The great gig in the sky

My hands are fuckin cold. I mean, right frozen. Solid. I don't know why, I must have the heat cranked up to nearing 80. I'm always so damn cold. My numb hands are making it difficult to type. Numb, and with scratches all over them. I don't know why or where the scratches came from. I've just been noticing new ones nearly every day. Maybe it's some early sign of HIV. Ha. But no really, they hurt like hell. They're broken and scraped and bruised and scratched and bloody and.. cold.

I was out just a little while ago and happened to look up and notice the night sky. It's gorgeous up here. Millions of dazzling stars against the pitch black cold night. It's like the most magnificent diamond mine any talented artist could ever attempt to paint. Amazing. This wouldn't be significant except that it's not often I'm able to see stars. My eyes don't focus well enough to allow me to make them out. They did tonight though. Oh wow did they. I'll tell you what.. it's one of the most magnificent sights if it's something you've had to make due without for a number of years. They looked so near too. I don't remember ever thinking stars looked close enough to reach up and grab. I wanted to pluck them right out of the sky. I even tried. I must've looked tripped out. I'm not. Although I wish I was.

Jane, a few short days now.. I wonder what awaits us? Haha, part of me dreads to think.

I love this song. It's so deeply soulful.

I can't even save myself

I knew it'd only be a matter of a few days before I was already neglecting this. Keeping tabs on here means actually having to expose myself somewhat. Something I've run away from doing my entire life up until this very morning. Is 11:30 still morning? Of course it is. Actually.. I guess this is *early* morning for me, seeing as I'm not usually awake until sometime nearing 1:00 PM. I don't like the days. There's something very worn and tired about the way the sun cast its light this time of year. Depressing. I try to avoid it.

Yeah, Dustin's back from his camping trip. My reaction to it surprises even me. I'm not excited or expectant the way I thought I would be. A huge part of me knows we'll just carry on in this ambiguous way for as long as we both allow it. And seeing as neither of us are capable of dealing with our emotions, it's likely to be awhile before anything more comes of it. That's if I even want it to. I'm pessimistic enough to truly believe it'll end the same as every other relationship wnds. With this awkward bullshit between us (you know, kind of like there is right now) and unable to retain the friendship we first built some seven years ago. Besides that, the last time I took a risk I wound up wasting five years with a man who never deserved my love in the first place. Nah, he was too busy fucking other girls to notice how much I'd distanced myself from him. To this day he can't understand why we're not together. Why the remainder of his things here at my apartment are packed away in a battered box in the back of the storeroom. What an idiot. Me I mean. For wasting my good time and love on him.

There are people every minute of every day searching for good love. Not someone to bide their time with, but real true love and companionship. And then you've got people like Sean, who had it.. and pissed it away. Absolutely neglected it until it withered away and died. It's such a waste to invest so much into a person who doesn't nurture this beautiful thing they have. Or.. had.

And so you understand my hesitation.

It's to a castle, I will take you..

Dustin's not been around the past few days. I hate to admit I truly miss him. I don't want these feelings, not after what I've just managed to pull myself free from. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and close to someone again so soon after frightens me. I'm not sure what to expect as far as communication between he and I once I arrive in Florida. Time will tell.

Woke up this morning feeling only slightly hungover and very dirty. The weather outside doesn't suit my mood today. It's gorgeous and lively out. Maybe I'd be doing myself a favor to get dressed and surround myself in it. May lift my spirits, and take my mind off the fact that Dustin isn't back again until Friday. Don't let me become one of those girls whose happiness rests in a relationship with a man. ::Bang::

Blaahhhhhhhh

Eatin toast.. it's 1:45 am and I couldnt help it. Piggin out on toast like a motherfucker. Soooooo good.

You took me for dead

Hahah admitted to Sean a few nights back that I'd been doin shit again. Good way to keep him distanced from me.

Brandon's startin to worry too. He knows I often find myself in trouble.. he's worried when I go to Florida, I'll disappear off the face of the earth. It's Florida man, not like.. Satan's inferno. It's nice knowin someone cares, kind of. So fucked.

Cocaine in her pocket.. she can get busted.

Ahhhhh yes. Going to visit my best friend Jane in Florida 2 weeks from today. Love her insanely. Anything's possible when we're together... Tow trucks in mountains, wanking dogs in bagels, stealing Jesuses, sneaking into hotel rooms, alcohol, cigs, road trips, weddings, getting kicked out of nearly every establishment we enter. Ahh.. bring it.

There's something in my head

I'm not sure how realistic it is that I'll keep up with this. But I'd like to attempt to....