I leave back to Arizona tomorrow for a few weeks. I'm only bringing some of my clothes. That's gonna be weird to be back in Phoenix and Flag, and not actually live there, not have any of my belongings there. So I guess this is my last post for awhile. Once again, I won't have internet access there. Ehh.. it doesn't much matter. No one reads this anyway. And Jane has Michael there.

I don't know how I feel thinking of leaving tomorrow. It doesn't feel right.. it doesn't feel like I'm leaving here to return to "home" but it also doesn't feel like this is home. I mean, I guess it does.. but it still somehow seems temporary?

I wonder how we'll cope being apart from each other for a month. How are we both gonna feel after these past few weeks together? How am I gonna react being back around my family and in Flag. I don't know..?? I'm not gonna sit here worrying or stressing over it, because that's not gonna change anything. Whatever happens, happens. We said from day one we weren't gonna plan anything.. that we'd just see how it went.

I love him.. and I miss him already. I don't know.

'Git-r-done'

Yesterday was great. We wound up at the lake again, this time just Dustin and I though. We'd mentioned going on Saturday but never got around to it.. barely managed dinner at Crooked Hook's later that night. Really REALLY stoned off our heads. I think in the course of the hour or so we were at the restaurant, I was fairly unaware where I was and what I was there for. Then we wound up over at Mike and Cassandra's shooting off fireworks, four wheeling at night (that's fuckin awesome), and sittin around a bonfire. It was great, even if most of it's pretty hazy. So Sunday we had an easy morning around the house, and then left for the lake around 12:30 I think. It's a good drive, probably close to an hour and a half away.. but it flew past. We were in the car in swim suits and on the way there, it began to ran. The clouds opened up for probably 15 minutes and poured down on us as we were driving through these twisty country roads with the windows down. By the time we got down to the water, the rain had gone and the skies were clearer.

We didn't rent a boat this time.. we went there with the express intent of jumping off these tall cliffs into the water. Dustin had told me once a few years back when you used to be able to camp down by the water, he and a bunch of people had spent the night up there trippin hard.. climbing up the sides of the cliffs. A cop came upon them that night and they all wandered off in different directions into the woods, trying their hardest not to look conspicuous.

Anyway, our time spent there yesterday was nowhere near as illicit. We started off on a slightly smaller cliff but quickly got bored of that and moved onto the taller ones. Much taller. I made my way to the edge a few times to peak over at exactly how much time I'd have to contemplate my life before I hit the water. I hesitated only about three times before I backed up, got a running start, and hurled myself 30 feet down into the water below. Oh man.. that was great. We'd scale the cliffs to get to the top and then take a running leap off again and again.

Dustin was doing backflips and turns into the water and all... I never got the brave. We eventually wore ourselves out both from the force of hitting the water and from the strength used to pull ourselves 30 feet straight up the side to the top again.

We headed back into Little Rock to run an errand, wound up at Casa Mexicana for dinner, and then at Blockbuster. I must love Dustin.. I sat through a dvd of Larry the Cable Guy. Now.. I'll deny this in the future, but I actually enjoyed a good deal of his routine. Wouldn't own it myself, but definitely worth the $3 to rent it.

Ok.. I've been sick the past 3 days or so with a headcold.. and just took some meds for it and they're starting to kick in. I think I'm done here for now.

The rest

I had a dream about Jane last night which I've already mentioned to her. We were visiting some unrecognizeable city together. It certainly wasn't Florida.. it was somewhere unfamiliar to us both. We'd just arrived because we were at some sort of transportation terminal thing. The city was futuristic and Roman feeling at the same time. There were columns and baths and town walls, but their style was very fluid and futuristic looking.

We were walking around, having just arrived but both tired and dirty feeling from our travels and happened across a combination of a hot spring and a wading pool. It appeared to be natural, but was nestled under a bridge on a rooftop of an important-looking white skyscraper. Yeah.. under a bridge on a rooftop. It's a dream of which I had no control.

Jane takes off her sandals and submerges into the water, still fully clothed. She disappears for a brief moment and then reappears, completely refreshed and dressed differently.

Dustin just got in.. I'll finish later.

Sunset

Last night was great. Dustin arrived home, mentioned he needed to run a few errands, and asked if I wanted to go. I wanted to go... I'd been in the mood to get out. So he changed out of his work clothes and me out of my pajamas, into jeans and light comfortable tops and headed out. All of the errands required us to go into downtown Jacksonville, if Jacksonville can be described as having a downtown. It's not far from the house, and it's certainly not an enjoyable country drive if you take the main streets to get there. We didn't though, we rarely do. We always wind up on the beautiful backroads that take us 30 minutes ouf of the way, but are the images you'd only ever see in postcards or watercolors. The roads themselves curve around and dip up and down through slight hills and valleys. The trees.. I've never seen so many trees. They're old and grand and settled and full. They stretch from the ground up into the sky, arching over and peering down. And the trees on the other side of the street do the same, until they meet in the middle. We were driving around at dusk, and so the sun had set but the sky was light enough to see the smokeyness in the air. Like thin hazy fog. And it drifts out across the meadows as we drive past.

We sit in the car rolling through this.. with the windows down and the mild evening breeze patting against our skin. The air is heavy, but by this time of night, it doesn't still hold the earlier unrelenting heat of the day. It was just warm enough that our faces shimmered from the silghtest bit of perspiration. When we'd glance over at one another.. the sky's purple hue seemed to be reflected in the moist glow of our skin. I'd shyly peek over at him, to find him doing the same right back, and we'd break into embarrassed, knowing smiles.

We drove along like this for some time until we'd gotten everything taken care of. I loved it. That drive and those looks and moments.

Oh yeah, and I kicked his ass at speed.

So soon

Dustin should be home in half an hour or so. I'm just sittin here watchin Oprah. Which I'd normally NEVER EVER do.. but I just set the entertainment center and TV up in here, so it's kind of cool to have the TV on. That, and it's Tom Cruise talking about how in love he is and War of the Worlds. Yeah, I don't even like Tom Cruise but if I'm gonna watch Oprah, at least it's light-hearted and not talking about like, husbands who beat their wives or whatever.

The room looks a lot better. It should though.. I spent a few hours today cleaning it up. I didn't realize how big it was in here with all the shit cleared out of it. It's like.. big'ish. Dustin's aunt and cousin are coming to see the house for the first time on Saturday so he wants it looking nice.

Man.. I go back to Arizona on Tuesday. How the hell??? I wonder what it's gonna feel like to be back there and away from Dustin and all. I guess we'll find out.

I wanna be like you-who-who

I'm kinda sick of writing and of being at the computer. It's not very fun. Well.. it's not fun at all unless Jane's around. <3 Wonder how she's doin.. haven't gotten to speak to her much since Michael's been there.

I was having a rough time yesterday but it got better once Dustin was home. I don't even really have to say anything to him about how I was feeling. I love that.. I love not having to explain it and it's nice knowing he's not taking it personally.

We wound up staying up pretty late talkin and laughing and it was like i hadn't been down at all. I even slept pretty good last night.

Haha.. I asked Dustin this morning if he was still considering joining the military. He said nah.. it was a one day thing. I knew he was too lazy to be all patriotic and go kill people.

I love the Pink Panther theme

Where is my happy ending

Last night was rough. I couldn't sleep at all. We went to bed sometime around 12:30 yet I was still wide awake at 3:30. My mind wouldn't switch off. . it was racing a million miles an hour. I eventually gave up trying to fall asleep in bed and laid down out on the sofa. That wasn't much better :-\ 5:00 am came and went.

It's such a horrible feeling. It's uncontrollable. It feels like I'm falling off the top of a skyscraper at 200 miles an hour. It's quick and changing and out of control and thoughts come and go too fast and it's fluid.

Oh you have to be kidding me. As I'm writing this I'm talking to Dustin in IMs while he's at work... He just mentioned he woke up this morning, for no reason whatsoever, with the idea of joining the military maybe in a year or so. He's never ever mentioned this, and is even fairly anti-military .......I swear to you this is one of the things I laid awake thinking about earlier this morning.

I wpmder why this came to mind a few hours ago. I think it stemmed from me feeling trapped here in Jacksonville while I couldn't sleep. And as I so often do, when I feel that way, I get all manicy and start planning where to escape to. Where to just run away to at that very moment. And I started thinking how perfect it would be if I could be with Dustin and still completely get around on my own, as opposed to being sort of stranded here cut off from everything in his house. And then I started picturing under what circumstances and places would lead to that. Then it jumped to the vast differences in my relationships with Dustin and Sean.. and how being with Sean was so much about being taken away from everything I hated and getting to have the chance at this 'better life'.. whatever that even means. So then I started thinking about the differences in the guys I've dated and befriended.. And thought about Billy, who is in the army. And wondered how he was doing. And then wondered what Dustin would be like if he'd ever joined the military. What that'd be like if we were still together in the future and he enlisted. It went from there.

And just now he IMs saying for no reason he woke up this morning with the idea of joining the military to pay off student loans and for health insurance and all this.

Anyway.. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

I love him. I really do. It's never been this good or this easy, but I still have times I'm just so fucking uncertain about my own frame of mind. I just wonder if I'll ever be content. And maybe I'm incapable of being truly happy in any situation because I'm not happy with myself. So I spend so much time trying to run away from things and situations and people and circumstance.. and only ever wind up feeling the same way no matter where I go, because wherever I am, I'm still stuck with me.

Yeah I can't think of anything

Hmmm......

What to say.. what to say. I'm in Arkansas. Haha, it's great. I'm really enjoying it. It's definitely different to anything I've known, but then I seem to like to change things around quite a bit. I get bored easily so a change of scenery's always welcome. Even if it's not where I would've imagined myself being.

I wonder how long it'll be before I feel too trapped here? There are days like today that everything is effortless. It feels like I've always been here and like I could continue to be for the rest of my life.. and then there's the other half of the time where I have a difficult time just getting through the day.

I'm really trying to make the most of it. Whatever the outcome, I don't wanna look back on my time spent here and regret not having tried to enjoy it and adjust as best I could. It's fine once Dustin's home for the night, but the days can drag on when you haven't got anything to do.

Lunch sounds good.

Something

Quick post.. Past few days have been pretty good. Went four wheeling over at Mike and Cassandra's yesterday. That was amazing. Got some really good speed up through the woods. It felt like the scene out of whichever Star Wars it is that they're being chased through the Redwoods. Loved it. And have the bruises to prove it :-D

Have spoken to pretty much everyone today. Called both my mom and dad.. and then.. shock of shocks, my SISTER called and we spoke for probably 20 minutes. I'm not sure we've ever spoken for 20 minutes total on the phone. But out of the blue, she rang. Today's been great. We've just been around the house.. watched Back to the Future, and I've been online a little bit.

Ok.. said it was gonna be a quick post, and for once I actually meant it.

All I need's a little time

Weird night.. Dustin went out to dinner with his dad in celebration of Father's Day. I didn't go.. I didn't want to. He was still gone at 8:30. I don't know.. I've been in a weird frame of mind all night. I didn't want to be in the house. Not for any real reason.. my mind just started acting up and I wanted to be outside to clear my head a bit. So I went out onto the back porch. Just sat there awhile staring up into the sky and petting on Lucy. Nothing's wrong.. nothing at all. I think it just hits me from time to time that this could potentially be my life if I so wanted it to be. And of course if Dustin wanted me to stay here. And I sat there on back deck trying to come to grips with being in Arkansas.. with being in the South. The sun had already set, and it's been cloudy and gray all day, so the night sky was exactly as I like it. Dull. Exactly how I was feeling.

I sat out there a good hour thinking about things. About where I was and why I was here and where I was headed. About how slow the pace of life is here. I was annoyed at myself for not having gone out there much before tonight. It's so beautiful.. and I neglect that. I sit in this room all day, and I could be anywhere. But I don't want to be anywhere, I want to be here. I want to know I'm here in Arkansas and I want to appreciate it. It's so gorgeous and I forget that. I want to make the most of my time here, however long that may be.

I loved sitting out there.. no computer, no TV, no music.. nothing but the backyard and the trees and the sky and my own thoughts. And it's so peaceful and calming and real.

If this aint love.. why does it feel so good

Haha.. ok so Michael arrives to Florida to spend two months with Jane in a few hours. Just.. what the fuck is wrong with us? I moved to Arkansas to live with Dustin after having spent two weeks with him, but have KNOWN him since 1998. And Michael's gonna be there with Jane for 2 months, with the intent of moving there in December for good. Why are we incapable of doing things normally?

Honestly like.. I love this. I love being with him. Ok, so it's not my first choice of places to be.. but I love being with HIM. Just.. Jane.. why can we not do things regularly?? Haha, I wonder where we'll be a year from now.

Just.. ????? ......? Today's been really good, now watch some fucker come along and mess it up. I actually got up when Dustin did this morning. It was nice gettin to be up and about before he left for work at, haha.. 10:30. I'm sure the fact that it's stormy-looking outside for the first time in nearly 2 weeks is helping my frame of mind too, but I just feel so good today.

I've gotten a few loads of laundry done and have already taken care of some stuff I needed to. That feels good.. it helps me feel like this is home. Not like I'm just some guest walking around on eggshells in someone else's house. Shit wait.. if I really start acting like this is my house too, he'll probably like.. ask me to mow the yard or something. I'm walkin a fine line. Haha.

We were gonna go see Batman with his cousin yesterday but the car fucked up again so he's trying not to use it unless he has to. We also thought about going camping this weekend but the car pretty much took care of that too. Stupid car. He put 3600 miles on it in the course of 5 weeks just to travel to and from seeing me and picking me up. Dang.

Man.. I don't wanna leave here now. I mean, don't get me wrong.. I wish I had a room in the house entirely my own, that I could do whatever I wanted with it. I'd love to have all my furniture and things in one room here, get to paint and decorate it how I wanted.. but there's just not the room for it. But aside from that, I'm really starting to enjoy being here. I'm sure I still have plenty of ups and downs to come, but it's been great the past few days.

I hope I can find a job with relative ease when I get back. We need to buy more beers.

Oh yeah.. the Tour de France runs from 2nd to 24th July I believe so I should catch most of it on cable at my mom's. Yeahhhhhhhhh.

Batman saved a lot of money on car insurance

My sunburn is finally starting to fade and I'm all tan. Oohh.. it's nice. I almost feel mexican. Man.. the living room is so erie now. Don't think I've really spent any time out there the past few days. Like a fuckin construction site. It's actually kind of cool, but it does somethin weird to my head after a little while. It's gonna be one of those things that thirty years from now, I still have a vivid mental image of.

I wish we'd get more storms like we did the first couple nights I was here. That was cool.. we stood out on the front porch watchin it roll in. A lot of it passed us by, but it was still a pretty good electrical and rain storm there for a few nights. It's weird, the rare times I do have the TV on, constantly seeing a severe weather alert up on the screen. I don't think they're expecting anything more at least for the rest of the week. It's been sunny and hot as hell here. Too warm to even sit on the deck out back.

Where tf is Jane? She must be preparing for Michael's arrival tomorrow. He's there for 2 months. That's cool.. I just worry once he's around I won't get to speak to her much. I know that's kind of selfish, but I miss gettin to chat to her all day.

I really REALLY need to lose some weight. I feel horrible. I know I'm not even gonna make an attempt while I'm sittin here all day doin nothin in a houseful of munchies. But I'm hoping once I get back from Arizona I'll be able to find a job fairly soon after and join a gym. I'm really looking forward to that. I feel so much better when I'm exercising on a regular basis. It helps clear my head. I don't like feeling this out of shape. And I'm not fat. But?? I can definitely feel the extra weight from where I was a year ago. This time last year I was around 133. Ohhh.. I'd LOVE 133 now. <3

My feelings can't explain

I bought my ticket to Arizona yesterday. I have to go back for like 5 weeks. What the hell am I gonna do there for five weeks??? I promised my dad I'd go spend some time with him.. but I'm already dreading it. I don't know.. I don't feel like I have a home. All of my things are here in Arkansas, and while I'm starting to settle in, I don't know yet that I'd call it home. But Arizona? That's not home either. I don't even know what to do with myself while I'm there. And I don't know why my dad chose now to try to spend some time together. What's he thinking we're gonna do? I'm supposed to stay at his house for I think 6, 7 days. He doesn't even know I'm in Arkansas right now. He doesn't know I'm coming back specifically to go visit him like I said I would a few months back.

And then I'll go stay at my mom's awhile.. and what will I do there? Just.. what the fuck am I doing? I told Kenzie I'd be there for her birthday, and I will be.. but this is the worst possible time for me to be leaving Arkansas. I'm trying to adjust and as soon as I'm starting to feel comfortable, I'm gonna be leaving and then am gonna come back in a little over a month and have to do it all again. I hate this. Nowhere feels like home.

Told Dustin last night what I'd said to Jane earlier in the day... that if I couldn't be happy with him, I was pretty certain I couldn't be happy with anyone. He's my best friend.. you know? I'm more comfortable around him than I am anyone.. and if I can't stop being so fucking closed off and worried and held back about everything even to him.. then I don't think I can be happy being in a relationship. I want things too much my way. And it's not like I'm not willing to be the one to make the majority of the compromise. I wouldn't be here if that wasn't true, but I have such a hard time being entirely myself around people sometimes. Maybe that's true of most people? But it seems to come especially hard for me. I hate upsetting the order of things.. so I'll sit back and go with the flow and let things stew instead of immediately saying something the second it comes to mind.

When I told Dustin I'd gotten my ticket to Arizona.. he was giving me a hard time about it being a one-way. Joking I wasn't gonna come back. I feel like a dick for making him worry like this. I get so paranoid wondering if he really wants me here. And I told him that too. Told him I can't help how messed up my head is and how doubting I am of everything. He told me to stop worrying.. that he fully expects me not to be able to stay here, and that when it gets to that.. we'll do what we can to make it work.

I'm sick of rambling. I feel like I've just said all of that.. and said nothing at all. I'm having a hard time saying the things that are on my mind. AHHHHH. I think what I'm sayin is.. I'm ready to be settled, and I can imagine it being with Dustin, but I need it to be where I want it to be.. which is Florida. I want my place down there on the beach and him there with me. I'm starting to wonder if I can be happy without having both of those. I'm sick to fuck of not doin anything.. of not having a job and of just sitting around. I want a job, I want my own house that I can do whatever I want with, I want Dustin, I want the beach, I wanna be a fag on the pier with Jane. THAT is what I want. What I just said. That's it right there. All of those things. I think when I return from Arizona and know that I can look for a job then, I'll feel better having something to do. But man, I miss Jane and Florida and the beach. I just really don't think I could be down there and be happy now without Dustin there with me. Alright I'm gonna chill and just see what happens. I really am. That brings some peace of mind.

Hahaha.. Star Jones'll take off her wig and then do the weather. Hahahah Oh man.

I think we're goin to see the new Batman.

You know you're in Arkansas when..

You consider the four major food groups as beef, pork, catfish, and sweet tea.

Yeahhhh... I got internet access! It was finally connected last night. So I've been here in Arkansas what, like.. 11 days I think? That's crazy to think I've only? already? been here 11 days. In some ways it feels like it's been a year, and in others.. like only a day or two. It's taking some adjustment, but then I expected it to. The thing is.. I'm starting to really feel at home here now.. and I'll be heading back to Arizona for like 4 or 5 weeks in just 2 weeks' time. But of course all of my stuff will still be here. It sucks to get adjusted to being here only to have to return to AZ and then come back and go through the adjustment process again. Blah.

Anyway.. so my mom and I got to Amarillo first, surprisingly. But then we were pushing 90 mph most of the way, which was a good thing seeing as we got held up in traffic and road construction probably 4 or 5 times. Got to the hotel, checked in, and only had to wait maybe 5 minutes before Dustin turned up too. That was pretty cool.. my mom was sitting by the hotel window and saw him pull up outside, so I ran downstairs, and into his arms.

Haha.. man, he and my mom met.. and they got along REALLY WELL. The three of us went out to dinner that night and spent pretty much the entire time laughin so hard we were crying. It was great. He was like.. why was I nervous about meetin your mom? Cos I'd tried telling him not to be.. I knew it'd go well. I think at one point borrowing someone's rectal thermometer was even mentioned?

So we drove back the next day.. got a late start though. Don't think we left Amarillo until checkout time at the hotel. The drive was pretty decent but I think we were both sick of bein in the car by that point and just wanted to be back in Arkansas already.

It's been up and down since I've been here. We're not fighting at all, not in the least. But I can tell my moods vary by the hour. It's difficult going from having my own apartment, everything the way I wanted it.. to almost sort of feeling like a guest at someone's house. I brought a lot of my things but almost none of it is unpacked yet. I don't think it'd make much of a difference really. The past 2 days have been a lot better, and now that I have internet access again.. I wonder how much of me feeling disconnected from everything was to do with not have a way to sign on. That's sad to think I could be that effected by not being able to go online. But I mean?? What else is there to do here all day while Dustin's at work? And so I'd be bored and lethargic all day, and by the time he'd get home I was just kind of "ehh." I'm such a moody fucker. What's my problem. Honestly.. I'm so happy with him..but yet I'll still sit here bitching about things. I need a job.

We went out to the lake with Mike and Cassandra (i need to start callin her Sasha like everyone else does.. Cassandra's too much to type out) on Sunday. I forget the name of it? Heber Springs or something like that.. it's about an hour and a half away. Packed up a cooler, all hopped in their car, and headed out there. Rented a boat and got a good 4 or 5 hours out on the water. Man, it was gorgeous. We picked a good day to go. I could get used to that. Got the boat up to a good speed crashing on the waves, sun was out all day, wind whipping around my body. Ahhhh.. Burnt as fuck now, but it was well worth it.

I'm not sure Mike and Cassandra (it's always Mike and Cassandra.. not just Mike or just Cassandra) know what to think of me. We're really different. They're chill as hell and fun to be around, but it's hard knowin what to say sometimes. We've grown up very differently. They're good ol' Southern folk. We get along well enough, but we don't have much in common. Dustin's told them how alike he and I are.. and I'm not sure they know how to take that. They're used to him.. but I think they're still feeling me out.

Hahaha... we were over at their house Sat. night sittin around smokin.. and their cat, Miss Kitty comes into the living room where we're all sittin. And she goes to jump up on the sofa into Cassandra's lap and BANGS the fuck out of her head on the glass table. Like she didn't even see the table was there. Jumped straight up into it. Hahaha.. I've never seen a cat bounce off a table like that before. Cassandra shot D and I a dirty look when we were still pissin ourselves laughin 10 minutes later.

Slept good for the first time since i've been here last night. We laid in bed talking and joking around for a couple hours before falling asleep. I've been having to take nyquil the past week to sleep, but last night I didn't need it. Last night seemed so.. easy? It seemed normal and natural and like my life has always been this way.

I just need to relax and stop freaking the fuck out about every little thing. I don't know why I work myself up so much sometimes.. why I'm so afraid to let go and be myself and be ok with where I am and what's happening. Ok.. done now.

Oh yeah.. had some gyros <3 yesterday.. Good shit. Dustin stayed home from work yesterday because we were both still in so much pain from the sunburns from the day before.. so we had an easy day yesterday. Grabbed lunch from this greek place he'd been telling me about. Sooooooo good. Wanna eat there daily.

I broke the radio earlier today. Ummmm.. oops.

say goodbye (for now)

forgot to mention.. this may be my last post for a bit. he doesn't have a phone line set up at his house yet, so it might be a few days or more before i have internet access again.

we won't arrive into little rock until late sunday night. i'll update as soon as i have the chance.

peace

don't panic

it's my last night living in Arizona. i have to get up in exactly 6 hours.. and will be leaving in about 7 and a half. i'm really doing this. i'm.. really doing this. i'm moving out of Arizona for the first time in all my life. away from my mom, and from Kenzie, and from everything i've ever known. ..i..

we've been together 5 weeks today.. and i've spent 2 weeks total in his presence.... and i leave everything i've known for him in less than 8 hours...

this is real. i.. don't.. i don't.. know.

this isn't visiting sean for 4 months in england.. this is.. packing up all my life.. all my things.. and moving. this is moving. to be with him. i'm moving to be with him. i've packed up everything and am moving in with someone i've spent two weeks with.. ...? i.. ??..

i don't doubt this decision.. it's just suddenly real. i just am sad to leave here.. to leave kenzie and my mom.. and to be starting something new. it's so uncertain. it's all unfamiliar and new and we're still constantly learning new things about each other. i'm diving in head first and hoping for the best. i.. i don't know what to say. this is happening.

don't work yourself up like this.. don't do this to yourself. it'll be ok.

And baby if you promise me, we can build our world together

Haha.. I've been neglecting this the past few days. I've had too much to do to sit down and write out anything meaningful. Not like that usually stops me, but even still.

Alright.. so tomorrow is moving day. TOMORROW. I see Dustin in 24 hours in Amarillo. Wow.. I'm pretty much entirely done packing.. the only thing I have left to do is load everything up in the car, and we'll do that tonight. Getting up at like 4:00 AM tomorrow morning and planning to be on the road by 5. What the fuck? I'm moving to Arkansas to live with Dustin TOMORROW. Like, in 13 hours.

Yesterday, for the first time, there was a good 30 minute period where it hit he and I both what was actually about to happen. It hit me first, and I said.. We're moving in together after having only spent 2 weeks together in person. We've never even had a disagreement or an argument.. and we're moving in together after 2 weeks.

And it hit.. and we both sat there kinda like.. uhh hahahha WTF are we doin, and why is no one trying to stop us. Maybe this isn't the best idea? But it is. Alright it sounds kinda.. stupid/naive/insane?? But when we're together it's just.. I don't know man. I'm so happy. It's like some insane shit out of a movie.

Obviously I hope it lasts, and I'm going to live with him intending for it to, but at the same time.. if it doesn't.. I want to enjoy this as much as I can. If it totally sucked after a few months?? Well.. it was fun in the process. I mean, we've only spent 2 weeks together and honestly it was the best 2 weeks of my life. More memories in that time than in my whole life.

If it doesn't work out.. well.. then I'll go on to Florida like I'd originally planned to anyway. I don't know.. it just doesn't feel like I have anything to lose by doing this. I love that man so much. You'd think the fact that I'm moving to Arkansas tomorrow would mean he and I would be talking about like, serious stuff and how it'll be and what we'll do and where things will go.. but it's just not like that. I can't imagine it ever will be with us, which is why I love him so much. It's never serious or like.. important.. it's just us being us and enjoying each others' company and making the most of that moment. We've just joked around and laughed all day about totally pointless things. Like everything else is an afterthought. Oh man.. 24 hours until I see him again. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Haha.. I wonder if it'll hit us that like.. maybe there were some issues we should've discussed before we moved in together? Like.. maybe we should've been slightly more serious about some things and talked about stuff? Haha, are we about to be smacked upside the head with reality and all these things we never talked about because we were too busy fuckin around being idiots? Only one way to find out :D

Said to him we must be the two biggest pessimists on the planet.. we're movin in together tomorrow and we're both still sittin here going, "well when this fails." We both gotta stop that.. need to enjoy what we have and just see how it goes. We're either two of the luckiest people, or two of the biggest naive idiots that lived. Probably equal parts of both.

HAHAHHA WTF AM I DOIN OMG. BB OMG!!! HAHHA UHHHH......

soooooooo fuckin retarded insane naive asshole