Last day

I was surprisingly emotional saying goodbye after work today. I didn't think for a second I'd be affected by leaving my current job and the people I've come to know over the past 6 months. Apparently I failed to realize how much of a replacement family my co-workers had become. They're all I've known for 6 months.. and the closest thing I have to friends or family here. Seeing them day after day for half a year, you become attached. And now I feel like I have to start all over. I was only just feeling settled here, and now everything's been flipped on its head and I'm back at ground zero.

Gimme money

AHHHHHHHHHH I NEED A JOB. ME NEED MONEY. QUICK. AHH POOP.

Umm.. haha, it'd kinda be cool if i didn't find a job for like 3 or 4 days and could go chill at the beach. God knows I deserve a break after the past 6 months at my current job.

Concern

One of the three real friends I've made since living here called last night.. his test results came back from the lab.. he has cancer. It's been on my mind constantly since. A tumor in his lung will have to be removed surgically to prevent it spreading. I'm praying for him.

He obviously thinks very highly of me

Norraa (6:59:46 PM): haha oh man, this morning on the bus..
Norraa (7:00:03 PM): severely intoxicated woman singing 14 drunken verses of "band on the run"
SeanInterpop (7:00:16 PM): wtf
Norraa (7:00:27 PM): haha yeah
SeanInterpop (7:00:28 PM): was it you?
Norraa (7:01:16 PM): bus packed full of people on their way to work, and this woman is like, swaying in her seat.. AND THE FIRST MAN SAID TO SECOND MAN... I HOPE YOU'RE HAVIN FUNNNN... BAND ON THE RUN hahah over and over.. i seemed to be the only one who was amused by it

I don't know what more to ask for..

..if I was given just one wish.

What am I doing? WHAT am I doing? Why does nothing make me happy anymore? I'm never at ease, I'm never happy, I'm never comfortable. The thought of feeling like this for the next 20 years of life is too much most days. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I want so badly to not feel like this, but there's something in my head I can't switch off. There's something in my heart that isn't fulfilled, and I keep seeking and seeking, trying to find anything that will fill that void. I'm always on the verge of tears, on the verge of running away. I hate this about me. This isn't who I am or who I want to be. I just don't know how to make it stop. Will nothing bring peace to me?

I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear

So Friday will be my last day at my current job. I gave my notice today, with slight reservation. The work itself I won't particularly miss as it's fairly monotonous sitting on the phone for eight hours a day listening to people be that irate over $12.95. I hope I'll be able to find something with relative ease. I hope I'm not kidding myself thinking it'll only take maybe a week to line up another job.

I spent the morning taking the bus down to where the new location of my current job will be moving to on Monday. It was unusual. I've lived here 7 months and until today, had no image in mind of anything south of here. It's a good 10 miles from my apartment. I wound up walking along the side of the road, just inches away from screaming traffic in a rundown part of town.. it was mid-morning and I felt.. lost. Not geographically, but spiritually. My emotions are so easily swayed by my surroundings. So finding myself wandering aimlessly around this souless, largely uninhabited area, the only people I encountered looking as hurt and lost and desperate and in need of something.. of anything.. as I often feel, made my mood plummet. It hasn't recovered today and I think it may be a good few days before it really does.

Such a weird frame of mind... slight depression but not in the way it normally sets in. Not in a hopeless desperate way, more.. resigned. Resigned to life and reality and ups and downs and aloneness. I am so often alone. It's frightening how ok with that I am.

Internet access, affirmative

Well.. for the day anyway. This computer is as unreliable as Clearwater's bus system. Glad it's working, but I know it's only a matter of days, or.. hours.. before I'm without it again. Spent the day out yesterday in Dunedin with an antique street fair taking place. It's a cute town, but after a few hours I was sort of wandering around, having seen it all. Definitely a nice way to spend an afternoon, but lacking any real meat or substance. Last night though I was incredibly ill. Probably the worst I've been in at least five years. Could not stop vomiting for a good 4 hours. Finally collapsed on the sofa nearing 1:00 am and slept solidly until about an hour ago. It's nice being up so early on a Sunday morning. I hate wasting the weekends sleeping in.. it makes the time pass too quickly.

Well.. this coming Friday is the moving day to my work's new location. I'm still uncertain on where I'll be a week from now. It's cause for concern but I'm not as stressed about it as I probably should be. There are days where I think I'm almost looking for a reason to leave here. And especially after a night like last night, sicker than I've been in years, all alone, no family around to come by and look after me when, at one point, I was pretty certain I was gonna pass out and jettising the entire innards of my body.

Oh yeah, me got new cat. Yay.