Honestly

Hahahahahaha omg. So I leave for Phoenix (and then onto Florida) in 6.5 hours. I haven't packed yet. I haven't sorted out my lease yet, haven't cleaned, haven't done laundry, haven't filed my taxes NOTHING. You know why? Because I spent the entire fucking day speaking to Dustin. Oh man. Truly like. I'm just gone. I've NEVER in all my life been able to speak to a guy like the way he and I speak to each other. We laugh at the same jokes.. we fucking TELL the same jokes. Just.. I can't get enough of him. I miss him even when we're speaking. Does that make sense at all? I MISS him when he's right there. I've never been able to be so completely open and honest and myself and laughy and jokey and fucky and retarded and sweet and sentimental and have someone understand ALL of those and be the EXACT same way. Literally like, we say the same shit at the same time. He GETS IT. Jane, you'll understand that. He GETS IT.

I know he won't sleep tonight. He'll lie in bed and think about the things we said today. He'll replay our conversations in his head. We'll both sit up all night doing this. I won't sleep. I won't be able to switch my brain off from today. I told him this on the phone. Told him all of this. He said the same thing. There's no way I'll ever be able to get to sleep tonight. Not after that. Man.. we have the EXACT same shitty fucky gay sense of humor and like, way of responding to things. Honestly.. it's like talking to Jane. Oh man.. I should stop here. This could carry on some time. AHHHHHH GONNA MISS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM WHEN IN FLORIDA. Hahah damnit. I need to like, go to Arkansas.

Lovin' is what I got

Alright so that previous post was actually from last night. I just couldn't get it to upload then. Soooo....... today. Haha, spent 8 hours talking to Dustin. Pathetic, right? I'm thinking I may go visit him in July. We can't carry on this way without knowing one way or the other. It's total bullshit. I asked him quite a few things tonight though. Things that I needed to know about. He answered honestly, so I'm now a lot more at ease about it than I was even 48 hours ago.

My dad just called.. yeah, at nearly 11 PM. He was stoned as fuck. Never know what to expect when he calls. I mentioned about a month back that I was seriously considering moving to Florida. Since then, he's asked if I'd be willing to stay down at his place in Phoenix for awhile before I go for good. When he first asked about a week ago, I said yes.. because I thought he was asking if I'd look after his house while he was away on vacation. It became apparent tonight that's not the case. He wants me to come visit. He'll be there. His new wife (I can't say step-mom, it just feels weird) has to go back to Indiana to look after her ill mother. So while she's away, he's asked that I come stay for awhile in the hopes we'll form some kind of bond after nearly 25 years. Oh, I don't know. That would be awkward. I haven't seen my dad for more than about 4 hours once a year since I was 5, and now suddenly he wants me to come spend a week and a half in his house? ...Why? What would we say? Bonding over a bowl? Comparing pipes? His way of inviting me to Easter was to say, "come over.. we've got good food.. and booze, you can get drunk." On Easter? Well, I did.. but it was at my apartment by myself. ;P Whatever man, even Jesus drank wine. <3

The weird thing is, I can be more open with him than with most people. Because we have no father-daughter relationship, I'm not too bothered by what he thinks of me. So I'm honest. It has its advantages.

Anyway, hahah Jane.. oh man. I live for our conversations. I really do. Fuckin priceless.

People are strange.. when you're a stranger

You little bastard of a website. I typed out a post and you thought you'd have your evil ways with me by not loading and saving the page properly. Ha! Ha ha ha. Try again. I predicted this, and therefore copy and pasted it into another window. Oh yes. "Now I.. am the master!"


Errr.. oh yeah, so here's the post: (attempt #2)

Hmm.. I'm not sure where this post will lead to, if anywhere. I haven't much to say, but I felt like posting. I've had a minor headache all day which hasn't helped my mood.

Spoke to Dustin a bit more today. We always have things to say, even if they're absurd. Come to think of it.. *most* of what we say is absurd. Maybe that's the fun in it? We're such children. Honestly, the pair of us. Both completely incapable of expressing our emotions. It's fucking embarrassing. It's not even a fear of rejection anymore because.. well? we both know how the other feels. I feel foolish when I try, and knowing him as I do, I think he feels just as equally awkward having to read them. Sure it's nice, it's a form of a compliment, but it's so fucking unsettling. Who really says this shit? (I mean besides Jane and M). Who says these loving things?

Wow.. I feel a combination of drunk, high, and migrainey. Migrainey isn't even a word, but I know you know what I mean. Out of words.

You make me feel like I am whole again

Not sure how much point there is in really writing about this. Jane, you already know and well.. I'm pretty certain noone else reads this :P

Spoke to Dustin tonight. God.. today has been a rollercoaster. I went insane. I literally woke up feeling like the world was crashing down around me. All of these thoughts and emotions I wasn't prepared to deal with all came upon me at once. And I was too overwhelmed. Depressed and confused and just.. bad off. Really bad off. I was only up for about an hour and a half, in which time Dustin and I spoke briefly, before I'd had enough of today and went back to bed for another 2 hours. But not before finding myself on the floor crying and puking and shaking and having a panic attack like I haven't had in awhile. Something was seriously wrong and I couldn't hold it in anymore.

When I finally woke from my second round of sleep.. I couldn't hold back. I sent Dustin an e-mail explaining what'd happened today. How I'd lost it. I was gone. I rambled on for some time about feeling so miserable.. and about hating myself for putting him through it. And hating myself even more for putting him through it some 7 years ago and then LEAVING. I told him I was beginning to understand why I'd left back then. Why I'd eaten some 40 aspirin and then disappeared for 6 years. I hated what I did to him back then, and I hated myself now for considering doing it again. I told him I wished he cared for me, and that I wished even more so that he understood that I did for him. I even told him I wanted his approval so badly. That I'd never had any man in all my life truly approve of me. All this carried on for quite a while before finally I'd had enough of my own self, apologized, and sent the mail.

I left the house for a good few hours. I needed to get out. When I got back, I saw he'd responded. My God.. he had responded. He apologized for not realizing earlier in the day that I was that gone. He said he wished to death he could help me. That he understood completely and would never be frightened away by something like that. If anything, it'd made him feel closer to me.. but upset for being unable to make it better. He said he'd cried when I left one day and never returned. That up until this past January when I contacted him again, he assumed I'd succeeded in trying to kill myself all those years ago. He asked me not to do it again. Asked me not to leave again. I wouldn't ever leave again. I couldn't live with myself if I did.

No sooner had I finished reading it than he signed on. And this carried on in greater depth in ims. Oh I know, IMs.. How personal. But we did. I beat around the bush a good long while trying to explain to him in so many words how much it meant that he wouldn't judge me for this.. that he'd stay by my side. I fumbled over words. I told him how much he meant to me, and how I'd miss him on my upcoming trip. And well.. it was obvious as much as I was saying, I was leaving a good deal out. I think he got fed up of waiting for me to say what he knew I wanted to say. So he took the initiative and said it for me.

He said, in a roundabout way (because with us.. it's always in a roundabout way) that he loved me.. that he cared for me more than I could know. He said he'd wanted to tell me so many times in so many ways, and was pretty certain I felt the same way, but that he was afraid to. That basically.. even if we did both admit how we felt.. then what? We're way past the ability to just casually date. I care for him so much more than that. I told him that. I told him I too had wanted to tell him a million times. That it was starting to eat away at me, this awkwardness between us. I told him it hurt so much to have such strong feelings for him and to be so close and so open with each other in some regards, and yet still feel like there's this distance between us because neither of us would say anything. I told him everything. And he understood. But what now? This is a person who's offered me his home to live in. Where do you go from there? He's in Arkansas and I'm in Arizona.. what do you do with that?

Do you know what it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself? For someone to outright tell you that they not only know what you're feeling and going through, but have them explain it to you in a way that you yourself couldn't describe any better? He GETS IT, as he knows I do with him. We know there's these unspoken truths between us. We know that if one of us is thinking or feeling something, the other one probably is too. And so many times we say the exact same thing at the same time. Or we're in the same frame of mind and in the course of 2 hours, both go from feeling one way to the complete opposite. We know so well.

Now the reality sets in. And this is why neither of us said anything up until tonight. Now what?

A visitor

Quick post here. So after I went on all day yesterday about wanting my mom's house to be full of life and memories and friends and all this.. the last person I really expected that to apply to was Sean. But sure enough.. it looks as though he'll visit her in May. That's right, visit my MOM. The two of them have remained pretty good friends despite my wishes. But it's fine. I truly do have a lot of love for him, just not as a partner through life. So from what I gather, he intends to come out here the last week of May or so, stay at my mom's place, and help me move out of my apartment. As strange as it seems, I'm looking forward to it. I can see him and spend a few afternoons together in town or out to lunch or whatever, without having to be the one to bare the majority of the burden of it. Very unexpected indeed.

And afterall, you're my wonderwall

Thank you, for one of the best and most real conversations I've ever had in all my life. To be able to speak so openly to someone who will let me completely be myself, who will let me say the things that I barely even admit to myself. You understand so well.

I never meant to cause you trouble

Oh Jane.. I feel like I need to apologize in advance for shit that may go on in future. I can only imagine what lies ahead. It does scare me to think of it. To think of what I'm capable of, what we're both capable of, and to know what's happened in the past. I've put you through shit. Through so much shit. Insane nights and trying times.. we've seen each other at our worst. I think I'm trying to say.. don't leave me regardless. I know I've deserved it, but I think I think we'll always be ok. Insane shit, but we'll come out the other end of it. I know a part of you must at least have some reservations about me being there again. I still, to this day five years later, regret that night. What that must've been like. Fuckin.. nightmareish.

Do you worry it's all about to unravel again? Do you worry with us together again, we'll tumble so out of control? We're in the same place in life right now. I don't have to explain what that means, you know what it means. You know where we both are now. Do you worry we'll slip into it? I don't want to be the reason or the cause or the aide of why you slip away from the things that only a few months ago you were certain of and driving toward. Don't let me fuck you over again the way I've done more than once in the past. Don't let me do it, but don't leave me either the way you should've done back then. God, you should've left me. Let me walk the fuck back to Arizona like I was threatening. Not only should you have let me walk back, you should've PUSHED me the fuck back.

How, after all of these years, are we still like this? Are we this close? I can only put it down to your loyalty. It's certainly not mine. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, for things passed and (as much as I hate to admit it to even myself) probably things to come.

Frightened now?

I shouldn't have said all of that. I shouldn't have said a lot of things.

Jane Says

I read about your dream last night. I'm sorry. That can fuck with your head so much. It's painful to be so vividly and cruelly reminded how much you ache for someone you'll likely never see or hear from again. As though it's not maddening enough to have to deal with it in your waking hours on a daily basis. Dreams can ignite the strongest emotions. It's like you had another few precious hours and moments with him, but were only ripped away again when you awoke.

I did look for him in San Fran. Well, not so much actively sought him out, as kept my eye(s) peeled for anyone resembling him. My mind teased me there. I must've seen 15 people I thought could've been him. And specifically one man sat on church steps on the corner as I walked back to my hostel late one night. I felt certain it was him enough so that a good few minutes later, I made myself return for a second look.

Well.. you know the outcome.

Never give up hope... you might find one day your endurance rewarded.

Life is the best.. full of magic and beauty.. opportunity.

I'm just gonna copy & paste an e-mail I sent to a friend earlier today. It's easier than trying to put into words again how I've been feeling the past 2 days. E-mail is as follows:


How was your weekend?? Mine was all kinds of emotion and thoughts and labor and crap.

Obviously the Pope dyin was a big part of my weekend. Don't really want to go on about it, because I've thought about it enough the past 2 days. But.. well.. it upset me more than I ever would've thought possible. I'm not Catholic, I'm fairly anti-Catholic and anti-Vatican and all.. but it upset me. Not the fact that A POPE died, but that HE died. That specific man. The man I once saw as he drove past me in his popemobile (hahah what a funny name.. popemobile. if i had my own, i'd like it to be called the blindmobile) when I was 7 years old in Phoenix. I still remember that day because I knew the gravity of it. I understood who he was and how special a day it was. I think I just feel like somehow the world is exposed or vulnerable without him in it. It's sad anytime ANYONE dies. His death doesn't mean more or less than anyone else's, just, you know?? It got me thinking about a lot of things, about his actions and sacrifices and purpose, and it made me evaluate my own. Didn't particularly like what I found in myself, and wish often I could change it.. but I know that even whey I try, I fail. It angers me at myself to know I'm wasting life away so much of the time. It's such a gift that I fail to fucking appreciate the way I should. The chances you have every single day to impact someone else or change something for the better, that none of us ever take. All of these chances we have, every one of us, every day to make a difference or have some purpose. I get so mad at myself. I expect more from me.

Went down to Phoenix all day yesterday to help my mom move furniture out of a storeroom down there up to her new house up here. It's the first house she's ever owned.. I love it. I went over there after we got back up to Flag yesterday evening and she cooked dinner while I just laid out on the sofa in the front room. The house is nowhere near set up yet, but it felt like it yesterday. It felt like home. I laid on the sofa listenin to a cd (some really chill Argentine dub/downtempo) on my headphones and just relaxed and napped a bit while the evening sun shown in through the front window. Could smell dinner being cooked while I was curled up listenin to my music with my cats napping beside me. Just a nice evening. It made me wish, and I told my mom this, that I had friends here locally. That she'd never had a house of her own that I'd wanted to bring friends over to.. and it made me wish I knew people up here that I could invite over for dinner. That I'd have a few friends over and we'd sit out back on the deck smokin a bit and talking while my mom was in the kitchen cooking us all a nice big meal. Probably sounds gay, but I crave that every time I go over to visit her. The weird part is.. she wants that too. She has no friends of her own and generally dislikes people her own age.. but wants to have her house full of friends of mine.. like she's got a lot of kids she can look after occasionally and cook a good meal for before we all head off afterwards somewhere for the night. We want life in that house. I want memories and friends by and nieces visiting and boyfriends over and life there. I've never had that before, and all of a sudden she's got a house and it's something I desire so much.

.End transcript.

That sums it up. Not as eloquent as I'd like it to be, but full of truth.

It's a very very mad world

I feel so lost this night. The world feels lost and vulnerable. God Bless.

Things were good when we were young

Today's been one of those days there aren't any real fitting words for. There's some kind of funk hanging over everyone I know. Like we're all awaiting something, but not sure of what. Restlessness would probably be most accurate, but that's still not quite right. Today's gorgeous but I haven't been able to enjoy it since I woke up. In fact, it's debateable whether I really ever have woken up today. Feel so fucking lathargic. It's a shame to waste today because I have nowhere to go and noone to see, and even if I did, I'd probably still be sitting here idly and smoking my last cigarette anyway. I need more smokes. No.. no I don't.

Jane's having a rough time today and I wish I knew the words to say to comfort her. Usually I do. Usually there's some kind of energy in me that makes everything alright. Not today.

Spoke to Dustin awhile yesterday but today we've both been in the same frame of mind. Just.. no words. Like someone's come and taken all the words from me. No thoughts to worry over or to look forward to. No real emotion. This must be what it feels like to not be bipolar. Not having anything to focus on, good or bad is most disconcerting. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not at some extreme. Blah, sick of my own words. Done now.

What the motherfuck is wrong with me? Sometimes I irritate myself so much I want to kick my own ass.