With the weight of the world, I summon you here my love

I leave for the UK for a month first thing tomorrow morning. I don't even know what to say. Today's actually been manageable. I've had friends and family by all day.. I haven't been alone, and it's helped a lot. I feel like I have a lot of support from everyone here. I know the coming weeks are going to be more difficult than I can imagine, but I know now I have so much to return to. My family, my friends, my apartment. Everyone's really stepped up and it's made this so much easier on me.

I can't believe Sean's mom is gone.. this woman that I thought would be my family, that I HOPED would be. I thought I'd give her grandchildren, and she'd provide me many more years of wisdom and laughter. I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with her, but it didn't seem anywhere near enough. It's not right going back to England and her not being at the house to greet me. She was so warm and welcoming and pleasant. She's one of the few people I've ever met and known well that I truly don't have anything but positive words for. I hope she knew how much she meant to me. I'll never forgive myself for not seizing the many opportunities I had to tell her, but I think this has ensured I never let that chance pass by with anybody else. She was so strong.. God.. she's such a strong person and I love her for that.

Sean paid me such a compliment earlier today by saying that having me around will be like having some of his mom's spirit around.. I don't think he realized how much that meant to me. I want to be strong for myself, and for her, and her family.

God.. please help me on this trip... give me the strength to get through this, and to come out a better person.

Better than I could say it

It seems I have a weakness I didn't know about
Til the day it rained
It seems my weakness has been bulging
Has been forcing its way

And it seems I have a weakness I didn't know about
Til the day it rained
And it seems my weakness will become my
Final stage

And it's here that I'll give
Yeah I'll give you all my love

And it's here that I'll give
Yeah I'll give you all my love

It seems I had a secret I didn't know about
Til the day it poured
And it seems my secret has been bulging
Has been forcing its way

And it seems I have a secret that will be my
Final stage
And it seems I have a secret I didn't know about
Til the day it rained

And it's here that I'll give
Yeah I'll give you all my love

And it's here that I'll give
Yeah I'll give you all my love

Thomas Dybdahl - From Grace

Seems I have a weakness I didn't know about

They just left.. I didn't say anything because Shay was here and I thought it'd be awkward. I love them. I don't know why, but I'm feeling strangely lonely even though I've been around friends and family all day. As soon as I'm alone in the apartment feelings of loneliness begin to set in. I want someone who's right for me. I want my life to carry on from here. I feel like I'm halfway to where I want to be, but the crucial person is missing. I want someone to pine for me. I need that closeness. I've always been fairly stubborn in changing my ways to possibly attract someone, but I'm thinking it may be good for me. I'm willing to change slightly, for the right person. I'm ready to be the best version of me I can be, and in that, find someone who loves and accepts me and all of my quirks. I want to be held and comforted and know that I mean everything to somone I can feel the same way about. Being this close to Jeph is getting in the way of me wanting to look for someone I have the possibility of a real life with.

I want to give everything of myself to someone who will return it.

Now I remember

..why I stopped drinking. Haha.. fuckin hell. Oh well.. at least it was all around people I'm very close to. But damn, my head is killing me and I have to leave for work in about.. well.. now. It's gonna be a long day. I think I hit on Jeph a little too much. But we did get to lick tongues <3 I'm glad he left when he did.. I got even drunker after that and I know he's uncomfortable being around alcohol in the first place. We were all pretty bad off by 2 am, with me leading the way. I hope I didn't piss Shay off.

Oh yeah

I went into work yesterday and my entire cubicle was decorated.. made my day :)

I'm high enough from all the waiting

Alright.. so for a few days I'd distanced myself from Jeph, thinking it'd be easier if I tried letting go. It was too painful. He's so easy to show affection toward. The only other person it's felt as "right" to hug has been Sean.. I don't know what it is. I crave him. He can say or do the littlest thing and it tides me over for a few days. I'd convinced myself, for the sake of ease, that he thought very little of me. I mean.. I knew we were pretty close but I thought it was more one-sided on my part. Then he leaves the slightest stupidist high school comment on myspace saying he'd told Shay last night that if he were straight he'd snatch me up in a heartbeat. That's so hard to read. It gets my hopes up and makes me question our relationship. It makes me slightly awkward around him.. wanting to always be near him.

This would be so much easier if I could either outright tell him how I felt or if suddenly we weren't around each other all day. Eventually this would fade and I could think of being with someone else. I'm so happy being around him, but it's painful when we're not together. It's painful knowing we never WILL be together.

Birthday

Birthdays are ass.. I hate getting older. I'm closer to 30 now than I am to 20 and don't seem to be improving either physically or emotionally. I don't feel like I've really progressed from 5 years ago. Sure.. my surroundings have changed, but not my overall attitude. I still have a hard time achieving the things I want to.. and finding what I need out of life. I hope I don't continue making rash decisions. It doesn't get me anywhere.

Work

Ok so today we "graduated" from the 4 week training period and were properly on the phones for the first time. Man.. you have to really know you're stuff. I did alright for my first few calls but, apparently, I also got some of the more unusual situations that you'll likely see.. so it's kind of good to know I've already gotten maybe some of the more extreme cases. Definitely kept it interesting. I'm sad to see training end because I've gotten so close to Jeph and Shay.. and now that we're on the sales floor.. we'll have different hours. Our desks are fairly close to each other.. but we're on calls all day so we won't have much opportunity to get to talk like we've had up to this point. We're all supposed to go out tonight but I doubt I'll make it. I'm just tired and headachey and kind of want to sit home tonight and relax from the past few hours. Ahh.. I wanna relax and enjoy the three day weekend. Being on the phones the full day Tuesday is gonna take a lot out of me.