The short version

Living in Clearwater about a mile from the beach. Have a job, but just barely. My first day is tomorrow and I'm already looking for work elsewhere. Have met a lot of people here. Dustin and I aren't together, and more than that.. he's been dating someone else for some time now. I've played around with the idea of dating a few guys here I've met, but honestly they're not what I'm looking for. I don't know what I'm looking for, but it's not what they have to offer.

For the most part I love being here. Wait.. forget that. I always love being here. I never have a second thought about being in Clearwater. My mind isn't taken up with thoughts of fleeing elsewhere.. but that just means it's left with time to contemplate other things. Relationships, friendships, the future, the past.. what I've left, what I can expect.. It never stops. As generally content as I am.

I miss Jane a lot even though she's only a few miles away. I really miss her and the time we spend together is never enough. I love where I'm at.. it's just up to me to find things to do to fill my time. What I've noticed is that I don't deal well AT ALL with having spare time on my hands. I can't cope with my own solitary company. It's lonely and sad and depressing. I need to keep busy, I need to not have time to focus on any one thing.

As much as I try dodging responsibility, I really am actively seeking it out now. I need and want it. I'm ready to settle down and start building a life and a home for myself. I'm tired of instability and uncertainty. I'm craving closeness to someone and routine and all the things I've convinced myself I didn't want for so long.

I'm scared of being alone in my own apartment. I haven't learned how to cope with it yet.