Though I know I'll never lose affection

This is gonna be a crappy post, I can tell already. I have a lot I want to express but no energy or motivation to take the time to do it right. Sean being here is nice. It makes me feel.. NORMAL for the first time since I've lived here. Not so far removed and depressed and dirty like has plagued me for nearly a year now. I like him being here, but it's painful in a way. Things between us are obviously not as they once were, and it's hurtful to be constantly reminded that we've both moved on.. that he doesn't need me anymore. It makes it much easier to get along when there's not deep emotions and a relationship at steak, but it's hard having to acknowledge that I'm not this important person in his life the way I used to be. He's not the same person, and I'm probably not either. And both of us are sat here trying to re-create 3 years ago but knowing that it's passed. He seems different.. distant. Well.. I guess he seems just as he did the day he stepped back into the house after returning from Indy. Detatched. Not in a way that would be noticeable to anyone else, but I feel it. Just as I did nearly 2 years ago.

I don't know how to explain it more.. I just.. I know he doesn't need me anymore, I know he doesn't love me how he used to. I know he's not innocent. I know he thinks he can do better. I know his love for me is more of a nurturing role than of partnership and passion. It brings all those feelings back from 2 years ago. It reminds me of exactly how little self esteem I had going through this the first time.

It's for the best.. I don't want him anymore, I haven't for a long time. But it still sucks and is a reminder of who ultimately left who, like somehow he won? I know.. that's so childish but it's how I feel. It definitely is easier being around him and geting along when I'm not looking at everything he does that annoys me as something I may have to put up with for the next 40 years. Now he's just my annoying good friend that I see once every year or so. That I can deal with. If I can get ahold of my pride and stop letting the technicalities of the relationship bother me, then I think we can continue on as friends as we've done up til now. It's reassuring to know that even after all this, after all we've been through and put each other through, we still care for each other a great deal, just in a different way. There was some basis and foundation for the nearly 5 years we were together that has allowed us to sustain a pretty good friendship even after the lust and passion and relationship itself has ended.