You make me feel like I am whole again
Not sure how much point there is in really writing about this. Jane, you already know and well.. I'm pretty certain noone else reads this :P
Spoke to Dustin tonight. God.. today has been a rollercoaster. I went insane. I literally woke up feeling like the world was crashing down around me. All of these thoughts and emotions I wasn't prepared to deal with all came upon me at once. And I was too overwhelmed. Depressed and confused and just.. bad off. Really bad off. I was only up for about an hour and a half, in which time Dustin and I spoke briefly, before I'd had enough of today and went back to bed for another 2 hours. But not before finding myself on the floor crying and puking and shaking and having a panic attack like I haven't had in awhile. Something was seriously wrong and I couldn't hold it in anymore.
When I finally woke from my second round of sleep.. I couldn't hold back. I sent Dustin an e-mail explaining what'd happened today. How I'd lost it. I was gone. I rambled on for some time about feeling so miserable.. and about hating myself for putting him through it. And hating myself even more for putting him through it some 7 years ago and then LEAVING. I told him I was beginning to understand why I'd left back then. Why I'd eaten some 40 aspirin and then disappeared for 6 years. I hated what I did to him back then, and I hated myself now for considering doing it again. I told him I wished he cared for me, and that I wished even more so that he understood that I did for him. I even told him I wanted his approval so badly. That I'd never had any man in all my life truly approve of me. All this carried on for quite a while before finally I'd had enough of my own self, apologized, and sent the mail.
I left the house for a good few hours. I needed to get out. When I got back, I saw he'd responded. My God.. he had responded. He apologized for not realizing earlier in the day that I was that gone. He said he wished to death he could help me. That he understood completely and would never be frightened away by something like that. If anything, it'd made him feel closer to me.. but upset for being unable to make it better. He said he'd cried when I left one day and never returned. That up until this past January when I contacted him again, he assumed I'd succeeded in trying to kill myself all those years ago. He asked me not to do it again. Asked me not to leave again. I wouldn't ever leave again. I couldn't live with myself if I did.
No sooner had I finished reading it than he signed on. And this carried on in greater depth in ims. Oh I know, IMs.. How personal. But we did. I beat around the bush a good long while trying to explain to him in so many words how much it meant that he wouldn't judge me for this.. that he'd stay by my side. I fumbled over words. I told him how much he meant to me, and how I'd miss him on my upcoming trip. And well.. it was obvious as much as I was saying, I was leaving a good deal out. I think he got fed up of waiting for me to say what he knew I wanted to say. So he took the initiative and said it for me.
He said, in a roundabout way (because with us.. it's always in a roundabout way) that he loved me.. that he cared for me more than I could know. He said he'd wanted to tell me so many times in so many ways, and was pretty certain I felt the same way, but that he was afraid to. That basically.. even if we did both admit how we felt.. then what? We're way past the ability to just casually date. I care for him so much more than that. I told him that. I told him I too had wanted to tell him a million times. That it was starting to eat away at me, this awkwardness between us. I told him it hurt so much to have such strong feelings for him and to be so close and so open with each other in some regards, and yet still feel like there's this distance between us because neither of us would say anything. I told him everything. And he understood. But what now? This is a person who's offered me his home to live in. Where do you go from there? He's in Arkansas and I'm in Arizona.. what do you do with that?
Do you know what it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself? For someone to outright tell you that they not only know what you're feeling and going through, but have them explain it to you in a way that you yourself couldn't describe any better? He GETS IT, as he knows I do with him. We know there's these unspoken truths between us. We know that if one of us is thinking or feeling something, the other one probably is too. And so many times we say the exact same thing at the same time. Or we're in the same frame of mind and in the course of 2 hours, both go from feeling one way to the complete opposite. We know so well.
Now the reality sets in. And this is why neither of us said anything up until tonight. Now what?
Spoke to Dustin tonight. God.. today has been a rollercoaster. I went insane. I literally woke up feeling like the world was crashing down around me. All of these thoughts and emotions I wasn't prepared to deal with all came upon me at once. And I was too overwhelmed. Depressed and confused and just.. bad off. Really bad off. I was only up for about an hour and a half, in which time Dustin and I spoke briefly, before I'd had enough of today and went back to bed for another 2 hours. But not before finding myself on the floor crying and puking and shaking and having a panic attack like I haven't had in awhile. Something was seriously wrong and I couldn't hold it in anymore.
When I finally woke from my second round of sleep.. I couldn't hold back. I sent Dustin an e-mail explaining what'd happened today. How I'd lost it. I was gone. I rambled on for some time about feeling so miserable.. and about hating myself for putting him through it. And hating myself even more for putting him through it some 7 years ago and then LEAVING. I told him I was beginning to understand why I'd left back then. Why I'd eaten some 40 aspirin and then disappeared for 6 years. I hated what I did to him back then, and I hated myself now for considering doing it again. I told him I wished he cared for me, and that I wished even more so that he understood that I did for him. I even told him I wanted his approval so badly. That I'd never had any man in all my life truly approve of me. All this carried on for quite a while before finally I'd had enough of my own self, apologized, and sent the mail.
I left the house for a good few hours. I needed to get out. When I got back, I saw he'd responded. My God.. he had responded. He apologized for not realizing earlier in the day that I was that gone. He said he wished to death he could help me. That he understood completely and would never be frightened away by something like that. If anything, it'd made him feel closer to me.. but upset for being unable to make it better. He said he'd cried when I left one day and never returned. That up until this past January when I contacted him again, he assumed I'd succeeded in trying to kill myself all those years ago. He asked me not to do it again. Asked me not to leave again. I wouldn't ever leave again. I couldn't live with myself if I did.
No sooner had I finished reading it than he signed on. And this carried on in greater depth in ims. Oh I know, IMs.. How personal. But we did. I beat around the bush a good long while trying to explain to him in so many words how much it meant that he wouldn't judge me for this.. that he'd stay by my side. I fumbled over words. I told him how much he meant to me, and how I'd miss him on my upcoming trip. And well.. it was obvious as much as I was saying, I was leaving a good deal out. I think he got fed up of waiting for me to say what he knew I wanted to say. So he took the initiative and said it for me.
He said, in a roundabout way (because with us.. it's always in a roundabout way) that he loved me.. that he cared for me more than I could know. He said he'd wanted to tell me so many times in so many ways, and was pretty certain I felt the same way, but that he was afraid to. That basically.. even if we did both admit how we felt.. then what? We're way past the ability to just casually date. I care for him so much more than that. I told him that. I told him I too had wanted to tell him a million times. That it was starting to eat away at me, this awkwardness between us. I told him it hurt so much to have such strong feelings for him and to be so close and so open with each other in some regards, and yet still feel like there's this distance between us because neither of us would say anything. I told him everything. And he understood. But what now? This is a person who's offered me his home to live in. Where do you go from there? He's in Arkansas and I'm in Arizona.. what do you do with that?
Do you know what it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself? For someone to outright tell you that they not only know what you're feeling and going through, but have them explain it to you in a way that you yourself couldn't describe any better? He GETS IT, as he knows I do with him. We know there's these unspoken truths between us. We know that if one of us is thinking or feeling something, the other one probably is too. And so many times we say the exact same thing at the same time. Or we're in the same frame of mind and in the course of 2 hours, both go from feeling one way to the complete opposite. We know so well.
Now the reality sets in. And this is why neither of us said anything up until tonight. Now what?
posted by Heather at 12:26 AM
1 Comments:
<3 u
Post a Comment
<< Home