I'm playing time against my troubles

I'm ready to go. I leave two weeks from today and they can't pass soon enough. I'm scared to think what I'm getting myself into. But.. I don't care anymore. There is no happiness for me here.. there probably is no real happiness for me ANYWHERE, but at least if I keep moving, the scenery continually changes. I don't really know what I'll do.. I can't afford to live there and it's unlikely I'll be able to hold a job. Feeling very lost the past month or so.

Today's Dustin's birthday.. I miss him so much. I just.. I don't know. Words aren't coming to me tonight, thoughts aren't coming to me. I just miss him. Want to throw my arms around him and just know everything's alright.

Jane's still gone. Brandon's gone. Can't speak to Dustin very easily. Missing everyone. Haven't been online much at all.. it doesn't feel real anymore. It's not real, it never was.

Does anyone ever really care? Want my brain to be numbed just so I don't have to deal with these thoughts and feelings. So so tired of this. Is that how it'll always be?