I know there's nothing here to run from

I have such a difficult time expressing emotions, as though it's a weakness or a flaw to have these raw overwhelming, uncontrollable feelings. To let someone see that side of you is exposing yourself to them completely. There's always this barrier in front of me that I never allow anyone past, not even myself. I bottle everything up inside, because that's easier than having to admit to and deal with it.

It was upsetting tonight speaking to Dustin on the phone and not being able to allow myself to be vulnerable to him. I want so badly to tell him how much I love him, and how much he means to me.. to tell him I've never felt safer than when I'm lying in his arms. As much as he protects me, I want to do the same for him. My biggest desire is for his happiness and well-being. The one night at his house when he was down, it hurt so much to see him battling with his own head. I didn't take it personally because I know how it works, how stormy and random and impartial it is, but it tore me up to see him hurting, and to know he wasn't well, and that I couldn't help. I want with all my heart for him to be content and without harm. I want to take away all of the fears and concerns that torment him. I can deal with my own, but it hurts too much to see him struggle with it.

There's so much I want to say to him.. to really open up and tell him. And I hate myself for not being able to. Why can't I? I WANT to. I want so badly to. What am I afraid of and why do I feel it's something to be ashamed of. I'm so fucking closed off and I don't know how to change it, even when I try to. He deserves so much more than I feel I can provide him. He deserves to know and to be told how strongly I care for him, how wonderful he is, how I think about him constantly. Every minute of every day. Nothing is complete without him anymore. Nothing is right, nothing is real. I've found the one thing that's been missing all my life, and I can't even express to him how important he is to me. I want to hold him and touch and hug and kiss him. I want to glance over and see him there beside me. Always. I want him beside me through life. Through everything. I look at him, and my heart and my head tell me this is the only thing that's ever been right.

It's always been him.