You give me something
Something that nobody else can give.
Today was weird for all manner of reasons. Talked to Dustin a good deal (completely jokingly the majority of the day and also very seriously at one point.) I wasn't as productive as I should've been, even after 5 LARGE cups of coffee. At least it kept me awake. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I think I managed probably 4 hours of sleep total, which is maybe about 30 minutes more than what Dustin got. He and I had our first.. issue? Not even issue, that's too strong a word. Just.. something we had to sort out. I'm glad though. It's good to know how we resolve things. We actually really needed that, and I feel better knowing slightly better now how we're likely to handle other matters.
Actually yeah, I will explain it slightly. It had to do with something I'd mentioned to him months ago. About some of my actions in the past concerning Nikki and Clement. He was under the impression that when the three of us were in a sexual relationship, I was somehow the victim, and it saddened him because he felt as though I'd been used by everyone. Apparently the thought of this had been weighing on his mind enough so that he mentioned out of the blue how sad he found the whole situation, even though it ended some 2 years ago.
He made some off the cuff remark about it, I responded, and it opened everything up. He said the whole idea really hurt him because he knew how much I struggled to balance my beliefs against my desires, and he felt I'd been manipulated into doing things I didn't necessarily want to do. I corrected that misinterpretation and pretty much made it clear I wasn't innocent in the whole thing. Flat out told him a good deal of it was my own doing.
Once he understood I was a more-than-willing partner, he was relieved and accepting of it. His frustration lied in the fact that he felt bad for me because he failed to realize it was an intentional action that I helped instigate.
As odd as that sounds, he was put at ease to learn I'd just made a few bad decisions in the past, as opposed to having been coerced by people I considered close friends.
Before it became apparent why it upset him so much, I asked why something that happened so long ago would bother him this much now. He didn't really have an answer, and I likened it to his past crystal meth and coke (and all manner of other drugs) use. I told him that his past actions had very little to do with our relationship as it is now. I'd never hold previous misgivings against him, and I'd expect the same from him. As it turns out, that wasn't the real issue, but he did say more than once that he was glad I made that comparison, that it put things into perspective, and that he was fine now knowing how things unfolded. He said he understood why it'd happened, and that he'd probably have done the same in that situation. He also said I need not worry.. it didn't make him think poorly of me at all. If anything, it resolved the issue in his mind.
We needed that. We handled it well by very honestly and openly talking about it, without making assumptions or letting it decline into something less healthy. We got off the phone both feeling like we'd really accomplished something, and strangely feeling even closer to each other than before.
While I was at Mel's watching a movie, he called just to say goodnight and restated how glad he was we'd talked about it, and that he felt entirely better now fully understanding what'd happened.
I love him more now than I did yesterday. It's easy to love someone whenever everything's running smoothly, but when something like that comes up and suddenly we're put in the position to have to resolve it, I think it made us both realize how willing we are to work through obstacles that will certainly arise in the future. We're realistic enough to know there'll be hard times to come, and we've already prepared ourselves for that. But we're as sure as we can be, that we want to face those times together and come out the other end stronger for it.
There's really no one else on earth I'd rather share the good days, and overcome the bad ones with.
Today was weird for all manner of reasons. Talked to Dustin a good deal (completely jokingly the majority of the day and also very seriously at one point.) I wasn't as productive as I should've been, even after 5 LARGE cups of coffee. At least it kept me awake. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I think I managed probably 4 hours of sleep total, which is maybe about 30 minutes more than what Dustin got. He and I had our first.. issue? Not even issue, that's too strong a word. Just.. something we had to sort out. I'm glad though. It's good to know how we resolve things. We actually really needed that, and I feel better knowing slightly better now how we're likely to handle other matters.
Actually yeah, I will explain it slightly. It had to do with something I'd mentioned to him months ago. About some of my actions in the past concerning Nikki and Clement. He was under the impression that when the three of us were in a sexual relationship, I was somehow the victim, and it saddened him because he felt as though I'd been used by everyone. Apparently the thought of this had been weighing on his mind enough so that he mentioned out of the blue how sad he found the whole situation, even though it ended some 2 years ago.
He made some off the cuff remark about it, I responded, and it opened everything up. He said the whole idea really hurt him because he knew how much I struggled to balance my beliefs against my desires, and he felt I'd been manipulated into doing things I didn't necessarily want to do. I corrected that misinterpretation and pretty much made it clear I wasn't innocent in the whole thing. Flat out told him a good deal of it was my own doing.
Once he understood I was a more-than-willing partner, he was relieved and accepting of it. His frustration lied in the fact that he felt bad for me because he failed to realize it was an intentional action that I helped instigate.
As odd as that sounds, he was put at ease to learn I'd just made a few bad decisions in the past, as opposed to having been coerced by people I considered close friends.
Before it became apparent why it upset him so much, I asked why something that happened so long ago would bother him this much now. He didn't really have an answer, and I likened it to his past crystal meth and coke (and all manner of other drugs) use. I told him that his past actions had very little to do with our relationship as it is now. I'd never hold previous misgivings against him, and I'd expect the same from him. As it turns out, that wasn't the real issue, but he did say more than once that he was glad I made that comparison, that it put things into perspective, and that he was fine now knowing how things unfolded. He said he understood why it'd happened, and that he'd probably have done the same in that situation. He also said I need not worry.. it didn't make him think poorly of me at all. If anything, it resolved the issue in his mind.
We needed that. We handled it well by very honestly and openly talking about it, without making assumptions or letting it decline into something less healthy. We got off the phone both feeling like we'd really accomplished something, and strangely feeling even closer to each other than before.
While I was at Mel's watching a movie, he called just to say goodnight and restated how glad he was we'd talked about it, and that he felt entirely better now fully understanding what'd happened.
I love him more now than I did yesterday. It's easy to love someone whenever everything's running smoothly, but when something like that comes up and suddenly we're put in the position to have to resolve it, I think it made us both realize how willing we are to work through obstacles that will certainly arise in the future. We're realistic enough to know there'll be hard times to come, and we've already prepared ourselves for that. But we're as sure as we can be, that we want to face those times together and come out the other end stronger for it.
There's really no one else on earth I'd rather share the good days, and overcome the bad ones with.
posted by Heather at 11:32 PM
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