I'm waiting for you
I didn't sleep well last night. I had 2 unsettling dreams. Not terrible, just.. annoying things to have to dream about. That, and I kept hearing random noises all night long. The weather here is record heat, and I have no a/c which means I sleep with all the windows open, and even then it's still stuffy. Usually the noise outside isn't enough to wake me, but I never fell into that good deep sleep last night, so I was constantly tossing and turning at every little sound. I swear I even heard what sounded like rocks being thrown against my bedroom window. I got up to check, and there were no rocks and no one was around. I also thought I heard someone say, "knock knock" and again I got up to check. Nope, nothing. It's apparently just the voices inside my head :P
Anyway, the first crappy dream I had was to do with Dustin. We must've been out at lunch or in some cafeteria, and for whatever reason, the subject of having kids was brought up. In my dream I tell him that while I have NO desire to have kids anytime in the next oh.. 6 years or so (at least) I thought maybe one day it might be nice. His response was pretty much like "fuck no." Then marriage was mentioned, and he said he had no intentions of ever being married and that he'd prefer to never see it go further than winding up common-law spouses.
I've never been overly fond of the idea of marriage because it scares me. I don't intend to ever get divorced, so I feel like I only have one chance to get it right. Once you're married, that's it. On top of that, I've never known a happily married couple. Marriage to me is almost like agreeing with someone to spend the rest of your lives making each other miserable.
I mean, I can be all starry-eyed and like.. enjoy the thought of being married to Dustin because I can't imagine it ever being better than what we have. But the idea of it still scares me. I think my dream was just a way of telling me I don't want it to fall into what Sean and I let it become. Obviously it was never right with Sean, but we let it carry on for five years without either committing to each other or letting it end as it probably should've about oh.. 3 months into it. I don't want to do that again. As incapable and unwilling of making plans as I am, after what just ended with Sean, I think I need some reassuring that if it's going good, there's some future, and if it's not, we won't let it drag on.
The other dream was actually about Jane. Her dog threw up all over her bed, and she blamed me for it. She said I'd once mentioned her dog reminded me of mine, and so when it threw up, it was my fault because it was similar to my old dog that died back in 1998. I got annoyed enough to actually raise my voice to her, tell her she was being an idiot, and then I heard another noise outside that startled me awake. What the fuck's it all about?
I really should be packing. I wanted to be out by Thursday of this coming week even though my lease isn't up until the 10th of June. I just want out of here. I'm sick of looking at the construction site across the street. I'm sick of the new layer of dust every day that eases its way in through the open windows. I'm sick of the sight of things that remind me of Sean. I'm sick of having to sort through all of these meaningless things I have, and what's worse.. stuff I thought was important enough to hold onto over the course of the past few years. I don't care about any of the crap here. I want it all sorted and done with, and I want Dustin here.
I think I've mentioned before that I've actually started leaving tons of my things out on the front porch, in the hopes someone will steal them and save me the trouble of having to do something with it all. All of this shit I've managed to accumulate and none of it means anything. I'm taking very little with me to Arkansas. All this crap I was certain I needed or wanted or couldn't do without. So far I'm finding I have about 3 boxes worth of clothes, one of random kitchen items, a box of CDs, movies, and books.. my computer and computer chair (long story behind having to bring the chair), some of my paintings and pictures, and a blanket. The rest of it I'll probably forget even existed as soon as it's in a box and out of sight.
Lyrics to the song I'm currently listening to. They seem really fitting right now.
One day she'll have the courage
To do what she wants to do
End that life of misery
And for once be happy
Anyway, the first crappy dream I had was to do with Dustin. We must've been out at lunch or in some cafeteria, and for whatever reason, the subject of having kids was brought up. In my dream I tell him that while I have NO desire to have kids anytime in the next oh.. 6 years or so (at least) I thought maybe one day it might be nice. His response was pretty much like "fuck no." Then marriage was mentioned, and he said he had no intentions of ever being married and that he'd prefer to never see it go further than winding up common-law spouses.
I've never been overly fond of the idea of marriage because it scares me. I don't intend to ever get divorced, so I feel like I only have one chance to get it right. Once you're married, that's it. On top of that, I've never known a happily married couple. Marriage to me is almost like agreeing with someone to spend the rest of your lives making each other miserable.
I mean, I can be all starry-eyed and like.. enjoy the thought of being married to Dustin because I can't imagine it ever being better than what we have. But the idea of it still scares me. I think my dream was just a way of telling me I don't want it to fall into what Sean and I let it become. Obviously it was never right with Sean, but we let it carry on for five years without either committing to each other or letting it end as it probably should've about oh.. 3 months into it. I don't want to do that again. As incapable and unwilling of making plans as I am, after what just ended with Sean, I think I need some reassuring that if it's going good, there's some future, and if it's not, we won't let it drag on.
The other dream was actually about Jane. Her dog threw up all over her bed, and she blamed me for it. She said I'd once mentioned her dog reminded me of mine, and so when it threw up, it was my fault because it was similar to my old dog that died back in 1998. I got annoyed enough to actually raise my voice to her, tell her she was being an idiot, and then I heard another noise outside that startled me awake. What the fuck's it all about?
I really should be packing. I wanted to be out by Thursday of this coming week even though my lease isn't up until the 10th of June. I just want out of here. I'm sick of looking at the construction site across the street. I'm sick of the new layer of dust every day that eases its way in through the open windows. I'm sick of the sight of things that remind me of Sean. I'm sick of having to sort through all of these meaningless things I have, and what's worse.. stuff I thought was important enough to hold onto over the course of the past few years. I don't care about any of the crap here. I want it all sorted and done with, and I want Dustin here.
I think I've mentioned before that I've actually started leaving tons of my things out on the front porch, in the hopes someone will steal them and save me the trouble of having to do something with it all. All of this shit I've managed to accumulate and none of it means anything. I'm taking very little with me to Arkansas. All this crap I was certain I needed or wanted or couldn't do without. So far I'm finding I have about 3 boxes worth of clothes, one of random kitchen items, a box of CDs, movies, and books.. my computer and computer chair (long story behind having to bring the chair), some of my paintings and pictures, and a blanket. The rest of it I'll probably forget even existed as soon as it's in a box and out of sight.
Lyrics to the song I'm currently listening to. They seem really fitting right now.
One day she'll have the courage
To do what she wants to do
End that life of misery
And for once be happy
posted by Heather at 11:51 AM
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