Crazy

I remember when
I remember I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there, without care
Yeah I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
...Probably...

And I hope that you were having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice

Come on now
Who do you
Who do you who do you who do you think you are
Bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To live their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking I wanna be like them

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little it looked like fun
And there's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
...Probably...

SO FUCKING ANNOYED

Even why I try my fucking hardest to like, stay here and be decent and get my crap together.. this day happens. Wasted the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY going to the wrong place.. and then waiting more than an hour on a bus that DROVE RIGHT PAST ME. JUST WANT TO FUCKING MURDER SOMETHING.

Long night.. I tried so hard to get to sleeeeep

Spent the first part of the day talking to sean's mom in ims.. she and sean are at my mom's house in arizona visiting, and loving every minute of it. Sean described his and my mom as a couple of drunk teenage girls. they get on real well and tend to get giddy around each other. it's cute. she loved new york, and fit right in by the look of it. she always looks so nice and glamorous and confident. she's been enjoying phoenix and flag the past few days. kenzie even met her at the airport and was pleased to see her. i do like that our families still keep in touch and visit each other. wish i were there for their visit..

i ate too much cereal and now a vein in my neck is hurting in a strange way. i also feel kinda sick to my stomach :(

been having trouble sleeping the past week or so. can't get stuff of my mind. i just lay awake for hours on end trying to decide what to do. ughh.. i don't know. and i'm quickly running out of time to choose.

Umm... oops

I hate when I accidentally catch my hair on fire.

Someone needs to create this

I'll just c&p this from an e-mail I sent Jane a minute ago..

ok.. 4:40 am and i'm still fairly awake.. and i'm listening to some obscure warm beautiful french music and i decide to do as i've done since i first discovered the internet and found myself awake at this time of.. night, morning? and so i watch live earthcams. i'm watching one now of paris. but it got me thinking.. i wish there was something (and maybe there will be at some point in the foreseeable future), that it would be an amazing thing to have a sort of "window" in your house that was basically a computer monitor but that was fashioned after a proper window, and on this screen, and because it's set up to a computer's hard drive, you could set up a view of a live streaming earthcam.. so that you could look out your "window" to a view of any city you wanted. i want someone to invent that so i can enjoy it. paris, oslo, national forest and mountains, london, rome, tokyo, the alps.. whatever it was you were in the mood for. and because it's in real-time and streaming.. there would action and a reality to it.

and then of course this got me going on all kinds of tangents, like being able to set up a streaming feed as your desktop wallpaper, or the background on your myspace profile, or whatever else.

yeah.. i should probably go to bed.

3:30 AM

Sitting, smoking, listening... The cats are wishing I'd go to bed. I'm interruping their infinite sleep. Found some chill music I'm digging right now and don't like the thought of having to say goodnight to it. Ahh.. insomnia, my constant companion.

Easter

Spent the day walking all over town.. down by the water, South of Ft. Harrison, downtown.. just all around. My only company on such a day of celebration was a 50 year old homeless man who happened to be wandering around too. We sat and talked for a bit and then went our separate ways. No sooner had I arrived home than I found myself passed out asleep on the couch. Made my way to bed and dozed another couple hours. Finally woke around 8, got a message from my niece that she was being baptized tonight.. so I watched it live on the internet. What an odd concept. It's not like being there, but it had to do. It's a shame to miss such an important thing in her life and I'll probably have some regrets about that.. in fact I already do. I hope though that she knows how much I love her and am proud of her.

I wish I'd been there.. it's upsetting that I missed it. I love holidays and celebrations and family and gatherings. What am I doing on the other side of the country with none of those things? I've spent all the holidays in the past 8 months alone, aside from Christmas.. and it's a horrible feeling. Today, Easter.. I was sat at Wendy's alone with a baked potato and no other customers. It's just this empty feeling like nobody'd even notice if I wasn't around.

I wanted to celebrate the day with my family and I so miss that. Today felt like any other day, which usually isn't particularly good, or certainly not cause for celebration.

Even at its best today, when I was down at the water talking with Kenzie on the phone.. there's this huge void in me. It's beautiful here.. it's so amazingly beautiful sitting down by the water. The weather was perfect and crisp and the air was clean.. and it felt like everything that an April day should be, but still I had nobody around, nobody to talk to. Next year.

???

Pissy and annoyed for no reason. Just.. blah. Bored and want friends and want to be doing something and sick of sitting around here. Gorgeous day out and I can't even be bothered to go sit down by the pool or go swimming. Sick of the sight of the inside of this apartment and don't even have money to go get a bus pass to get out of here for a few hours. I feel like everyone's annoyed at me for one reason or another.

Tour de France

So the Prologue of the 2007 Tour de France will be held around Westminster in London.. and Sean's just told me out of NOWHERE that he spoke with CBS and they offered to give him credentials for it, what's more.. they offered to give ME credentials for it. Like.. for no reason. Just because they know he's a cycling fan, and he's invited me because he knows I really enjoy the sport. The only time I've seen cycling in person was the 2004 San Francisco Grand Prix and that was absolutely fantastic. I've been wanting to attend a leg of the Tour de France since I first really started taking notice of the sport in 2002. Man.. I'm so excited. :) To attend a stage for the first time not only as a fan but with media guest passes. Very very cool. :)

Da da

My dad called Sunday.. he very nearly got.. stung? bitten? killed? by a rattlesnake. He tells me he was up hiking (mm.. getting stoned, perhaps) on Superstition Mountains down in the valley when a rattlesnake crossed his path. It was apparently hissing and chasing after him. He said he had to keep backing up a good 10 yards or so before the rattler finally lost interest.

Then he told me that instead of coming to visit like he'd initially planned, he and my stepmom have instead planned a cruise for mid-June departing from Ft. Lauderdale. He asked if that was near enough to me that we could get together and grab a bite to eat. Wait, so instead of taking a couple days to spend time together as we haven't seen each other in nearly a year, he's trying to fit me in for a quick beer before he sails off around the Carribean or whatever. Aww.. how thoughtful.

Nah, I'm not bothered really. I'm happy for hm. It sounds like he's really getting his life together in a lot of ways. He's never been anywhere aside from a visit with family in California or New Mexico once a decade, so this should be nice for him. I can't help thinking his new wife is turning him sort of.. yuppie. The last thing I could ever imagine him as. But he's going on cruises and hiking mountains and things. What's next.. tennis?

I guess I'll see them soon enough upon my arrival.

Hmm.. kinda bored. Gotten through 2 or 3 books in the past few days out of sheer boredom.

Addiction

I'm pretty sure eBay is going to bankrupt me...

No job? No problem

You know... it's starting to concern me how little I'm concerned about not having a job and having no forseeable way of paying June's rent. I feel like I should be worried and frantically searching for work, or at least have it weighing on my mind more than this. Instead I have to remind myself that I need to be looking for something.

Concert last night.. awesome. Pretty small and intimate, very cool :)

Splendid

It's been a nice day, all around. Got to visit with Jane out by the pool for a few hours earlier. Went swimming and sat under the sun in the glorious weather. Now night's fallen I have that tired, sun-kissed feeling. Read a few chapters in a book I throughoughly enjoy but never seem to get around to finishing, had a nice but simple dinner, and am now relaxing with a cup of coffee and a sense of contentment.

I like the idea of attending church tomorrow, but seeing as it's Palm Sunday it'll probably be rather full and I never seem to make it on time due to the bus system. I may decide to get up early and go anyway.

It's just been such a fulfilling day. I feel comfortable and confident. The apartment's clean and I feel, for the most part, like there's some order to my life right now and my affairs are settled. There's nothing particularly weighing on my mind as unresolved or requiring immediate attention. Sat out on the porch after dinner watching the sunset and listening to the kids playing out in the pool. This is so nice.

Karma Police

I am SUCH a dickhead. Karma is going to come back around and bite me in the ass for this one. Ughh.... I'm sorry, forgive me.

I want to go back where we were a couple years

Hmm.. haha. You know, if I could sit out at the pool all day like I did today, and not have to worry about work and had family living somewhat nearby, I wouldn't mind staying here. It does have its appeal this time of year when the weather's right.

I enjoy working and get bored otherwise, but it's nice having a few days off. The job I have an interview at tomorrow wouldn't actually begin until April 17, so it'd still provide me a week and a half to sit around the apartment and chill at the beach. I'd love it if my nieces were able to come visit before I moved away. They'd enjoy getting to go swimming and play on the sand. It's so easy to waste time here with a beach a mile away. Not that trapped feeling I constantly had back in Arizona.

My apartment opens onto the pool area, so there are constantly people walking past my front porch.. can always head out to the pool, the beach, or walk around downtown and find myself surrounded by people, and I love that aspect of living here. Arizona always feels so.. isolated. There's TOO MUCH personal space down in the valley. You start to feel disconnected, and there's no specific place to go there if you do decide you want the company of others. That's gonna be a difficult re-adjustment.

Holy crap man, I'm 25. WAHHHHHH. No idea where the came from. Just the realization that I'm in my mid-twenties and it'll only get worse. I want a family and all the social interaction that comes with it. Down at the pool earlier there was a young'ish grandma swimming with her 2 grandsons about Kenzie and Cori's ages.. and it made me long for that here. It'd be great if they lived nearby and could have them over visiting, swimming and playing. Awww.. I'm more traditional than I realized.

I miss Scott and Shelley and their little ones. Even my childish dad and his whole cliquey side of the family. When I return to Arizona, I really want to make an effort to be more involved with family, cos as much as I dislike them at times, they still put up with me, even if it is only through obligation.

I wanna start going camping and kayaking at the lake and seeing my dad more often than once every couple years for an hour or two. I want to start calling Holly and looking after the girls again like I used to. Visit my grandmother... I want sort of what I've managed to build up here with friends. I need that connection and those human interactions to keep me grounded and (more) content. I haven't had friends living all nearby me since I was in high school, and it's a great feeling. Makes me feel a part of this place. Not bad for having only been here going on 8 months. I didn't manage that in my last 3 years in Phoenix or the next 2 years up in Flag. Must remind myself that it takes effort, and that a job provides that access. I need to get involved in the things I enjoy.

After writing all this, I'm at a loss as to why I'd consider going back to Arizona... but I guess.. I know I'm ont here long-term, so it feels like I may as well return and settle there. Take the same steps there as I have here and hope it works out. That, and I do miss family.. or at least the idea of family.

On a final note, Brandon's a turd who will never do as he promises. I'd like to kick his ass.

Broody

Spent the day in town and down at the beach. Nothing really of mention. It's odd to think I may not be living here in 2 or 3 months' time, but it is undeniably gorgeous, and I will absolutely return.

I want a family. I want to be near my mom and the girls.. but I'm also very much wanting to start a family of my own. I know I'm still so young, but I can't dismiss this overwhelming desire to settle down, maintain some stability and share my life with someone. My nieces are nearing their teens, losing any of that baby quality they still had only a year or two ago. It's making me long for new life. I want to spend holidays with extended family and have little ones running around. I want birthday parties and swimming over at my sister's during the hot Phoenix summer. It's frustrating how much this consumes my thoughts recently.

I don't feel complete without it, and I long for that connection again.