The person that I thought I was..

...Is something that I don't think is coming true.

I don't know what I want. How does anyone ever know what they want? What makes people happy and how do they find those things? How do you know if you enjoy something because you genuinely do, or because you've been told you're supposed to?

How does anyone know what they want, and how do they want it badly enough to work to attain it? Doesn't it change for others as it does for me? I want different things different hours of different days. And at the same time I have no idea what really pleases me.

It all comes and goes for me and I haven't found something lasting. Something that brings me enough happiness that I'm as certain as someone can be, that I want to strive to maintain it for any length of time.

How does it last for everyone else?

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Another day, another outlook

Cold and rainy all day. Not the feel of a summer monsoon but more like a pacifc northwest autumn day. Sad dull gray skies that show no sign of clearing. Sitting here at the computer on the high barlike table in the kitchen. Tiny tv in the corner shows CNN but the sound is muted. The door leading out to the back is open. Rain pounds against the deck and occasionally splatters in through the screen door onto the cold kitchen tile. It hasn't let up all day. The sound of occasional booming thunder mixes with the not-too-distant roaring train passing by every few minutes. It's picking up again.. the sound of the rain hitting the ground is outweighing the whirling train whistle.

Such a tiny space I'm in, and so content right this minute. This feels like all I need. Oh I don't need much. And it doesn't feel like Arizona. Staring out the door not more than a foot away from me I pretend a whole city lies just outside. Maybe I'm in some rundown apartment on Clearwater Beach, or maybe in a less-than-desirable part of downtown Seattle. Maybe Manhattan sits only a few subway stops down the line. Wherever it is, in my head there are people nearby. Tiny corner shops and pedestrians walking round attempting to shield themselves from the rain by holding drenched newspapers over their heads. Some place to go.. something to do.. some purpose or final destination. The train whistles again as it pushes past. Even it has its duty.

Unlike myself.


It's not ever going to much matter where I am, because I'm too far inside my own head.

Place your bets now! (in a japanese accent)

Fuckin insane day. All sorted now though... kind of.

I need to remember to close internet sites and log the user off when I'm not at the computer.

Jane: [2:20 P.M.]: omg bb WHO WOULD BE WITH US, EITHER OF US???
Nora [2:21 P.M.]: i think honestly? dustin's stoned 99% of life so prob don't even know who i am? prob looks over and is like.. who tf?

..were we really taking bets on the timeframe and manner in which I'll wind up dead?? Hahaha... damn. That'd be great if I could actually find some way of profiting from it.

I'm strangely missing Arkansas and the realness of it.

I think that's all for now

Electricity? We just call it 'them wires that taste shocky.'

Weather here has been almost winterlike the past 3 or 4 days. That's great and all, but not in late July. I was ready for the sun and heat.. and it's just never really warmed up this summer. Even when the temperature was a bit higher, the wind was kicking around keeping it cool. It's gonna be a shock to the system to jump 35 + degrees when I get to Florida.

What the hell was I gonna say..

Umm.. Sean found himself a girlfriend. He IM'ed me the other day to tell me he thought he was falling in love with a girl he's staying with in Vancouver. He thinks it'll be a long-term thing. That's fantastic. I hope he's happy, and I hope he's learned from previous mistakes and doesn't fuck it up this time.

"You look like snoopy.. and that makes me smiiiiiiileeee."

Truth

No one else is here
And I can't care, since I am nothing
No one else gets high
And I can't sleep cause I got nothing
Feeling I am lost
Control to a higher force and
Music is my.. my world

No one else is here
And I can't care, since I'm nothing
No one else comes clean
And I can't sleep, cause I got nothing
Feeling I am lost
Control to a higher force and
Music is my.. my world

I'm playing time against my troubles

I'm ready to go. I leave two weeks from today and they can't pass soon enough. I'm scared to think what I'm getting myself into. But.. I don't care anymore. There is no happiness for me here.. there probably is no real happiness for me ANYWHERE, but at least if I keep moving, the scenery continually changes. I don't really know what I'll do.. I can't afford to live there and it's unlikely I'll be able to hold a job. Feeling very lost the past month or so.

Today's Dustin's birthday.. I miss him so much. I just.. I don't know. Words aren't coming to me tonight, thoughts aren't coming to me. I just miss him. Want to throw my arms around him and just know everything's alright.

Jane's still gone. Brandon's gone. Can't speak to Dustin very easily. Missing everyone. Haven't been online much at all.. it doesn't feel real anymore. It's not real, it never was.

Does anyone ever really care? Want my brain to be numbed just so I don't have to deal with these thoughts and feelings. So so tired of this. Is that how it'll always be?

Wacca Wacca

Randomness.. not intelligent enough right now to think about writing this eloquently.

Jane and Michael are off to North Carolina until I think Aug. 6.. the day before I arrive there. I already miss her, but know I'll be seein her soon.

Loved Scott, Shelley, and Natalia visiting. I wish Scott and I had grown up together more.. we get along like best friends even though we only see each other once every year or two. Wish I could like, exchange my sister for him.

Man, I love Dustin. Even when I feel like total crap for NO reason, within a few minutes of speaking to him it's like.. life is great. We get along so well.. so easily, and so much fun. We still have yet to argue and have been speaking for 6 months, and have been together for 3. I told him yesterday about taking the pregnancy test.. aww.. poor guy.. he's like, "have you slept with someone? :(" and truly was worried I'd been with someone else. He must not realize how much I love him and how I have no desire for like, anyone else. He wasn't accusative at all, he was genuinely scared I'd had sex with someone else. Man.. that makes me love him even more if that's possible. It's nice to be reminded that he's as fucked in the head as I am. I just wanna hold him and kiss him and just like.. see him again.

It's such a relief knowing I'm going to Florida. Not that I expect everything to be perfect there. It won't be. There's no such thing as perfect, there's only making the best of what you've got. Of course my mind is still gonna act up occasionally, and of course there are gonna be rough times.. but I've never been happier anywhere else, and above all, I'll have the ability to get around on my own, which really is my freedom and peace of mind. And going to live there isn't at the cost of losing Dustin. He might not be able to go right away, but we've talked about how serious he is to eventually make it there on a more permanent basis. I just know I don't want anyone else.

Went into town yesterday, SUCH an incapable fucker. I really should be removed from society. Bb understands.

Haha, bought blank t-shirts and some letter stenciling.. "I <3 virgins"

I need to buy my ticket to Florida today.

Would ya fuckin stoppit?

Dustin says:

so what's wrong with you caring what I think, I love you. We have something that I've never had w/ anyone and I'm pretty sure you haven't either. I can really see us being all old and cranky together (of course I see us on the beach, but still cranky)


how can he SO EASILY make everything better? without even trying he can say something and it just takes all of the bullshit in my head away. i have to stop lettin my head control everything.

A tight tie-dyed dress, she was a psychedelic mess

Can't sleep, can't eat.. can't switch my brain off. Think I'm going insane. kNOw I'm already there. Want out of here.. spend hours each night laying in bed crying for no reason. Feeling like the world is about to cave in on me. Can't breathe.. Worried I won't see 30.. not sure I WANT to see 30. Not sure I want to see tomorrow. Florida can't come soon enough.. Death can't come soon enough. Want to run. Want to scream. Uncontrollable.

Pace around the small moonlit room. Tiny window makes it feel like prison. Cannot stop this. Praying for it to let up just for one night. Dread going to sleep, not sure I'll wake up. Too many thoughts, too rapid, falling 1,000 miles an hour.

Negative

Ok so I thought I might be pregnant after a bunch of symptoms from the past week. So I bought a test, peed on the stick the way it said, and the result came back negative. Which.. I guess is good? The last thing I need right now is a baby, but?? I can't help but really want one now. It'd be the worst possible timing, and as fucked up as it sounds.. I'd love to see the messed up human being Dustin and I would've made. The thought of having his baby seems really appealing right this very moment, and it makes me wish I was pregnant.

Probably also like the thought of it right now because I'm moving to Florida in like, 23 days.. and I know if I were pregnant, my life on the beach would become my baby's upbringing. They'd be raised around Jane, Barbara, and Stevie.. Jerald, Uncle Bob, Dad, and everyone else. And well.. it sounds so irresponsible, and I know it, but I can't help but really enjoy the thought of it. :-\

I want Dustin's baby. Man..

So I can't blame all the weight I've put on recently on a baby, damnit. I guess I need to stop like, eatin so damn much.

Zzz

I woke up this morning feeling really horrible. Not depressed.. but angry. Angry and annoyed and violent, and it never let up throughout the day. I kept busy all day to avoid speaking to anyone for fear I'd be unncessarily rude to them. By nightfall, I was laying in bed crying for no real reason. Nothing's wrong.. *I* am in a relatively decent mood, but my brain has decided not to be. I can't explain it. I just feel overly tired and annoyed at everything. But..?? There's nothing wrong. Nothing at all. I'm not the least bit depressed or upset about ANYTHING.. just, for some reason everything is really irritating me today.

I don't even know why I was crying?? I'm not sad about anything? But suddenly I was laying there on my bed crying uncontrollably for NO REASON. Telling myself to stop, but not being able to.

I miss Dustin. :-\ I'd love to be able to curl up with him right now and fall asleep in his arms. Just thinking of him makes me happy. Ok, gonna go to bed.. only 11:00 PM but crying earlier has worn me out. That, and the twelve hours I spent painting and cleaning the house. I'm exhausted.

Remember that time I moved to Arkansas?

For a month? Hahah man. It's not gonna work. I can't be happy there long term. I know this, Dustin knows this.. and so I'm not going back other than to collect my things. So.. it'll be like I was originally planning before he drove down to meet me. Yeah.. I'm moving to Florida. In about 3 weeks' time. Flying straight back to Tampa from Phoenix. M's still visiting so I'm not sure I'll be able to stay with Jane while I sort out a place to live. I'm hoping that will only take like a week or so. After I've secured a place to live and a job (hahah.. I'm probably kidding myself) I'll go back to Arkansas, pack up my stuff, and Dustin and I will drive out to Florida together and he'll help me get set up there. He wants to eventually make it out for good, but I don't know how likely that is. He's got shit to take care of back in Jacksonville. I miss him a lot, a hell of a lot. But it's not this unbearable, all consuming feeling like it was before. We'll be alright. And until he can make it down to Florida on a more permanent basis, I'll be somewhere I wish to be.

I've realized so much about myself in the past couple of weeks.. it's kind of scary really. It's too late right now for me to want to go into detail.. but I've realized it's unlikely I'll ever TRULY be happy, and it makes me wonder if *anyone* is ever truly happy. It makes me think we're all pretty much struggling with the same crap.. the same overwhelming feelings, and only occassionally enjoy brief moments of contentment. It's fucking frightening to realize I'll probably spend the rest of my life seeking out and not finding something to take away these frequent bouts of depression. I need to keep busy. I need to be somewhere I can get around on my own, somewhere I can fill my time, where I'll be surrounded by people I know. I need to keep busy to prevent my mind having time to dwell on things.

You know.. this is the best it's ever been. The happiest I've ever been. I LOVE Dustin. I love him.. I'm moving to Florida. I'll be a few minutes away from Jane. Everything is as I'd like it to be, but even right this moment I feel empty.

I miss Dustin, miss Jane, miss the beach, miss having a job and a place of my own.. I'm ready for everything to come together. And I'm ready for a bit of stability. I've only had computer access again for 2 days, and already I'm sick of it.

Ahh fuck, my foot's asleep and I just tried to stand up and stumbled. Hahah.

Bb.. I'm movin like.. 4 miles away from you. Ooooooh.

What's it all gonna mean

Back in Arizona.. again. I've been keeping busy. It's impressive how much I actually manage to get done when there's no computer around. That's probably all about to change.

I've been back here 2 weeks tomorrow. It's so different this time. I.. I'm not exactly sure what to make of anything. I think I'm going to Florida.. Dustin's encouraging me to. What's unclear is how much of it is down to him knowing I can't be happy in Arkansas and how much of it is him not wanting me to return to the house. Nothing's gone wrong.. we never fought.. didn't even border on arguing. But it feels different.

I'm not sure where it's going.. but it's looking more and more like I'll be heading to Florida in the very near future.