Remember that time I moved to Arkansas?

For a month? Hahah man. It's not gonna work. I can't be happy there long term. I know this, Dustin knows this.. and so I'm not going back other than to collect my things. So.. it'll be like I was originally planning before he drove down to meet me. Yeah.. I'm moving to Florida. In about 3 weeks' time. Flying straight back to Tampa from Phoenix. M's still visiting so I'm not sure I'll be able to stay with Jane while I sort out a place to live. I'm hoping that will only take like a week or so. After I've secured a place to live and a job (hahah.. I'm probably kidding myself) I'll go back to Arkansas, pack up my stuff, and Dustin and I will drive out to Florida together and he'll help me get set up there. He wants to eventually make it out for good, but I don't know how likely that is. He's got shit to take care of back in Jacksonville. I miss him a lot, a hell of a lot. But it's not this unbearable, all consuming feeling like it was before. We'll be alright. And until he can make it down to Florida on a more permanent basis, I'll be somewhere I wish to be.

I've realized so much about myself in the past couple of weeks.. it's kind of scary really. It's too late right now for me to want to go into detail.. but I've realized it's unlikely I'll ever TRULY be happy, and it makes me wonder if *anyone* is ever truly happy. It makes me think we're all pretty much struggling with the same crap.. the same overwhelming feelings, and only occassionally enjoy brief moments of contentment. It's fucking frightening to realize I'll probably spend the rest of my life seeking out and not finding something to take away these frequent bouts of depression. I need to keep busy. I need to be somewhere I can get around on my own, somewhere I can fill my time, where I'll be surrounded by people I know. I need to keep busy to prevent my mind having time to dwell on things.

You know.. this is the best it's ever been. The happiest I've ever been. I LOVE Dustin. I love him.. I'm moving to Florida. I'll be a few minutes away from Jane. Everything is as I'd like it to be, but even right this moment I feel empty.

I miss Dustin, miss Jane, miss the beach, miss having a job and a place of my own.. I'm ready for everything to come together. And I'm ready for a bit of stability. I've only had computer access again for 2 days, and already I'm sick of it.

Ahh fuck, my foot's asleep and I just tried to stand up and stumbled. Hahah.

Bb.. I'm movin like.. 4 miles away from you. Ooooooh.