Choke me in the shallow water, before I get too deep
I'm gonna write this, because it's on my mind.. and if I don't say it somewhere, it'll just fester in my head more and more.
I don't know. I've cried a lot tonight, about a lot of things. It really hurt to know Sean was in that situation. I've been there before and I know how, when it's that bad, all you want is for someone to help.. or even offer to help. I hate the thought of him being abandoned like that.
I was never sure how I'd react in a situation like this, where he needed my help. I thought probably I'd be very disloyal and not care the least bit, but tonight's proven that wrong. While I have no desire to ever be back together with him, it does make me realize how much I care about him. We have this history and this past that.. as much as sometimes I'd like to try to pretend, is undeniable. We've had so many ups and downs (mostly downs), and we've put each other through hell, but we both genuinely do want the other to be happy.
And, for whatever reason.. that kind of scares me when I think about starting a new relationship with Dustin. When we got off the phone earlier, everything was fine. But he just signed back on and doubts had crept into his mind. He flat out asked if I had any remorse about not being with Sean anymore. And I can answer honestly that I don't. There's no desire to be back together with him. It just makes me question how Dustin and I would treat each other in a similar situation.
We haven't had a single fight yet, and it scares me to think how we'll treat each other whenever something bad does finally go wrong. And it makes me wonder how we'd treat each other if we didn't wind up together permanently the way we both think we will. I don't know.
I don't want Sean back, never.. ..God.. never. It just.. I think it hit for the first time that I really am jumping into something brand new and how much I care for Sean's well-being. We have this past that never seems to entirely end, no matter how much I sometimes wish it would.
It makes me wonder what lies ahead with Dustin. You know? How will we treat each other when things do start to go wrong. When will the bubble burst? This is all so new. It makes me realize I don't know as much about him as I'd like to think. I don't even know how he argues. I don't know all of his habits and his worries and weaknesses. I don't know how we'll react and treat each other through all these different circumstances. I don't know how loyal he'd be or how much he'd care and do the same for me as I've done for Sean if we weren't together. I don't know if he'll lose his temper with me, or let me lose mine with him. I don't know how forgiving he'll be or how long it'll take. There's so many things we have yet to discover about each other. And I'm headed there in a week to begin to find out.
This is so new. I have no idea what to expect. And that scares me.
I don't know. I've cried a lot tonight, about a lot of things. It really hurt to know Sean was in that situation. I've been there before and I know how, when it's that bad, all you want is for someone to help.. or even offer to help. I hate the thought of him being abandoned like that.
I was never sure how I'd react in a situation like this, where he needed my help. I thought probably I'd be very disloyal and not care the least bit, but tonight's proven that wrong. While I have no desire to ever be back together with him, it does make me realize how much I care about him. We have this history and this past that.. as much as sometimes I'd like to try to pretend, is undeniable. We've had so many ups and downs (mostly downs), and we've put each other through hell, but we both genuinely do want the other to be happy.
And, for whatever reason.. that kind of scares me when I think about starting a new relationship with Dustin. When we got off the phone earlier, everything was fine. But he just signed back on and doubts had crept into his mind. He flat out asked if I had any remorse about not being with Sean anymore. And I can answer honestly that I don't. There's no desire to be back together with him. It just makes me question how Dustin and I would treat each other in a similar situation.
We haven't had a single fight yet, and it scares me to think how we'll treat each other whenever something bad does finally go wrong. And it makes me wonder how we'd treat each other if we didn't wind up together permanently the way we both think we will. I don't know.
I don't want Sean back, never.. ..God.. never. It just.. I think it hit for the first time that I really am jumping into something brand new and how much I care for Sean's well-being. We have this past that never seems to entirely end, no matter how much I sometimes wish it would.
It makes me wonder what lies ahead with Dustin. You know? How will we treat each other when things do start to go wrong. When will the bubble burst? This is all so new. It makes me realize I don't know as much about him as I'd like to think. I don't even know how he argues. I don't know all of his habits and his worries and weaknesses. I don't know how we'll react and treat each other through all these different circumstances. I don't know how loyal he'd be or how much he'd care and do the same for me as I've done for Sean if we weren't together. I don't know if he'll lose his temper with me, or let me lose mine with him. I don't know how forgiving he'll be or how long it'll take. There's so many things we have yet to discover about each other. And I'm headed there in a week to begin to find out.
This is so new. I have no idea what to expect. And that scares me.
posted by Heather at 11:42 PM
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