Cos I don't know where I'm going but I wanna talk

I broke down at work today (sound familiar? - old habits die hard).. Jeph and Aaron both really helped calm me down. I don't know.. I have feelings for someone I can't have. It's not like realizing you're taken with someone who's in a relationship, or married, or anything else. I have feelings for a gay man I literally have NO chance of having anything more than friendship with. And that's ok and I know that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's not that friendship isn't enough.. because I feel grateful for that. It probably means more than some flakey relationship. It's just that, with this, there's no hope of anything developing. Why did I allow myself to forget how much this potentially hurts the first time around? Idiot.

In love

with a gay guy.. ugh. He's perfect.

The girl's insane

Alright so it's 15 minutes to 9:00 PM and I just got home. It's been a long day. I started my job and.. it wasn't great. I feel exhausted, both mentally and physically. This is the first time I've felt even a hint of depression since arriving back in Arizona. It's hard being visually impaired and trying to maintain a decent job. I'm slower to pick up on things and learn than everyone else. I feel like I have to try 150% just to manage when everyone else can get by on 60% effort. It already feels pointless and difficult. It brings to light all of my inadequacies and all the frustrations that come along with trying to manage in a seeing person's world. I hope tomorrow is better.

Well, well, well so I can die easy

Every Thursday night from about 8-11 PM the sound of jazz music filters in alongside the cool air through my open bedroom windows from a solo woman with a guitar who stands playing just outside the old hotel's entrance across the street. It's a comforting sound.. live music, people strolling past. It reminds me that I'm not alone, regardless of how often I feel I am. I don't know why I never go downstairs to listen.. I just watch from my window above as she plays beautifully for little more than her own enjoyment. I love being here.

I'm looking forward to the Holidays this year.. I'll get to decorate and spend time around friends and family. It'll feel real. The nights are already cooling down into the mid 50s and the morning air has the slightest hint of autumn. Ahhhhhh. Thank you for this peace.

I don't miss it (much)

So my friend Rachael whom I used to work with at Perot 2 (3??) years ago sent me an e-mail just about an hour ago. We've kept in touch pretty well since I moved to Arkansas/Florida and she to San Francisco and now to Rome. Anyway, she's staying in Rome for a few months with her boyfriend Andrew and has been sending pictures maybe once a month. So I'm looking through all this GORGEOUS photographs of her travels around Europe. Rome, Capri, Tivoli, England, Ireland.. and everywhere else. She's getting to do and see all of these things and places I'd only ever dreamt about. But somehow looking at the pictures I'm not actually jealous as I would've been even 8 months ago. Sure, it'd be nice to get to go too, but I like where I am. I like my stability and my routine here. It's nice, for once, to not have my mind be somewhere else.. Longing for more or trying to make plans to move out of this state (or country).

I'm thrilled for her.. but I strangely wouldn't swap situations right now. What's wrong with me?