Work tomorrow

I go back to work tomorrow for the first time since September 25th. That's gonna be some serious adjustment again. I hope I manage alright. I know it'll be difficult to begin with, but I want to get back into a routine here and find some peace with all that's happened over the past month. I'm scared I won't cope well and will find myself wanting to run away like I've always done. I don't want this to break me. :-\

I wanted to stay. I wanted to play. I wanted to love you.

What it must be like to go a DAY without this feeling. I need love. I need so badly to be loved. My body aches for it. I want to get on with things already and stop thinking of England and wishing I was there. It's not gonna happen. Hmm.. Shay's down in Phoenix over the weekend.. I have the apartment to myself. It's nice, but has this depressing feel to it since I came back. Then again, everything has that feeling.

Made an attempt at getting pregnant by Sean... didn't work. I'm on my period now. :(

This can't be all there is for me. I could cry.

God I miss his mom.. I can't bear the thought of knowing she's not around. Where have the years gone? It's like I blink and a decade has passed. And I can't stop it.. it scares me not knowing what really is in my future. I spend so much time thinking about how I'd like it to be, and taking no action to see that it happens. I sit here watching it all pass by helplessly. I'm so afraid of life.

Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea
Oh crystal ball.. crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror mirror on the wall

Lines ever more unclear
Not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear
Oh crystal ball.. crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror mirror on the wall

Oh crystal ball hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong

I don't know where I am
And I don't really care
I look myself in the eye there's no one there
I fall upon the earth
I call upon the air
But all I get is the same old vacant stare

Oh crystal ball.. crystal ball
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful
Mirror mirror on the wall
Oh crystal ball hear my song
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong

Crystal ball, save us all.. tell me life is beautiful

I don't know how to sum up the past month.. I couldn't if I tried. It's been full of emotional ups and downs. It was so hard being back in England without Sean's mom around. It felt so empty.. it's weird you can spend so much time in a place and feel like you know it well, and then return under different circumstances and suddenly everything looks and feels different. It's like viewing it through someone else's eyes. It all seemed sad and gray and surreal. It feels like my childhood has officially ended with her passing. All of the hopes and dreams I once had about a life in England with Sean died along with her. I don't know.. I want to cling onto her and onto that, but I can't. this hurts so much.