My feelings can't explain
I bought my ticket to Arizona yesterday. I have to go back for like 5 weeks. What the hell am I gonna do there for five weeks??? I promised my dad I'd go spend some time with him.. but I'm already dreading it. I don't know.. I don't feel like I have a home. All of my things are here in Arkansas, and while I'm starting to settle in, I don't know yet that I'd call it home. But Arizona? That's not home either. I don't even know what to do with myself while I'm there. And I don't know why my dad chose now to try to spend some time together. What's he thinking we're gonna do? I'm supposed to stay at his house for I think 6, 7 days. He doesn't even know I'm in Arkansas right now. He doesn't know I'm coming back specifically to go visit him like I said I would a few months back.
And then I'll go stay at my mom's awhile.. and what will I do there? Just.. what the fuck am I doing? I told Kenzie I'd be there for her birthday, and I will be.. but this is the worst possible time for me to be leaving Arkansas. I'm trying to adjust and as soon as I'm starting to feel comfortable, I'm gonna be leaving and then am gonna come back in a little over a month and have to do it all again. I hate this. Nowhere feels like home.
Told Dustin last night what I'd said to Jane earlier in the day... that if I couldn't be happy with him, I was pretty certain I couldn't be happy with anyone. He's my best friend.. you know? I'm more comfortable around him than I am anyone.. and if I can't stop being so fucking closed off and worried and held back about everything even to him.. then I don't think I can be happy being in a relationship. I want things too much my way. And it's not like I'm not willing to be the one to make the majority of the compromise. I wouldn't be here if that wasn't true, but I have such a hard time being entirely myself around people sometimes. Maybe that's true of most people? But it seems to come especially hard for me. I hate upsetting the order of things.. so I'll sit back and go with the flow and let things stew instead of immediately saying something the second it comes to mind.
When I told Dustin I'd gotten my ticket to Arizona.. he was giving me a hard time about it being a one-way. Joking I wasn't gonna come back. I feel like a dick for making him worry like this. I get so paranoid wondering if he really wants me here. And I told him that too. Told him I can't help how messed up my head is and how doubting I am of everything. He told me to stop worrying.. that he fully expects me not to be able to stay here, and that when it gets to that.. we'll do what we can to make it work.
I'm sick of rambling. I feel like I've just said all of that.. and said nothing at all. I'm having a hard time saying the things that are on my mind. AHHHHH. I think what I'm sayin is.. I'm ready to be settled, and I can imagine it being with Dustin, but I need it to be where I want it to be.. which is Florida. I want my place down there on the beach and him there with me. I'm starting to wonder if I can be happy without having both of those. I'm sick to fuck of not doin anything.. of not having a job and of just sitting around. I want a job, I want my own house that I can do whatever I want with, I want Dustin, I want the beach, I wanna be a fag on the pier with Jane. THAT is what I want. What I just said. That's it right there. All of those things. I think when I return from Arizona and know that I can look for a job then, I'll feel better having something to do. But man, I miss Jane and Florida and the beach. I just really don't think I could be down there and be happy now without Dustin there with me. Alright I'm gonna chill and just see what happens. I really am. That brings some peace of mind.
Hahaha.. Star Jones'll take off her wig and then do the weather. Hahahah Oh man.
I think we're goin to see the new Batman.
And then I'll go stay at my mom's awhile.. and what will I do there? Just.. what the fuck am I doing? I told Kenzie I'd be there for her birthday, and I will be.. but this is the worst possible time for me to be leaving Arkansas. I'm trying to adjust and as soon as I'm starting to feel comfortable, I'm gonna be leaving and then am gonna come back in a little over a month and have to do it all again. I hate this. Nowhere feels like home.
Told Dustin last night what I'd said to Jane earlier in the day... that if I couldn't be happy with him, I was pretty certain I couldn't be happy with anyone. He's my best friend.. you know? I'm more comfortable around him than I am anyone.. and if I can't stop being so fucking closed off and worried and held back about everything even to him.. then I don't think I can be happy being in a relationship. I want things too much my way. And it's not like I'm not willing to be the one to make the majority of the compromise. I wouldn't be here if that wasn't true, but I have such a hard time being entirely myself around people sometimes. Maybe that's true of most people? But it seems to come especially hard for me. I hate upsetting the order of things.. so I'll sit back and go with the flow and let things stew instead of immediately saying something the second it comes to mind.
When I told Dustin I'd gotten my ticket to Arizona.. he was giving me a hard time about it being a one-way. Joking I wasn't gonna come back. I feel like a dick for making him worry like this. I get so paranoid wondering if he really wants me here. And I told him that too. Told him I can't help how messed up my head is and how doubting I am of everything. He told me to stop worrying.. that he fully expects me not to be able to stay here, and that when it gets to that.. we'll do what we can to make it work.
I'm sick of rambling. I feel like I've just said all of that.. and said nothing at all. I'm having a hard time saying the things that are on my mind. AHHHHH. I think what I'm sayin is.. I'm ready to be settled, and I can imagine it being with Dustin, but I need it to be where I want it to be.. which is Florida. I want my place down there on the beach and him there with me. I'm starting to wonder if I can be happy without having both of those. I'm sick to fuck of not doin anything.. of not having a job and of just sitting around. I want a job, I want my own house that I can do whatever I want with, I want Dustin, I want the beach, I wanna be a fag on the pier with Jane. THAT is what I want. What I just said. That's it right there. All of those things. I think when I return from Arizona and know that I can look for a job then, I'll feel better having something to do. But man, I miss Jane and Florida and the beach. I just really don't think I could be down there and be happy now without Dustin there with me. Alright I'm gonna chill and just see what happens. I really am. That brings some peace of mind.
Hahaha.. Star Jones'll take off her wig and then do the weather. Hahahah Oh man.
I think we're goin to see the new Batman.
posted by Heather at 1:12 PM
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