With the weight of the world, I summon you here my love

I leave for the UK for a month first thing tomorrow morning. I don't even know what to say. Today's actually been manageable. I've had friends and family by all day.. I haven't been alone, and it's helped a lot. I feel like I have a lot of support from everyone here. I know the coming weeks are going to be more difficult than I can imagine, but I know now I have so much to return to. My family, my friends, my apartment. Everyone's really stepped up and it's made this so much easier on me.

I can't believe Sean's mom is gone.. this woman that I thought would be my family, that I HOPED would be. I thought I'd give her grandchildren, and she'd provide me many more years of wisdom and laughter. I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with her, but it didn't seem anywhere near enough. It's not right going back to England and her not being at the house to greet me. She was so warm and welcoming and pleasant. She's one of the few people I've ever met and known well that I truly don't have anything but positive words for. I hope she knew how much she meant to me. I'll never forgive myself for not seizing the many opportunities I had to tell her, but I think this has ensured I never let that chance pass by with anybody else. She was so strong.. God.. she's such a strong person and I love her for that.

Sean paid me such a compliment earlier today by saying that having me around will be like having some of his mom's spirit around.. I don't think he realized how much that meant to me. I want to be strong for myself, and for her, and her family.

God.. please help me on this trip... give me the strength to get through this, and to come out a better person.