered away and died. It's such a waste to invest so much into a person who doesn't nurture this beautiful thing they have. Or.. had.
And so you understand my hesitation.
Yeah, Dustin's back from his camping trip. My reaction to it surprises even me. I'm not excited or expectant the way I thought I would be. A huge part of me knows we'll just carry on in this ambiguous way for as long as we both allow it. And seeing as neither of us are capable of dealing with our emotions, it's likely to be awhile before anything more comes of it. That's if I even want it to. I'm pessimistic enough to truly believe it'll end the same as every other relationship wnds. With this awkward bullshit between us (you know, kind of like there is right now) and unable to retain the friendship we first built some seven years ago. Besides that, the last time I took a risk I wound up wasting five years with a man who never deserved my love in the first place. Nah, he was too busy fucking other girls to notice how much I'd distanced myself from him. To this day he can't understand why we're not together. Why the remainder of his things here at my apartment are packed away in a battered box in the back of the storeroom. What an idiot. Me I mean. For wasting my good time and love on him.
There are people every minute of every day searching for good love. Not someone to bide their time with, but real true love and companionship. And then you've got people like Sean, who had it.. and pissed it away. Absolutely neglected it until it withered away and died. It's such a waste to invest so much into a person who doesn't nurture this beautiful thing they have. Or.. had.
And so you understand my hesitation.
posted by Heather at 11:34 AM
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