Sometimes I feel much younger..
...Sometimes I feel so old
Sometimes the warm sun shines
Sometimes it's dreadful cold
So very tired. 4AM came and went last night without a wink of sleep. I couldn't rest. I just laid in bed for endless hours unable to switch my brain off, but not in a bad anxious way. I think it was more to do with the mug of hot chocolate I sipped on around 11pm. I must've finally nodded off sometime nearing 4:30 and spent the day at work in an exhausted haze. Got a ride home from the coworker who takes up a great deal of my thoughts lately. We sat out in the parking lot here at my apartment complex talking for a good two hours. I don't know.. I'm so ill at ease at the thought of having to rely on anyone for anything. Even having to be dependent on him for a ride home put me off. I'm ultimately a loner and have a hard time being in any way close to someone. We did have a chance to talk, which doesn't happen often at work as we're interrupted every 4 seconds by the phones. I think he realized I have more issues than he may be prepared to deal with even on a friendshp level..
And well.. that's ok for now. I prefer being alone and apparently don't know how to cope otherwise. It's somewhat depressing to realize I truly don't have this deep desire or ability to feel safe with anyone, to ever let my guard down. Not that I would expect to be able to do that after one decent talk with a relative stranger, but it's a pattern I've noticed only worsening over the years. I have so little self confidence that anything that weighs on that is too overwhelming. It's easier to distance myself.
I have a hard enough time dealing with myself.. I can't, for the life of me, imagine why anyone else would actively choose to it's a shame really. Part of me knows how loving and caring I can be.. I just don't feel like I have the right to subject anyone to me to ever have the opportunity to show that side.
Sometimes the warm sun shines
Sometimes it's dreadful cold
So very tired. 4AM came and went last night without a wink of sleep. I couldn't rest. I just laid in bed for endless hours unable to switch my brain off, but not in a bad anxious way. I think it was more to do with the mug of hot chocolate I sipped on around 11pm. I must've finally nodded off sometime nearing 4:30 and spent the day at work in an exhausted haze. Got a ride home from the coworker who takes up a great deal of my thoughts lately. We sat out in the parking lot here at my apartment complex talking for a good two hours. I don't know.. I'm so ill at ease at the thought of having to rely on anyone for anything. Even having to be dependent on him for a ride home put me off. I'm ultimately a loner and have a hard time being in any way close to someone. We did have a chance to talk, which doesn't happen often at work as we're interrupted every 4 seconds by the phones. I think he realized I have more issues than he may be prepared to deal with even on a friendshp level..
And well.. that's ok for now. I prefer being alone and apparently don't know how to cope otherwise. It's somewhat depressing to realize I truly don't have this deep desire or ability to feel safe with anyone, to ever let my guard down. Not that I would expect to be able to do that after one decent talk with a relative stranger, but it's a pattern I've noticed only worsening over the years. I have so little self confidence that anything that weighs on that is too overwhelming. It's easier to distance myself.
I have a hard enough time dealing with myself.. I can't, for the life of me, imagine why anyone else would actively choose to it's a shame really. Part of me knows how loving and caring I can be.. I just don't feel like I have the right to subject anyone to me to ever have the opportunity to show that side.
posted by Heather at 7:07 PM
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