Getting better all the time

Awww.. he's smiling and laughing for real now, not just because he's about to let one. No more colick (THANK GOD).. I'm really able to appreciate him now and enjoy him and see him learn and play. :)

6 Weeks

In 2 days Kieran will be 6 weeks old, and that's a huge milestone. Everyone always says the first 6 weeks are the most difficult.. and they have been. I expected it to be hard, but not like this. I love him more than I thought possible, but the past month and a half has taken everything out of me. He's been colicky and fussy and inconsolable pretty much all but 3 days since he was born. Only in the past 3 days has he started to settle down a little, and I think that may be because I've gone from nursing him to putting him on soy formula. I think he has a milk allergy that's been causing him pain.

I'd intended to write more but I'm suddenly exhausted...

6 weeks and it feels like an entire lifetime. I can't imagine him not being here now. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but is also the most rewarding. Just when I think I can't deal with it anymore, he'll smile (if only because of gas) and make it all worth it. <3

Our Song

There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes.
A kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
Within your eyes.
I'll place the sky
Within your eyes.

There's such a fooled heart
Beatin' so fast
In search of new dreams.
A love that will last
Within your heart.
I'll place the moon
Within your heart.

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you
As the world falls down.

Falling.
Falling down.
Falling in love.

I'll paint you mornings of gold.
I'll spin you Valentine evenings.
Though we're strangers 'til now
We're choosing the path
Between the stars.
I'll leave my love
Between the stars.

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you
As the world falls down.

Has it been that long?

Not really in the mood to post but feel like I should. Sean got his visa, came here.. we fought tons.. Dave had the chance to come here.. and upon learning of his arrival, Sean took off and left the state. Packed all of his stuff and took off overnight. He's not coming back to live with me. He can visit, but won't be returning to live here at the house. At this point we're not even on speaking terms and I'm unsure if he'll even be there for the birth.

I'm 34 weeks today. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes about a week or so back and have been having to monitor my blood sugar levels throughout the day. The baby is barely measuring big so there's not much concern, but I have to keep an eye on things. Had another ultrasound on Monday and the baby is looking good. They'll keep my due date as it currently is, August 30th, unless they feel I need to be induced because of the baby's growth. Only 6 weeks away and I have so much to do. Dealing with Sean took so much out of me physically and emotionally, to the point where I had no motivation to do anything toward the baby or be excited about it. I'm feeling better now he's gone but I'm worried he'll try to come back the first week of August or so.

Going now... too much pain.

Maybe Sunday?

So.. awaiting confirmation that Sean will actually be coming here Sunday. Ehhhhhhhhhh......... at least he's not been as much of an asshole the past couple days. He seems genuinely interested in the pregnancy and stuff now. Took him long enough? I think though the excitement of being here will have worn off after a week and he'll be back to being absolutely no help and a huge stress on me. I think he's built it up so much in his head and the novelty value will wear off quickly when he realizes it is actually work being here helping me with stuff and not just sitting around watching tv all day talking to girls online.

The girls are coming up for the week on Sunday too. It's gonna be a houseful, and usually I'd enjoy that instead of sitting around here by myself all day, but like.. it's 3 people who have been really annoying me lately. That, and they all arrive like the day Dave's parents leave. We haven't gotten to speak in like a week and I don't know that it'll get any better once everyone is here. I miss him a lot but at the same time.. I dunno.. I do actually have some certainty that we'll be together so?? It's easier to deal with being apart when I'm pretty sure it's temporary and not like.. we have to be together this moment or we won't last. I just want him to hurry and come back in October.. even though it'll only be for a week.. it's much much needed. Awwwwww. <3

I don't know.. just.. ugh

Sick of dealing with people and their stupid bullshit. I'm tired and don't have energy for this. No energy the past 4 days or so and just wanna sleep all day and feel like crap constantly and sick of pain from SPD and sick of Sean moaning and of my grandpa and Holly and just.. everyone. Well ok, not Dave.. but everyone else is pissing me off.

3 Months.. AHHHHHHHHHHHH poop

3 calendar months from today is my estimated due date. Ok.. so I'm still actually 13 weeks away (27 weeks tomorrow) but man. Time has FLOWN the past 6 weeks or so. It seems like I just had the 20 week ultrasound like... 4 days ago???? I guess I was focused on Dave's visit and that flew past too. Aww.. I miss him. Right now we're planning on him coming back in October but only for a week. I KNOW that is gonna go too quick. I'll blink and he'll have come and gone. That's gonna be weird.. the next time I see him I'll have a child.. I'll be someone's MOM.?????? Wow. I think it's starting to sink in finally that I'm going to have a baby. I've had all this time to digest it, but it only starts feeling real as it gets nearer. All these things I've put off doing until Sean could be here to help.. and now I only have a few months left and it's stressful thinking of what needs to be done before the baby arrives.

Set the date for my baby shower at July 21. I'm apparently procrastinating too much for some peoples' liking so family have started to get on my back about registering and getting names and addresses compiled to send out invitations and stuff. It's probably good they're pushing me.. I don't tend to feel like the baby needs everything ready and prepared before it arrives home. Like.. as long as it has a place to sleep, some blankets, diapers, and a breast to feed on. Haha.. those are really the only necessities and probably all I'd have ready.

Been speaking to Nikki in e-mail again the past few days. I hadn't heard from her in like 2 years.. so I told her I was pregnant and explained the situation. Surprisingly she was really supportive. She's been fairly judgemental in the past, but I guess they've had their own things happen recently. They moved to a smalllllllllllll town about 3 hours from here. I'm glad they finally moved out of Phoenix, and actually.. it's nice thinking that she's not far away here in Northern Arizona too instead of back in Missouri like they'd been planning. I'm probably wrong thinking this, but it kinda seems like we're both ready to forget shit from the past and actually be somewhat close again? And I guess we have more in common now that I have a baby on the way. Actually.. I'm due the day before her son turns 2. That'd be weird if our kids wound up with the same birthday.

Hmm.. think that's it for now.