I make me ill

I'm sure I've said something similar a thousand times before to what I'm about to ramble on about. But.. I don't know. Some part of me has such a desire to be something completely other than what I am. I want to be clean and decent and successful. And by successful I don't necessarily mean attaining wealth. I just don't want to feel like I'm a damn failure all of the time. I hate having this desire to strive for so much more and none of the motivation to back it up. I'm not happy with mediocracy and I never will be. The thing is.. I dislike most of the people I've ever met who are similar to the person I often wish I was. I know I can't be what I want. I just can't.. it's not in me. And the times I've come closest, I wasn't happy in the way I assumed I should've been. I never feel like I completely fit in, not with anyone. I don't feel like I am myself.. or like I even have an absolute idea of what that is. I'm so unsure all the time. I have some need to please people.. to be what I think they want me to be and I don't know how to escape that. I don't know how to say no to anything. I don't know how to feel comfortable to not always being agreeable. Just.. God.. I'm so sick of myself.

This isn't depression speaking, this is annoyance that I can't just fucking... STOP. Stop doing th shit I do. Stop convincing myself I can't have the things I want. Stop living in some fantasy world, wasting all of my time in some place I've created inside my own head to escape a reality I can't be content with. I just fucking.. I make myself sick by some of the things I do or the way I behave. Not because I think I'm some truly hideous horrible person.. more because I know I'm not, and so often I betray myself. I betray my own thoughts and dreams and actions. I know what I want, and I constantly deceive myself into thinking I can be happy without it. And by thinking if only I am who others want me to be then I'll find some comfort. I have no fucking self respect and then wonder why I'm always so torn and at odds with my own emotions. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.