Other happenings

So they found out I've been stealing cable (I wasn't sure I actually had been until a notice from the cable company left no doubt) and said it'd be switched off Friday.. It's now Sunday and as I type, cable is still active. Maybe their inaptitude will continue just the 4 more weeks until I leave. I don't think they can switch off my cable without doing it to this entire building, and I'm banking on them not doing that because you know, that would upset a lotta people. How was I to know it was stealing? There was a cable connection in the wall, the tv I had was old and the cable was stripped.. so I stripped it a bit more and stuck it into the hole.. how's that stealing when it's already in my house? And besides.. usually cable's included with rent at any other place I've ever lived. I truly didn't think I was stealing until Thursday when it was brought to my attention. Oh well, just overlook it 4 more weeks please.

Been all over the area here with Sean.. to Tampa, down to St. Pete and nearly Gulfport, up to Tarpon Springs... out to the beach. Drove the beaches from Dunedin to Pass-a-Grille on Thursday. Been out to dinners and shopping and just hanging around here. It's given me a look into how it'll be showing my mom around. Sort of holds true what I've been saying the past few months.. this place is great if you've got someone to share it with. There's definitely plenty to keep you occupied here. It's been so nice the past week. Can't believe how close it's getting to moving away.

Moose.. I'm sure she's pregnant but she's just not popping anything out and doesn't seem to be getting bigger??? Maybe like, something's gone wrong or she's just really fat and I'm an idiot?

What else.. .. mm no I think that's it for now.

Though I know I'll never lose affection

This is gonna be a crappy post, I can tell already. I have a lot I want to express but no energy or motivation to take the time to do it right. Sean being here is nice. It makes me feel.. NORMAL for the first time since I've lived here. Not so far removed and depressed and dirty like has plagued me for nearly a year now. I like him being here, but it's painful in a way. Things between us are obviously not as they once were, and it's hurtful to be constantly reminded that we've both moved on.. that he doesn't need me anymore. It makes it much easier to get along when there's not deep emotions and a relationship at steak, but it's hard having to acknowledge that I'm not this important person in his life the way I used to be. He's not the same person, and I'm probably not either. And both of us are sat here trying to re-create 3 years ago but knowing that it's passed. He seems different.. distant. Well.. I guess he seems just as he did the day he stepped back into the house after returning from Indy. Detatched. Not in a way that would be noticeable to anyone else, but I feel it. Just as I did nearly 2 years ago.

I don't know how to explain it more.. I just.. I know he doesn't need me anymore, I know he doesn't love me how he used to. I know he's not innocent. I know he thinks he can do better. I know his love for me is more of a nurturing role than of partnership and passion. It brings all those feelings back from 2 years ago. It reminds me of exactly how little self esteem I had going through this the first time.

It's for the best.. I don't want him anymore, I haven't for a long time. But it still sucks and is a reminder of who ultimately left who, like somehow he won? I know.. that's so childish but it's how I feel. It definitely is easier being around him and geting along when I'm not looking at everything he does that annoys me as something I may have to put up with for the next 40 years. Now he's just my annoying good friend that I see once every year or so. That I can deal with. If I can get ahold of my pride and stop letting the technicalities of the relationship bother me, then I think we can continue on as friends as we've done up til now. It's reassuring to know that even after all this, after all we've been through and put each other through, we still care for each other a great deal, just in a different way. There was some basis and foundation for the nearly 5 years we were together that has allowed us to sustain a pretty good friendship even after the lust and passion and relationship itself has ended.

Just fuck off

Annoyed at everything. I get so fucking moody. So I'm in IMs and someone tells me to go to a website to look at something.. and I click on the link and the fucking website's font is TINY.. Like, yellow lettering on a black background all in caps and like size 8 font. And this is a major national chain. Do they fucking think every person on the planet has perfect vision?? I dunno.. just?? FUCK OFF. Why does something that should be easy have to turn into a big frustrating mess?? Like I have my options all set to large font size and crap and just??? GOD UGHHHH. I was in such a good mood too, but now that's pissed me off I'm also noticing my head is hurting massively and like, enflamed from the flea bites. In pain and pissed off and hate everyone and their thoughtlessness and their stupid fucking ability to see and to drive and to take EVERY MOTHER FUCKING THING ON EARTH FOR GRANTED.

Yeah, just... nasty

Ok so Sean is coming here either tomorrow or the day after. The place is filthy and I have like, possibly only one day to get it in order. Why do I always wait til the last minute to start cleaning before someone arrives??? Haha... luckily I woke up with some energy to do something about it. It's gonna be a looooong day. So why am I sitting here online posting an entry instead of getting started??? AHHHHHHHHHH... so much to do I don't even know where to begin...

What a crappy post. I go now.

Give me just a minute to explain my misery

The thing is... music IS my life. It's really the only thing that does make me happy. I'm addicted to it in an unhealthy way, spending hours each day looking for new stuff.. And when I find something I really enjoy... it's like, fulfilling. It's the only thing that gives me a sense of satisfaction and of peace and calm and happiness. And I tried for the past few months to cut back on it.. to at least remove myself from it when I'm out in public. As Emmanuel pointed out, I often isolate myself from people when I slip my headphones on and block out my surroudning. It's my way of coping, it's my intimacy. I'm not denying that he's right, only that since I've started doing that.. I feel emptier. The thing I always looked to for happiness and consolation hasn't been there recently. I don't like it. Sure it's healthier and I've temporarily removed it from its Godlike status in my life, but just?? Sucky. I hate that I have this relationship with it that comes before anyone or anything else.. I hate that it IS sort of my God.. I hate that, I hate even saying that. It's blasphemous, but it's true. And I want to break that, and I've tried.. but it makes me so miserable not having it CONSTANTLY a part of me.

Oh yeah.. I think I have like, inclinations towards being a Jehova's Witness. What the..?? Too many late nights on the internet and an overly-curious mind.

Hey people lookin out the window, full of fun and sorrow

Today is gorgeous.. it's so reminiscent of England. Cloudy, drizzly.. that smell of mold, rain, and diesel.. it's so calming. It's been ages since we've had a day here like this, and it's refreshing. Everything looks brought back to life.. so lush and green. Living in the south is such a contrast to the lifeless deserts of Phoenix. I will certainly miss that more than I probably have yet to realize. It was nice getting out of the apartment today.. it's brought me back into the right frame of mind.

I'm useless, but not for long

Ooh... that was cool. Just tuned into Radio 1's live streaming broadcast right at the start of a song I really like. Anyway.. woke up to 3 separate piles of crap layed just outside my bedroom door this morning. The cats apparently aren't very fond of me right now and have no problem letting me know. It was almost kind of amusing. I mean, aside from the fact there were 3 steaming piles - one for each cat - in the immediate walk from my bedroom door to the bathroom. That could've been nasty but I managed to avoid the landmines. But you know, it's kinda like.. aww... they leave poos in a place I'm sure to step in them to register their displeasure.

Moose's was probably like, hey.. you let me get knocked up.. Now I'm miserable. So too shall you be.

Killian's.. well? Obviously.. I just had his balls cut off and his front claws pulled out of his skeleton, fair enough. In fact maybe all three were his?

And Amelia... well she's probably still pissed off Killian actually returned. She likes mommy time and doesn't appreciate having to share. She's been a real bitch since Killian got back.. constantly hissing at him and even getting all territorial with their food.

So I cleaned up the mess and changed the litterboxes over. Hopefully that'll help.

It's been a rough morning.. I feel so crap that I don't even have the energy to be THAT upset about any of it. Cramping horribly and have taken some Tylenol, waiting for that to kick in. I desperately need to clean the apartment up and actually WANT to, but just don't feel physically good enough to. I'm sick of living in filth. I hate that Sean and Brandon are gonna see the apartment in such bad shape. It's not so bad with Sean because we lived together 2 years.. he knows this isn't usually how I live, so he won't think much of it. But I hate knowing Brandon's going to see this place and assume that I find this acceptable. I almost want to back out of him visiting and wait until I'm back in Flag with a place set up there.

God.. SO looking forward to collecting my stuff from Arkansas, and having my furniture back that's currently at my mom's and having an apartment I like, that obviously isn't furnished from the catalog Dumpster Diving. Having my stuff back alone is worth returning to Arizona. Ahhh.. a computer that WORKS.. with thousands of mp3s.. and speakers.. and.. and.. a bed and sofa and things that are familiar to me. You know, those luxury items.

So freakin bored

So tired and no energy to go do anything, and sick of sitting around. I'm annoyed I didn't stay at my job longer and just accept rides to and from work. This is brutal. I can't stand just sitting around trying to invent shit to do to kill time. This feels so pointless. It's just over a week now until Sean gets here but even still I have no idea what I'll do to pass the days until he arrives. I hate not working, I hate having all this time on my hands. I hate being bored. I hate having no real purpose in life and no outlet. I do best when I'm busy and don't have time to sit and dwell on my thoughts. This SUCKS. I love working a full time job and having things to do and people to see and projects keeping me busy. Not having any of that just eats away at me. I want a busy, fulfilled life. Ughh.. even after Sean goes I still have ANOTHER entire month of this. Sure I'll be packing and getting my place ready to move but?? Like.. why? I'll just find myself in the exact same position back in Arizona.. sitting around, half looking for a job, no life.. no friends. Why is it so difficult for me to attain the things I really want? Is it always going to be like this? This insane empty feeling?

Reality check

So I decided a bit back (maybe a month or two?) that I needed to curb my drinking. Well.. I shouldn't take that much credit. It's not as though I actively decided I needed to stop, rather my stomach sort of closed the deal. I'd try having even a single drink and couldn't manage more than a few sips of anything alcoholic before it'd bring on serious hertburn and nausea. It's like all of a sudden my body refused and I couldn't force anything down even when I was trying. A few weeks of this and I figured maybe this was a good opportunity to cut my drinking. It'd become a daily habit since living here. Not that I was constantly intoxicated, just that I'd come home and have a few drinks every night to relax. And I guess that's not such a big deal, but because I'm usually so up and down with my emotions, it was effecting me in a big way. Not that I'll never find myself drunk again, but it's been nice having a few months without feeling like I had to have it. I just hate the way I behave when I've had a few drinks. It's not me.. it's so aggressive.

I want more for myself than sitting alone in a dirty apartment, drinking away my troubles and working at a job that was deteriorating any mental wellness I had left. I hope I'm not fooling myself by thinking it's unlikely the same thing will happen once I'm back in Flagstaff again. But I have a reasonable plan returning "home" and I really want to accomplish it. I feel like I can. I just know the things I was doing here to try to cope with my problems were only making them worse. I need a good support system, I need a plan, I need stability. I want to feel good about myself and I want to feel as though I have some future, some hope at attaining the things I've wanted for so long. I'm praying going back to Arizona is the first step toward all of that.

Visitors from afar, or.. Miami rather

In less than 2 weeks Sean will arrive from a stay with friends in Miami. I am actually looking forward to seeing him for a few days. It's been nearly a year and a half since we've spoken much or seen one another for more than a few hours. I can enjoy his company without getting into the usual arguments that acccompany any 5 year relationship. I haven't seen him since Christmas where he gave me this laptop that often fails me. And haven't really spoken with him on the phone since last Thanksgiving Day when he called me and somehow managed to include in his Happy Thanksgiving Day wishes, that he didn't find me attractive and was disappointed when we first met. Ahh.. that really set the day off right all those months ago. Anyway.. I'll get to play host and show him around. I know he'll love the pool area and going out for a meal or two. He'll be doing quite a bit of work while he's here, so it'll feel normal. We'll have some downtime where we're both doing our own thing. It's not like I'll have to keep him constantly entertained.

Then.. shortly after he leaves - either a few hours or the next day, Brandon will turn up for a couple days. He's driving down from Atlanta and staying just over Memorial Day weekend. We'll do the same touristy things. Definitely looking forward to showing them the beach and some of the private docks around here I like to walk to.

Less than a month after Brandon goes.. my mom will be here helping me pack my things and returning to Arizona. And again.. the beach, the pool, and whatever else I can think up to occupy a few hours. I think my mom's hoping to run into Hulk Hogan after learning he and the family frequently eat at the same restaurant I do just across the street from the apartments here. It's kinda cute.. she's all star-struck. I hate to disappoint her, so if we shouldn't happen upon him, I may just point out one of the nicer cars in the restaurant's parking lot and tell her that's them. She'll never know the difference and it'll make a nice story. :D

I need to look into things to do around here aside from the obvious. My mom will be here I think either 4 or 5 days, so aside from having to do all the strenuous labor moving involves, I'd also like to set aside a day or two and treat her visit more as a vacation. She's never been to Florida and likely won't ever return, so it'd be nice to show her around as if she were on holiday.

Just as an aside: Living here alone sucks, but moving back to Flagstaff equally sucks. I'd like to think I'd move back here at some point in the future when I had a family. I'm sure I've said that in 15 other posts, but at least it's evident I really REALLY mean it.

Graduation

Today was great. Attended Emmanuel's graduation ceremony and then a GORGEOUS reception at Dunedin Country Club. Just got home and it's now.. a bit after midnight. It's been a long day but a very good one. He completed his 2nd master's degree and says he's done for the time being with school. I think probably he'll wind up going back at some point for a doctorate (or two).

The ceremony was insane... it's an International University and so 99% of its alumni are from countries other than the U.S. They had a flag displayed representing every country from which their students come. I had about 25 minutes before the graudation itself started.. and found myself initiating a game with the 10 people surrounding me of "who can guess the most flags correctly." I think I won. Sean would've loved it. I think in the course of 12 hours today I heard at least 50 different languages. The best part was when they read the names off while handing out the degrees. It went something like this..

Ching Chow Ye
Stofvmon Striayeakson
Umberto Garcia Montoya Espinoza
Saishav Pashlov
Wo Wu
Kristof Roystnoff
...times 100 more..

I'm telling you.. the guy having to announce the names surely lost some massive bet between all the faculty members. I was on the verge of laughter the entire time. Oh.. the best bit.. one of the keynote speakers had a name sounding something a bit like.. Fukov Mertikov. The announcement of that name created a small wave of giggles over the audience that never entirely subsided. It got worse when another student, making a humorous speech, pointed out some of the characteristics of the different nationalities... in a very very queer german accent (and a lisp, just to top it off.)

"Ze French.. zey like to wear little tiny tiny berrets... The Americans.. are very impatient and talk too much... The chinese.. love to visit Disneyland and take many pictures holding up their fingers in the "victory" sign. And us Germans, we are always drunk." it was too much.

I'd go into more detail but I'm pretty tired.. just an absolutely amazing entertaining day. :)

Oh it did work

Ok so when I published the previous post suddenly the one about moose appeared too. I'll leave it.. I just want my damn computer back and an apartment I can stand and a job and family nearby and like, furniture that didn't come from the dumpster. I never feel clean here because everything in this place is used and dirty and falling apart and it's so dark in here. No natural light and ughhhhhh.

At least one good thing

Testing.. 1 2 3.. The last time I tried to post a couple days ago, it wouldn't load. That's probably best.. it was this long rant about how annoying Moose can be at times and how I wanna get rid of her. I felt kinda bad after I wrote it.

Nothing to speak of. Just trying to find new ways of killing time until Sean and Brandon get here. I think once their visits are over, it'll go a lot quicker because I'll be concentrating on packing and getting the apartment cleaned up. The ONE thing I am truly looking forward to back in Arizona is getting my old computer back from Dustin in Arkansas. I'm so tired of this piece of crap latop. Sure it's better than nothing, but only barely. It takes me 5 minutes to type out one sentence because the POS lags after every 4 letters are so. It doesn't matter how many times I re-format, it does this continually. It's got a whole host of other problems too. Fuckin irritating.

I feel better going back with some idea of a plan. I know I'll be going back to school for something that is attainable, that is realistic. It'll take at least a year to complete, but it's good knowing I'll be working toward something I know I can be good at. I'd be a lot more uncertain if I was returning without any goals.

Ok.. this post is done. Sick to hell of battling this computer...

God.. just STOP

Ughhh.. so sick of Moose. I've had her 8 months and I still can't even walk within 10 feet of her 9 days out of ten. How fucking patient am I expected to be with some neurotic cat I can't even pet on? I haven't yelled at her since Uma was here, and that's been like.. at least 6 months now. I haven't spanked her, haven't yelled at her, have never given her any reason to be so damn skittish. And I'm sick of it and it's getting old and my patience has run out. I have NO bond with her. I'm ready to throw the fucking thing outside of my apartment.. Just looking at her face annoys me now because I don't know what else to do. I can occasionally play with her with a piece of rope.. and at night if I'm sitting on the floor watching tv, she'll come near me and let me brush my hand against her, but other than that? Nothing. Just..getting to the point where I wanna kick her damn face in. It's fucking frustrating just to be like, walking to the bathroom 6 feet away from her and she gets up and runs away thinking I'm going near her. Just FUCK OFF. Like I care that much, piece of shit. All I've EVER wanted to do was pet and love on her, but understood she was insane and so given her her space to try and build trust... But as she continues to do this, all it's doing is making me want to beat her. She constantly thinks I'm going to anyway, so why not? She constantly gives me the urge to. Want to be like.. yeah? You think I'm some abusive asshole? Fine.. have it you stupid little fuck. Obviously makes no difference if I treat her 100% good.. she's still expecting me to hurt her.. so fine, maybe I should. So annoyed. Sick to fuck of the sight of her. Probably would've been more humane to let her stay and get run over just like the rest of her litter. Would've put her out of her misery. Fucking psychotic asshole.

I DO feel sorry for her but FUCKING HELL. She's this pathetlic scared little rodent piece of crap that doesn't even know how to be loved when someone puts every effort into her.