Take it all in on your stride
I woke up feeling better today. Much better. Last night was rough, but then I guess I should've expected that. I don't know why I neglected to even consider the possibility that leaving Flagstaff would be difficult. It's not as though I'm leaving forever. I may be back sooner than even I realize. Obviously I hope that's not the case, because if I find myself back in Arizona.. it probably means things haven't gone as planned. My spirits were up today, but just in the past hour this feeling of slight depression has begun to set in again. This feels so fake now. I've just spent the past 4 weeks living life. I mean really living life. And now here I am in front of the computer, with no human interaction of any kind.. and it all feels so fake. I have the television on, but I'm not paying the least bit of attention to it. It doesn't hold my interest anymore. Nothing does. Nothing feels whole. My mind and heart are split between Florida and Arkansas, and it feels as though there's nothing left for me here in Arizona.
That probably sounded more depressing than I intended for it to. I just mean I don't feel like I'm living as I'm sat here alone by myself, missing my friends and Dustin. I feel alone and discontent being here suddenly. Flagstaff's great.. but what good is any of it if I'm not sharing it with the people I love? It makes me wish I'd spent the day doing what I came back to do. I should be packing. I should be sorting things out to leave. I did none of that. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Having one day of laziness before I start the process of leaving is reasonable.
I said to Dustin on the phone earlier today that the one good thing to come out of being apart and back in Flagstaff for 2 months, is that it's made me realize I do wish to return to him. I worried maybe I'd be back here and wish to stay. And last night it looked like that might be the case, and I was scared and worried and over-analyzing everything. But today's made it clear that my time here is coming to an end. I really feel like a new chapter of my life is beginning. I'm more down this very minute than I've been in more than a month. This can't be healthy. Living my life down a phoneline can't be beneficial to my mental health. God.. this is so fucking fake and unimportant. Give me back what I had just a matter of 48 hours ago. That's what I want. That's what matters and that's what's real.
Oh... so I called Nik today. The last time we'd spoken was back in September before I went to San Francisco. We'd gone out for a meal and talked a bit. It was apparent then we were moving in different directions and had very little in common anymore. Not that we ever really did, but it wasn't even enjoyable seeing her again. She mentioned then that there was a possibility she and her husband would be moving to Missouri in May. So I called her and wanted to get caught up. She's had a turbulent past 6 months. Apparently they've had to sell their house to pay for legal fees after her husband fell asleep at the wheel, hit another car, and killed one of the passengers. They're living with his mom, which in itself is bad enough.. but she's also expecting their first child in a few months. I can't even imagine being in that position. She sounds overwhelmed, and who wouldn't be. Her tone of voice pretty much said it all. She sounds dead already. I didn't know what to say. I've never heard her sound more tired of life.
Maybe that's why I'm down right this minute. I mean.. up until we spoke on the phone, it'd been a relatively good day. I was hyper and giddy knowing I'd be returning to Dustin soon. But speaking to her maybe hit home the fact that we really are growing up and.. settling down (?).
Maybe settling down isn't the right description for my situation, but that's how it feels. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid responsibility, and here I am about to thrust myself right into the thick of it in 2 months. There's always an out if I wanted it badly enough. I guess time will tell.
That probably sounded more depressing than I intended for it to. I just mean I don't feel like I'm living as I'm sat here alone by myself, missing my friends and Dustin. I feel alone and discontent being here suddenly. Flagstaff's great.. but what good is any of it if I'm not sharing it with the people I love? It makes me wish I'd spent the day doing what I came back to do. I should be packing. I should be sorting things out to leave. I did none of that. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Having one day of laziness before I start the process of leaving is reasonable.
I said to Dustin on the phone earlier today that the one good thing to come out of being apart and back in Flagstaff for 2 months, is that it's made me realize I do wish to return to him. I worried maybe I'd be back here and wish to stay. And last night it looked like that might be the case, and I was scared and worried and over-analyzing everything. But today's made it clear that my time here is coming to an end. I really feel like a new chapter of my life is beginning. I'm more down this very minute than I've been in more than a month. This can't be healthy. Living my life down a phoneline can't be beneficial to my mental health. God.. this is so fucking fake and unimportant. Give me back what I had just a matter of 48 hours ago. That's what I want. That's what matters and that's what's real.
Oh... so I called Nik today. The last time we'd spoken was back in September before I went to San Francisco. We'd gone out for a meal and talked a bit. It was apparent then we were moving in different directions and had very little in common anymore. Not that we ever really did, but it wasn't even enjoyable seeing her again. She mentioned then that there was a possibility she and her husband would be moving to Missouri in May. So I called her and wanted to get caught up. She's had a turbulent past 6 months. Apparently they've had to sell their house to pay for legal fees after her husband fell asleep at the wheel, hit another car, and killed one of the passengers. They're living with his mom, which in itself is bad enough.. but she's also expecting their first child in a few months. I can't even imagine being in that position. She sounds overwhelmed, and who wouldn't be. Her tone of voice pretty much said it all. She sounds dead already. I didn't know what to say. I've never heard her sound more tired of life.
Maybe that's why I'm down right this minute. I mean.. up until we spoke on the phone, it'd been a relatively good day. I was hyper and giddy knowing I'd be returning to Dustin soon. But speaking to her maybe hit home the fact that we really are growing up and.. settling down (?).
Maybe settling down isn't the right description for my situation, but that's how it feels. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid responsibility, and here I am about to thrust myself right into the thick of it in 2 months. There's always an out if I wanted it badly enough. I guess time will tell.
posted by Heather at 7:59 PM
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