Where is my happy ending
Last night was rough. I couldn't sleep at all. We went to bed sometime around 12:30 yet I was still wide awake at 3:30. My mind wouldn't switch off. . it was racing a million miles an hour. I eventually gave up trying to fall asleep in bed and laid down out on the sofa. That wasn't much better :-\ 5:00 am came and went.
It's such a horrible feeling. It's uncontrollable. It feels like I'm falling off the top of a skyscraper at 200 miles an hour. It's quick and changing and out of control and thoughts come and go too fast and it's fluid.
Oh you have to be kidding me. As I'm writing this I'm talking to Dustin in IMs while he's at work... He just mentioned he woke up this morning, for no reason whatsoever, with the idea of joining the military maybe in a year or so. He's never ever mentioned this, and is even fairly anti-military .......I swear to you this is one of the things I laid awake thinking about earlier this morning.
I wpmder why this came to mind a few hours ago. I think it stemmed from me feeling trapped here in Jacksonville while I couldn't sleep. And as I so often do, when I feel that way, I get all manicy and start planning where to escape to. Where to just run away to at that very moment. And I started thinking how perfect it would be if I could be with Dustin and still completely get around on my own, as opposed to being sort of stranded here cut off from everything in his house. And then I started picturing under what circumstances and places would lead to that. Then it jumped to the vast differences in my relationships with Dustin and Sean.. and how being with Sean was so much about being taken away from everything I hated and getting to have the chance at this 'better life'.. whatever that even means. So then I started thinking about the differences in the guys I've dated and befriended.. And thought about Billy, who is in the army. And wondered how he was doing. And then wondered what Dustin would be like if he'd ever joined the military. What that'd be like if we were still together in the future and he enlisted. It went from there.
And just now he IMs saying for no reason he woke up this morning with the idea of joining the military to pay off student loans and for health insurance and all this.
Anyway.. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
I love him. I really do. It's never been this good or this easy, but I still have times I'm just so fucking uncertain about my own frame of mind. I just wonder if I'll ever be content. And maybe I'm incapable of being truly happy in any situation because I'm not happy with myself. So I spend so much time trying to run away from things and situations and people and circumstance.. and only ever wind up feeling the same way no matter where I go, because wherever I am, I'm still stuck with me.
It's such a horrible feeling. It's uncontrollable. It feels like I'm falling off the top of a skyscraper at 200 miles an hour. It's quick and changing and out of control and thoughts come and go too fast and it's fluid.
Oh you have to be kidding me. As I'm writing this I'm talking to Dustin in IMs while he's at work... He just mentioned he woke up this morning, for no reason whatsoever, with the idea of joining the military maybe in a year or so. He's never ever mentioned this, and is even fairly anti-military .......I swear to you this is one of the things I laid awake thinking about earlier this morning.
I wpmder why this came to mind a few hours ago. I think it stemmed from me feeling trapped here in Jacksonville while I couldn't sleep. And as I so often do, when I feel that way, I get all manicy and start planning where to escape to. Where to just run away to at that very moment. And I started thinking how perfect it would be if I could be with Dustin and still completely get around on my own, as opposed to being sort of stranded here cut off from everything in his house. And then I started picturing under what circumstances and places would lead to that. Then it jumped to the vast differences in my relationships with Dustin and Sean.. and how being with Sean was so much about being taken away from everything I hated and getting to have the chance at this 'better life'.. whatever that even means. So then I started thinking about the differences in the guys I've dated and befriended.. And thought about Billy, who is in the army. And wondered how he was doing. And then wondered what Dustin would be like if he'd ever joined the military. What that'd be like if we were still together in the future and he enlisted. It went from there.
And just now he IMs saying for no reason he woke up this morning with the idea of joining the military to pay off student loans and for health insurance and all this.
Anyway.. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
I love him. I really do. It's never been this good or this easy, but I still have times I'm just so fucking uncertain about my own frame of mind. I just wonder if I'll ever be content. And maybe I'm incapable of being truly happy in any situation because I'm not happy with myself. So I spend so much time trying to run away from things and situations and people and circumstance.. and only ever wind up feeling the same way no matter where I go, because wherever I am, I'm still stuck with me.
posted by Heather at 12:20 PM
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