Internet access, negative

The laptop given to me at Christmas by Sean is broken.. for good this time. The only chance I have again for being online is a few hours on Saturdays either at the library or here in the business center. The good news is.. I suddenly have cable. I'm not sure I'm technically stealing it. The wire accidentally split/stripped.. I plugged it into the hole and now have 60 channels of basic cable. I didn't do it intentionally.. it's not my fault it just happened to work w/ a bare cable. :-D So.. no computer, but TV for the first time in nearly a year.

Had a mental breakdown at work this past Wednesday. Packed up my desk, left at lunch with no intention of returning, but straightened my head out (with much help from a hasty phone call to my mom) and returned to work, finishing the week. I doubt I'll stay when we move.. the commute is just too much. Three buses to and from.. and it'll take nearly an hour and a half in the evenings to return home. I don't care to stay that much. I'll look for something else between now and then and hope for the best. My ability to job hunt is limited even more by the fact I have no computer access now. Looking for a new job isn't exactly the most ideal way of spending the weekend. It could be worse.. I could be in Michael's position.

I do feel for he and Jane. He's so much more qualified and willing than I am and unable to find anything. It's not for lack of trying. I hope the best for them..

It's Florida

Today was absolutely gorgeous out. I wish it were like this daily. It puts me in the mood to be down on the beach, laying (passed out?) in the sand basking in the sun's warmth. I think I may go this weekend if I can be motivated enough to leave the house for reasons other than to purchase alcohol. It's been months since I was last out there and I'm craving it now that the weather's warmed up. Mmm... it makes me want to neglect work and spend the summer enjoying my time here out by the water. It's almost tempting to quit my job once the weather is fairer. It's a shame to have come all this way for bb and the beach.. and to rarely see either. I want sun, sand, and.. alcohol of some sort. If I'm certain I'm moving back to Arizona at the end of September anyway, I may as well make the most of my time and enjoy what I came here for.

Sometimes I feel much younger..

...Sometimes I feel so old
Sometimes the warm sun shines
Sometimes it's dreadful cold

So very tired. 4AM came and went last night without a wink of sleep. I couldn't rest. I just laid in bed for endless hours unable to switch my brain off, but not in a bad anxious way. I think it was more to do with the mug of hot chocolate I sipped on around 11pm. I must've finally nodded off sometime nearing 4:30 and spent the day at work in an exhausted haze. Got a ride home from the coworker who takes up a great deal of my thoughts lately. We sat out in the parking lot here at my apartment complex talking for a good two hours. I don't know.. I'm so ill at ease at the thought of having to rely on anyone for anything. Even having to be dependent on him for a ride home put me off. I'm ultimately a loner and have a hard time being in any way close to someone. We did have a chance to talk, which doesn't happen often at work as we're interrupted every 4 seconds by the phones. I think he realized I have more issues than he may be prepared to deal with even on a friendshp level..

And well.. that's ok for now. I prefer being alone and apparently don't know how to cope otherwise. It's somewhat depressing to realize I truly don't have this deep desire or ability to feel safe with anyone, to ever let my guard down. Not that I would expect to be able to do that after one decent talk with a relative stranger, but it's a pattern I've noticed only worsening over the years. I have so little self confidence that anything that weighs on that is too overwhelming. It's easier to distance myself.

I have a hard enough time dealing with myself.. I can't, for the life of me, imagine why anyone else would actively choose to it's a shame really. Part of me knows how loving and caring I can be.. I just don't feel like I have the right to subject anyone to me to ever have the opportunity to show that side.

I need you to be addicted to me

There's a man at work I'm quite taken with, moreso than I have been with someone in person in years. It's to the point of being painful and unignorable. After recent events and unrealistic expectations, I'm being fairly guarded and cautious. I'm also trying to learn to trust my gut instinct. The first impression I had of this person wasn't a particularly good one, and I can't shake that. As much as I enjoy his company and believe we have a great deal in common, there's something in the pit of my stomach constantly telling me not to get involved or pursue it. I'm unsure if it's just me trying to protect myself after the bad decisions that lead me to situations I was uncomfortable with in Arkansas or if I really am picking up on something not quite right about this man. It's difficult feeling such a strong connection to someone and in a way hoping more will come of it, but at the same time, having this unshakeable feeling of distrust. I guess time will tell. As for now, I'm being friendly enough but keeping my distance. I don't need the complications a relationship breeds. It'd be nice if I could put him out of mind even for an hour. This would be the fun part of it wasn't so unsettling.

..Toward your destination..

Feeling fine. :) It's so unusual to feel so mentally healthy without it involving manicness bordering on insanity and anxiety. Having said that, I think I've decided I'll be heading back to Flagstaff when my lease here is up. A number of factors really.. I'm not unhappy here in the least (anymore), but this isn't my home, and it never will be. And.. well.. I don't want it to be. I like being from "out west".. I like being laid back. I dislike that I've come to be tense and worked up since being here. I dislike how uptight people here are. I like being from a small town on the way to the Grand Canyon. I like living in a town with a very British feel and a proper town square and decent night life for the size of the place. I miss real weather and family and buildings older than 1920. I miss having a support system and people who will go out of their way to help out when I need it. I like my hippie western British college town. I like Sunday mornings at the diner downtown with coffee and a bagel. I like having to make use of a proper coat in winter.

Unless something drastic happens, requiring me to stay here.. I think I've made up my mind I'd like to return at the end of September. I won't re-new my lease. I'd like to think I'll be able to continue my current job even after we relocate to the new building. Hopefully I can maintain some level of stability from now until October. I want to enjoy my time here, and I do.. but I moved here for very specific reasons, and I feel like that stage in my life is passing. I'm learning what matters to me, what I love and what's important.. who I am and what I want for myself. I feel as though staying here draws me away from those things. As flakey as I am, I'm sure I'll change my mind 30 times between now and then.. but I feel pretty good about this decision. Meanwhile, I really am loving being here. :)