The music sounds better with you

Alright.. I need to settle down. I get myself all worked up and doubting everything not because things aren't going well with Dustin whenever we talk, just the opposite. I start doubting everything with him when we HAVEN'T gotten to speak much. As soon as we talk, I'm immediately reassured that everything's right and good.

Any doubts or worries I have seemed to be coming from us not being together, and knowing it's still a few days until we are again. As soon as it sinks in that I really am gonna get to see him on Saturday, I'm so completely overcome with joy. Just.. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It's the same rush of excitement and happiness that I get just before I go to see Jane. It's like.. just.. total fun happy idiotic good times. But then obviously also like, love that man and just.. just LOVE him. It's not the anticipation of getting to see him that I'm enjoying.. that part actually sucks. What makes me happy is knowing I'm gonna be with him again in like.. 90 hours. I'LL BE SEEING HIM AGAIN SOON!!!!!!

Got to talk to him tonight.. and it was just great. We were both really.. giddy and stupid and faggy and excited. Talked about all sorts of things.. surprisingly not very much about seeing each other again in a few days. Neither of us are big on the details. We're just like, "hahah cool! see you saturday" not like.. what will we do when we're together again.. where will we meet.. how will it go? More just like, "CANNOT FREAKIN WAIT!!!!!!!!".. and then a minute later like, "hahah have now tried 17 of 31 flavors" And that's totally how I'd prefer it to be.

Oh man.. I need to shower before I head to bed. This stinch only comes from successive days of not bathing. I'm waiting for the dryer to sound before I go hose myself off and then head to bed. Gotta get up early tomorrow.. it's gonna be a long day. Have to be IN phoenix by 8:30 AM (that means leaving here no later than 6:15)... >:-O The good thing is.. I'll be busy all day tomorrow, and by this time tomorrow night.. I'll be able to say, "I'll see Dustin in 2 days." I'm not counting Saturday.. cos I'll be getting up at like 4AM Saturday, driving all day, and then be in Amarillo that night with him. OMG. Awww.. <3

I'm so gay and like, "rainbowy" tonight ::embarrassment:: And to think just like.. 5 weeks ago we'd never met and hadn't really admitted how we felt for one another. And now there are days we border on being like.. Jane and M'ish. Like magic rainbows and bunnies and lollipops. <3 It really feels like it's only just starting. We weren't able to start off being all open and silly and lovey with each other.. it's only now after we know each other better and are more comfortable that we're able to be all like, giddy in love. It's weird.. it's almost like it gets more that way every day.

I always thought it'd start out that way and then kinda... I dunno.. fade. Like it did with Sean. It was all, "wowowow butterflies and faeries" in the beginning.. but then the more we got to know each other.. the less I had that feeling until eventually it was gone after only about.. 2 months. This time it's reversed. It's like.. I couldn't do that in the beginning, but the more time we spend around one another and the more I get to know him, the more I'm just like.. awww man disney balloons sappy gayness. It turns out I am capable of all of that.. it just takes me a little longer to get there :-D

Jane sees M again for 2 whole months in like 2 weeks. That's awesome. She's (jokingly?) mentioned the possibility of marriage this summer while he's there. I wonder if that'll happen? If it does.. man like, cool. D and I would drive down to visit and attend. I'd LOVE that. I miss it there a LOT. Man.. I miss Jane a hell of a lot. Even though I'm genuinely happy for the first time in my life, I still think about going back to see Jane on a daily basis. Half of me completely expects to be back in Florida on a more permanent basis within the next 6 months. I just.. I love it there. I love she and I.

In reality I couldn't be there without Dustin and be happy.. I'd spend all my time there missing him and wishing he were there or that I was back in Arkansas with him.. but it doesn't stop me enjoying the idea of being back on the beach w/ bb. Aww.. I love her. I hope she knows. :)

That post was WAY longer than I intended for it to be. Ok.. shower and laundry time. How tf is it 11:35 already? Damn.. I'm gonna wind up gettin like.. 4 hours of sleep.

My head won't leave my head alone

Fine.. piece of crap. Here's a VERY short version.

Spoke to Dustin earlier. Ehh.. sick of dealing with interruptions. Want to be with him already and glad I will be in 4 days. Tired of packing and everything that goes along with it. Glad all this shit is over with soon.

Girls are still here. Driving me crazy.

Sat on the deck all day.

Going to Phoenix tomorrow.

Had to cancel doctor appointment. Can't get birth control right now.

I'm so fat. Hate how disgusting it makes me feel. Have to do something about it.

Doubting EVERYTHING.

Just fall off the planet

God fucking damnit. I just typed out an ENTIRE post.. and then like.. I pushed the wrong key and it deleted EVERYTHING. Pissing fucking asshole cunty shit dickhead bastard.


JUST AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WANT TO MURDER SOMETHING.

Get the feeling again

Sean arrived into Flag today. I wound up seeing him. I didn't get done sorting my apartment out and have time to leave before he got there. It was actually reassuring in a way. There was nothing there. Not a single ounce of me had any desire to be back together with him. It was the opposite really.. I sat there looking at him wondering how I ever spent 5 years with him in the first place.

It's weird knowing he's 5 miles away at my apartment, and that I could go see him if I wanted.. and times in the past I'd have given anything for him to be this near.. and now he is and all I want is Dustin. That's frustrating as hell having someone you don't want so near, and having the one person you do want 1200 miles away.

Well.. I don't have long to wait to see Dustin again. 5 days. FIVE DAYS. I want to run up to him when I see him. Literally step out of the car and run and jump into his arms :D Not in some like, "wowowow love you" serious way.. just like, AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYY I'M WITH YOU AGAIN, LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!! And then I wanna kiss him.. arrrrrr. Man.. haha, I miss him.

Amarillo.. I get to see him again in Amarillo. Texas might actually have some redeeming quality. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FIVE DAYS HURRY UP.

Oh yeah.. ran into a chick today from high school. She used to be all like, intellectual, and is now working at Wal-Mart. We joked about being worthless, unmarried assholes. Got her number and e-mail and we said we might try to meet up Thursday just to catch up on things before I leave for Arkansas. It's good to know others from my graduating class are just as unsuccessful as myself. Made my day actually.

Choke me in the shallow water, before I get too deep

I'm gonna write this, because it's on my mind.. and if I don't say it somewhere, it'll just fester in my head more and more.

I don't know. I've cried a lot tonight, about a lot of things. It really hurt to know Sean was in that situation. I've been there before and I know how, when it's that bad, all you want is for someone to help.. or even offer to help. I hate the thought of him being abandoned like that.

I was never sure how I'd react in a situation like this, where he needed my help. I thought probably I'd be very disloyal and not care the least bit, but tonight's proven that wrong. While I have no desire to ever be back together with him, it does make me realize how much I care about him. We have this history and this past that.. as much as sometimes I'd like to try to pretend, is undeniable. We've had so many ups and downs (mostly downs), and we've put each other through hell, but we both genuinely do want the other to be happy.

And, for whatever reason.. that kind of scares me when I think about starting a new relationship with Dustin. When we got off the phone earlier, everything was fine. But he just signed back on and doubts had crept into his mind. He flat out asked if I had any remorse about not being with Sean anymore. And I can answer honestly that I don't. There's no desire to be back together with him. It just makes me question how Dustin and I would treat each other in a similar situation.

We haven't had a single fight yet, and it scares me to think how we'll treat each other whenever something bad does finally go wrong. And it makes me wonder how we'd treat each other if we didn't wind up together permanently the way we both think we will. I don't know.

I don't want Sean back, never.. ..God.. never. It just.. I think it hit for the first time that I really am jumping into something brand new and how much I care for Sean's well-being. We have this past that never seems to entirely end, no matter how much I sometimes wish it would.

It makes me wonder what lies ahead with Dustin. You know? How will we treat each other when things do start to go wrong. When will the bubble burst? This is all so new. It makes me realize I don't know as much about him as I'd like to think. I don't even know how he argues. I don't know all of his habits and his worries and weaknesses. I don't know how we'll react and treat each other through all these different circumstances. I don't know how loyal he'd be or how much he'd care and do the same for me as I've done for Sean if we weren't together. I don't know if he'll lose his temper with me, or let me lose mine with him. I don't know how forgiving he'll be or how long it'll take. There's so many things we have yet to discover about each other. And I'm headed there in a week to begin to find out.

This is so new. I have no idea what to expect. And that scares me.

A day like today

An update--

Taken from an e-mail I sent Dustin:

Hahah.. we all just got back from seeing Madagascar. Now, i'm seriously not big on going to see movies. I always expect too much and then am disapopinted, that.. and I usually wind up sittin next to the screaming baby or the guy that smells like onions, etc etc. But man, that movie... Hahahah.. it's so wrong. It's like Aladdin -- meant much more for adults than for kids. I didn't expect anything from it, and wound up REALLY enjoying it.

More on today from another e-mail to him:

Total freakin hectic day. My family's got problems. We got in a fight in the middle of Wal-Mart (all 6 of us), how white trashy <3 Haha.. we all went to the park and were playing tag.. Kenzie got me, and pulled my arms behind my back in the same way a cop would arrest someone. And we walk up to my mom like that and I say, "It's like being back in Florida." Yeah.. she wasn't amused. :D Then we took turns laying on our stomachs on the swings and twisting the chains as much as they'd wind up, and letting them go really quickly and spinning around then hopping off and stumbling around. Uhh, that was my mom and I.. not my nieces ;P

So THEN just about 2 hours ago.. ok, this is the short version. Sean missed his flight into Phoenix, and had to take another one stopping in Colorado (and also had to pay an extra $400 on top of the $1,000 he'd already spent on the ticket), lost his luggage, and the guy he was supposed to be staying with in Phoenix called him and said he was unable to let Sean stay there with him. So he got in touch with my mom and told her of the situation. He begged her not to tell me any of this, because he knows the position he'd be putting me in with Dustin. But I felt bad. I mean, I really feel sorry for him. So I called him immediately and told him I'd overheard the conversation and offered to help.

After a lot of crying on both our parts and a lot of help from my family (James mostly), we all agreed he could stay down at my sister and James' house in Phoenix tonight since they're up here with us at my mom's. James hates him, and so won't let him be around Kenzie (that's another story entirely.) But since they're all gonna be up here until Monday morning, they're kindly letting him stay down there for the next 2 nights.

Sean's not sure if he's unable to stay with the friend of his for just a night or two, or if he's got nowhere to stay at all for the entire week.. So I offered that once Holly, James, and the girls returned to Phoenix, if he couldn't find somewhere else to go, he could go to my apartment for the remainder of the week. I said I'd do what I could to help, but that I didn't want to see him. Told him I felt bad enough already at the thought of putting Dustin through all of this. I hate to see Sean completely stranded, but I was in tears thinking Dustin would be hurt by it. Sean understood how out of the way everyone was going to help him out. He even understood and apologized for me being involved in any way. We were both still crying.. he thanked me for being a friend even after everything, and we said goodbye.

I was sick to my stomach at the thought of having to tell Dustin and for putting him through this. I hate this drama, and I just.. I hated thinking I was putting him in this position. I didn't have long to mull it over because he called not even 10 minutes after I got off the phone with Sean. I told him everything and his response was basically like, "Thank you for telling me. I love you, I trust you, and I know I have nothing to worry about. It's fine. :)" I mean.. I'm not even gonna see Sean even if he'll have to stay at my now abandoned apartment.

Dustin is really.. my whole heart. I don't ever want to jeopardize our relationship, but I also couldn't completely abandon the person I just gave the last 5 years of my life to. And Dustin knows that.. he knows there's no other reason for me helping than to try to do what's right. I'm so thankful for how understanding he is with everything. He could so easily be fed up of this and decide it's too much to take, and that's half what I expected. I love him so so much. He's so great.. so perfect for me. I just want to be with him again and not be dealing with all of this.

And.. that's the last bit of news. I WILL be with him again, a week from today. We couldn't take the distance anymore, so instead of waiting until mid-July for him to drive out here to get me.. my mom's gonna drive me halfway there, to Amarillo, where we'll meet up with him and return to Little Rock. One week. I'll stay for a month and then have to return to Arizona once more for 4 weeks before going back to Arkansas (hopefully) for good.

I just want to be with him again.

She offered me up in exchange for a new car. The dealership said no.

4:15 AM. I"m still awake, but heading to bed momentarily.

So I'm out of my apartment now. I'll have to return for the remainder of my things, but anything of real significance is already here at my mom's. ...I'm at my mom's. It's strangely kind of nice. We get along really well when she's not being too mothery. Haha, even on a day like today, which was completely stressful, we had a great time.

She bought a new car, and within the first 5 minutes of driving it, nearly got us into an accident. We laughed until we pissed ourselves. We laughed a LOT today. She's like me.. she doesn't take anything too seriously. As much shit as we've been through together, we've both just had to learn to cope with everything by making a joke of it. I see where I get it from. It's always just been us. Everyone else has, at one point or another, abandoned us. It's always left to us to cope with shit. Haha.. we were struggling to carry my mattress on our heads downstairs and out to the moving van. Two strapping, healthy, young men walk RIGHT past as we're about to drop the fucking thing on the ground.. they walk past, and just carry on.. watching 2 women trying to manage this at like, nearly midnight. And they WALK PAST. And we just looked at each other like.. ARE YOU SHITTIN ME?? And you have to laugh, because.. just.. what the fuck is wrong with men? What's wrong with them?? And I think adrenaline must've pumped through her veins at that very moment, beause she shouted out after them laughing, "THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP." And they turned back, embarrassed-looking. But that's the way it is. That's always the way it is. It's always she and I. Every man in both of our lives EVER has eventually wound up completely dropping the ball and so we're left to get on with it ourselves, laughing along the way at the absurdity of it all.

Man, yeah.. I'm too tired to write any more. I didn't intend this entry to be so retarded and short, but extreme tiredness just hit me. I'm gonna go collapse into bed.

Fuctupdedness

This is a short post entirely for my own benefit. Loved speaking to Dustin earlier about things. Alice in Wonderland and comfort.. sitting in the hallway, cartoons, Tom & Jerry, innocence, truth and realness, what matters, The Jungle Book, childhood, '< pound u', wholesomeness, understanding, and connection.

Me [3:16 PM]: they'd just put it down to me being me
Dustin [3:16 PM]: they'd just chalk it up to me being weird
Dustin [3:16 PM]: hahaha
Me [3:16 PM]: hahah yeah

and that's how it always is with us.

Me: [3:35 PM]: ok i'm gonna stop trying to explain it, cos i know i don't have to, cos i know you get it
Dustin [3:35 PM]: I love that, I do know and I do get it and it's so... amazing... that you do too. How the hell? I was supposed to be alone... there's not supposed to be someone else like me


Man, I wish we'd gotten to speak more on the phone tonight. Only had about 20 minutes before the cell died. I wish.. I wish I was certain he understood my mood earlier. I was jokingly being kind of assy. I hope he didn't take it seriously. I hope he knows how happy I am to be with him. We're so fucking much alike it's insane.

I am I am I said I'm not myself

I accomplished one thing today. One thing, and one thing only. I called one of the drug labs here and asked if they did HIV tests. She said nowhere in town would do one without a doctor's recommendation. So I found a GP, called and registered as a new patient, and made an appointment for a general checkup. Told the receptionist I wanted a general exam, I wanted to get on birth control, I wanted a doctor's note to get the HIV test, and that I needed my hand to be examined because it was really paining me. Haha like.. if I were able to use my hand, I wouldn't be needin the birth control and AIDS test.

Told Dustin I was seriouly considering joining a gym when I got to Arkansas. I'm twelve pounds heavier than I was this time one year ago, and about sixteen heavier than I am at my average low. Not my low low, but a maintainable low. I'm sick of feeling the added weight. That, and any time I've ever worked out on a regular basis, I've felt so much better both physically and mentally. Being active like that really seems to keep my head much clearer. I know I'm not gonna be doing a hell of a lot there the first month or so anyway, so I might as well take the opportunity to try to get in better shape.

We seem to be pretty active actually.. We were taking walks pretty much every day, and he likes to take the horses out once a week or so, although we won't have the opportunity to do that again until the weather cools down some. But even so, I'd like to have something that I go do that's all mine. I want to try to actually settle there and have a few hobbies of my own that don't involve him. And when I do find work, hopefully I'll be able to make a few friends. I like Mike and Cassandra, but they're his friends. I wouldn't mind some all my own. Haha.. I always hesitated making friends when I was with Sean, because I was so completely embarrassed by him. Well.. that, and I knew as soon as he'd met them, they'd become the latest character in his threesome fantasy. So I pretty much avoided making friends altogether with the exception of Melanie and Rachael. Mel's married and pregnant (and married and pregnant people are never much fun) and Rachael moved to San Francisco about 6 months back.

But I'd love to make friends there. Like, people whose company I actually enjoy. Not just someone to waste 3 hours and $25 with once every 3 weeks. Yeah maybe I'll get a part time job fairly soon after getting there just for the social aspect.

Man so like, tomorrow's supposed to be my last day here in the apartment. I did absolutely nothing on it today. Just never had the energy.

Wait, no. I was productive today. I drank my way through a 6 pack. Woo.

You give me something

Something that nobody else can give.

Today was weird for all manner of reasons. Talked to Dustin a good deal (completely jokingly the majority of the day and also very seriously at one point.) I wasn't as productive as I should've been, even after 5 LARGE cups of coffee. At least it kept me awake. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I think I managed probably 4 hours of sleep total, which is maybe about 30 minutes more than what Dustin got. He and I had our first.. issue? Not even issue, that's too strong a word. Just.. something we had to sort out. I'm glad though. It's good to know how we resolve things. We actually really needed that, and I feel better knowing slightly better now how we're likely to handle other matters.

Actually yeah, I will explain it slightly. It had to do with something I'd mentioned to him months ago. About some of my actions in the past concerning Nikki and Clement. He was under the impression that when the three of us were in a sexual relationship, I was somehow the victim, and it saddened him because he felt as though I'd been used by everyone. Apparently the thought of this had been weighing on his mind enough so that he mentioned out of the blue how sad he found the whole situation, even though it ended some 2 years ago.

He made some off the cuff remark about it, I responded, and it opened everything up. He said the whole idea really hurt him because he knew how much I struggled to balance my beliefs against my desires, and he felt I'd been manipulated into doing things I didn't necessarily want to do. I corrected that misinterpretation and pretty much made it clear I wasn't innocent in the whole thing. Flat out told him a good deal of it was my own doing.

Once he understood I was a more-than-willing partner, he was relieved and accepting of it. His frustration lied in the fact that he felt bad for me because he failed to realize it was an intentional action that I helped instigate.

As odd as that sounds, he was put at ease to learn I'd just made a few bad decisions in the past, as opposed to having been coerced by people I considered close friends.

Before it became apparent why it upset him so much, I asked why something that happened so long ago would bother him this much now. He didn't really have an answer, and I likened it to his past crystal meth and coke (and all manner of other drugs) use. I told him that his past actions had very little to do with our relationship as it is now. I'd never hold previous misgivings against him, and I'd expect the same from him. As it turns out, that wasn't the real issue, but he did say more than once that he was glad I made that comparison, that it put things into perspective, and that he was fine now knowing how things unfolded. He said he understood why it'd happened, and that he'd probably have done the same in that situation. He also said I need not worry.. it didn't make him think poorly of me at all. If anything, it resolved the issue in his mind.

We needed that. We handled it well by very honestly and openly talking about it, without making assumptions or letting it decline into something less healthy. We got off the phone both feeling like we'd really accomplished something, and strangely feeling even closer to each other than before.

While I was at Mel's watching a movie, he called just to say goodnight and restated how glad he was we'd talked about it, and that he felt entirely better now fully understanding what'd happened.

I love him more now than I did yesterday. It's easy to love someone whenever everything's running smoothly, but when something like that comes up and suddenly we're put in the position to have to resolve it, I think it made us both realize how willing we are to work through obstacles that will certainly arise in the future. We're realistic enough to know there'll be hard times to come, and we've already prepared ourselves for that. But we're as sure as we can be, that we want to face those times together and come out the other end stronger for it.

There's really no one else on earth I'd rather share the good days, and overcome the bad ones with.

You're my one and only

Me [10:41 PM]: hahah d and i were comparing psychiatrists earlier on the phone and like, meds we've been on
Me [10:41 PM]: hahah uhhh
Me [10:42 PM]: and i told him i did actually remember knowing that we were speaking on the phone.. that a memory i'd TOTALLY forgotten about until 2 days came to mind and i told him what it was.. and he's like OMG YEAH I EVEN REMEMBER YOU SAYIN THAT AT THE TIME
Me [10:42 PM]: which was cool as hell
Me [10:42 PM]: i jsut re-read that, man that made NO sense
Me [10:44 PM]: ok i remembered 2 days ago suddenly that like, i remembered thinking back in like 1998/99 that the two people i was speaking to on the phone then were in area codes 501 and 703, which was odd.. because mine was 602.. so it was like, ascending order
501
602
703
and when he called like either yesterday or the day before, it occured to me he has 501 area code, and i was like.. OMG THAT WAS YOU, THE 501 WAS YOU
Me [10:47 PM]: holy fuck, i am like, gonna move in with DUSTIN this asshole i met ONLINE BACK IN 1998
Me [10:48 PM]: OMG
Me [10:49 PM]: DUSTIN, Dustin.. met him in like the "mental hospital" chatroom or some shit.. like SEVEN YEARS AGO and now love that man more than anything on earth.. but met all those years ago just as two stupid kids with lots of issues
Me [10:52 PM]: and now? i just spent 2 weeks at his house.. and am moving there, and he's so.. i'm so attracted to him, in every way.. you know? we lay there beside each other talking and laughing and.. and we have sex and hold each other and put puzzles together and go for hikes and ride horses.. and i see him in those blue shorts he wears to bed, and this long sleeved shirt of his i LOVE that i brought back with me and wear every day.. and i see him in the morning walking around in that.. and he kisses me goodbye
Me [10:53 PM]: in the mornings before he leaves for work, and i make him tea while he's gone.. and we drive around in the car listening to music with the windows down and we sing and dance along and we smoke pot together and go out for dinner and cuddle up and i held him when he was down the one night.. and we sat out on his porch talking for HOURS.. Dustin..
Me [10:58 PM]: and we went to new orleans and walked around mobile, and stopped at some tiny tiny town in mississippi at an old gas station in this old black town, and it shouldn't have been anything special, but it was.. we stopped for a few minutes and walked around and talked.. and we drove by some of these old gorgeous plantation homes.. and we laid in bed in the hotel in new orleans the one night and i cried, and he held me.. and just.. he's driving to arizona to come get me and for us to drive back to arkansas together.. and he's my family and my
Me [11:00 PM]: home and my heart.. and we make each other smile and we go to wal-mart and hold hands and talk seriously about things, and open up to each other.. and i admit things to him i never have to anyone else. and we sit in his spiderman room and he accidentally lights his trash can on fire and we laugh about it as the room fills with smoke. and he reads me plaques of information on the hiking trails and at the museum.. and we play games in the arcade of the airport.. and just.. omg that's Dustin.. that's the kid from 7 years ago and we'd stalk each other into
Me [11:00 PM]: chat rooms and fuck around in chats and be stupid
Me [11:02 PM]: i just.. it's unreal.. when i stop and think about it.. it's SO UNREAL


we were close back then, but nothing EVER more than friends, and then i disappeared one day, never ever in all my life expecting anything else to come of it. and i imagine he didn't either. we both went on with our lives, finding ourselves in and out of various different situations and with other people, and never really thought anything more of it until just a few months ago. and again this time, neither of us expecting, or even WANTING anything to come of it. we just carried on as friends, talking and joking around online and supporting one another when we were down. and now look at all we've already been through together. i mean, that only just touches on our two weeks together. i can't believe how much life has changed. it's so unrecognizeable from only a month ago.

i can't believe it's HIM. after ALL THESE YEARS. it's this person i never could've imagined anything would've come from. we never tried to make it happen, in fact even now we're both still trying to talk ourselves OUT of it. and it's him. we've both grown up these past 6 years, but it's like.. it's like we were never apart. we're so much alike it's scary. it's like we've always grown up together. it's so weird to be separated from someone for this length of time, find them again, and discover it was always them. that you had them 7 years ago and failed to realize it then, and very nearly failed to realize it this time around too. we have this connection that i've never known before. i look at him and i just smile. it's so simple. it's so pure. there's no having to reason with myself or justify being with him. there's no reward or added benefit of being with him. we're not together because there's some underlying agenda or something we hope to gain from the other, it's just.. total contentment. it's being around him and feeling like it should've always been this way, like i've found the perfect fit. all of this happiness from us meeting when we were just kids.. just stupid friends who liked to irritate other people in chatrooms. from THAT seven years ago, came this.

i'm MOVING TO ARKANSAS to live with DUSTIN.

i can't wait to see him again. 2 months and he'll be here to pick me up. i don't even care where we are, as long as we're together. i don't care if it's arizona or arkansas or fuckin like.. you know, some place that really sucks. i don't care. i just want him to be here already. i want to run and jump into his arms as he catches me (i love when he does that. it kinda sucks when i run up and jump, and he's not prepared, hahah jf) and i want to be in the car with him and talk and laugh and listen to music and have marley on my lap with her head out the window, and dustin's hand on my knee as it always is. and we look over at each other and smile and get all giddy like little kids. AHHHHHHHHH. I LOVE THE IDIOT FROM THE INTERNET. I honestly can not imagine it could EVER be better than this, that anyone has it better than what we have. He's my best friend on earth. And he's so freaking cute and I want to hug him all the time and jump him.. and just.. i just look at him and am overcome with joy. we both constantly catch ourselves looking at the other.

i love just.. seeing him walk around the house. his house? our house? the house. i can't believe it's him. and i can't believe it's this good. i figured we'd probably get along well, but i could've NEVER EVER imagined it'd be like this. i thought at best we'd get along pretty well, have fun, say goodbye, and then see each other again whenever we both had time. i truly never could've imagined we'd have this much fun but also be able to be totally open and loving and honest with each other as well. ok i've rambled on forever now.. and still i feel like i could keep talking.

the beach, road trips, gas stations, mcdonald's, side trip to new orleans, mobile & that whole night, his house, pinnacle, the old mill, the short pier, mississippi, the giant penis, my suitcase, hotel staff calls at 10:59 am, mexican restaurants, margaritas, wal-mart, running after the 'smitty' hat, taco fried chicken, 'thank you', trippin, pretzels in the trunk, horseback riding, the pond, 'speak no evil', first night going to bed, meeting his dad, catfish houses, tics, soul to squeeze, the sunset in alabama on the bridge, beer castles, fireworks, his porch, cooking dinner, our 'honeymoon', green hangers, family guy, 'does he have a bong?', 1998 address book, the deli, driving over the causeway, 'sun is shining', needing a pillow, fireworks, houses downtown, the market, fireflies, the woods, csi black and white tv, van morrison, coasters, upside down wallpaper, missing the exit, 'good morninggg', wind chimes, Feel Good Inc., Mema's, nearly missing my flight.. oh man.. so many other things i know i'm already forgetting. i can't believe all of that was in 2 weeks. honestly, a lifetime of memories in 2 weeks with him.

alright, i'm seriously going now. dude, i am.

I'm waiting for you

I didn't sleep well last night. I had 2 unsettling dreams. Not terrible, just.. annoying things to have to dream about. That, and I kept hearing random noises all night long. The weather here is record heat, and I have no a/c which means I sleep with all the windows open, and even then it's still stuffy. Usually the noise outside isn't enough to wake me, but I never fell into that good deep sleep last night, so I was constantly tossing and turning at every little sound. I swear I even heard what sounded like rocks being thrown against my bedroom window. I got up to check, and there were no rocks and no one was around. I also thought I heard someone say, "knock knock" and again I got up to check. Nope, nothing. It's apparently just the voices inside my head :P

Anyway, the first crappy dream I had was to do with Dustin. We must've been out at lunch or in some cafeteria, and for whatever reason, the subject of having kids was brought up. In my dream I tell him that while I have NO desire to have kids anytime in the next oh.. 6 years or so (at least) I thought maybe one day it might be nice. His response was pretty much like "fuck no." Then marriage was mentioned, and he said he had no intentions of ever being married and that he'd prefer to never see it go further than winding up common-law spouses.

I've never been overly fond of the idea of marriage because it scares me. I don't intend to ever get divorced, so I feel like I only have one chance to get it right. Once you're married, that's it. On top of that, I've never known a happily married couple. Marriage to me is almost like agreeing with someone to spend the rest of your lives making each other miserable.

I mean, I can be all starry-eyed and like.. enjoy the thought of being married to Dustin because I can't imagine it ever being better than what we have. But the idea of it still scares me. I think my dream was just a way of telling me I don't want it to fall into what Sean and I let it become. Obviously it was never right with Sean, but we let it carry on for five years without either committing to each other or letting it end as it probably should've about oh.. 3 months into it. I don't want to do that again. As incapable and unwilling of making plans as I am, after what just ended with Sean, I think I need some reassuring that if it's going good, there's some future, and if it's not, we won't let it drag on.

The other dream was actually about Jane. Her dog threw up all over her bed, and she blamed me for it. She said I'd once mentioned her dog reminded me of mine, and so when it threw up, it was my fault because it was similar to my old dog that died back in 1998. I got annoyed enough to actually raise my voice to her, tell her she was being an idiot, and then I heard another noise outside that startled me awake. What the fuck's it all about?

I really should be packing. I wanted to be out by Thursday of this coming week even though my lease isn't up until the 10th of June. I just want out of here. I'm sick of looking at the construction site across the street. I'm sick of the new layer of dust every day that eases its way in through the open windows. I'm sick of the sight of things that remind me of Sean. I'm sick of having to sort through all of these meaningless things I have, and what's worse.. stuff I thought was important enough to hold onto over the course of the past few years. I don't care about any of the crap here. I want it all sorted and done with, and I want Dustin here.

I think I've mentioned before that I've actually started leaving tons of my things out on the front porch, in the hopes someone will steal them and save me the trouble of having to do something with it all. All of this shit I've managed to accumulate and none of it means anything. I'm taking very little with me to Arkansas. All this crap I was certain I needed or wanted or couldn't do without. So far I'm finding I have about 3 boxes worth of clothes, one of random kitchen items, a box of CDs, movies, and books.. my computer and computer chair (long story behind having to bring the chair), some of my paintings and pictures, and a blanket. The rest of it I'll probably forget even existed as soon as it's in a box and out of sight.

Lyrics to the song I'm currently listening to. They seem really fitting right now.

One day she'll have the courage
To do what she wants to do
End that life of misery
And for once be happy

I know there's nothing here to run from

I have such a difficult time expressing emotions, as though it's a weakness or a flaw to have these raw overwhelming, uncontrollable feelings. To let someone see that side of you is exposing yourself to them completely. There's always this barrier in front of me that I never allow anyone past, not even myself. I bottle everything up inside, because that's easier than having to admit to and deal with it.

It was upsetting tonight speaking to Dustin on the phone and not being able to allow myself to be vulnerable to him. I want so badly to tell him how much I love him, and how much he means to me.. to tell him I've never felt safer than when I'm lying in his arms. As much as he protects me, I want to do the same for him. My biggest desire is for his happiness and well-being. The one night at his house when he was down, it hurt so much to see him battling with his own head. I didn't take it personally because I know how it works, how stormy and random and impartial it is, but it tore me up to see him hurting, and to know he wasn't well, and that I couldn't help. I want with all my heart for him to be content and without harm. I want to take away all of the fears and concerns that torment him. I can deal with my own, but it hurts too much to see him struggle with it.

There's so much I want to say to him.. to really open up and tell him. And I hate myself for not being able to. Why can't I? I WANT to. I want so badly to. What am I afraid of and why do I feel it's something to be ashamed of. I'm so fucking closed off and I don't know how to change it, even when I try to. He deserves so much more than I feel I can provide him. He deserves to know and to be told how strongly I care for him, how wonderful he is, how I think about him constantly. Every minute of every day. Nothing is complete without him anymore. Nothing is right, nothing is real. I've found the one thing that's been missing all my life, and I can't even express to him how important he is to me. I want to hold him and touch and hug and kiss him. I want to glance over and see him there beside me. Always. I want him beside me through life. Through everything. I look at him, and my heart and my head tell me this is the only thing that's ever been right.

It's always been him.

Well I got everything I need.

Man.. just spoke to Dustin on the phone for probably an hour and a half. You know what's weird.. I miss him more when we're talking than I do when we're apart. It's like.. when we're apart and I'm just getting on with daily things, I can almost convince myself that I'm ok and fairly content. But then we speak, and I'm reminded why I love him so much. Because we just get along so well. Because it's so enjoyable speaking to him. We sit there joking and laughing and it's just like.. yeah THIS is what happiness is, and so it makes me miss him even though he's right there. And we don't wallow in it, not TOO much. It's more just like.. this is so great.. this is what I miss. This is why I love you and why I can't wait to see you again, because we can talk like this. Because I love his company so much. I love being around him. We understand each other so well.

Damnit, two freakin months? How the hell. Like.. hurry up July. Is it July yet?

...How bout now?

In all seriousness though, I told him he felt like my family. He really does. He doesn't even feel like someone I'm dating or a boyfriend.. or even like some new exciting hollow love. He feels like.. like my family and my foundation. It feels like my home is there in Arkansas with him and Marley, and that that's our family and that it's always been that way. Yeah, that's a good way of describing it. Like we've always been together, and my home is there with him, and I'm away in Arizona on business and I'll be returning home to him and our family and our life.

It doesn't even feel like I'm going there to start something new. It feels like I'm returning to what I've always known and loved.

And I don't have a decent bone in me....

...What you get is just what you see, yeah.

Hmm.. today's been mixed emotions. I woke up feeling like total crap. For no reason. There never is a reason. By midday I was feeling 100% better. It's one of those things.

I felt bad earlier for not being able to be properly excited when Jane told me M bought his ticket to return to Florida. June 16 is the magic day, not long now. He seems to make her happy. I wonder what they'll do for 2 months. They get to like, play house. (Awwwwwww) how cute. :)

I'm not really sure what I intended this entry to be about.. I'm not in any specific frame of mind. I'm actually kind of bored. I have 349857345 things to be doing, and none of the motivation to get them done. Not tonight.. not right now. I think I'm done for the day. Today was actually really productive, but that was more to keep my mind off of Dustin and my mental state than to actually take care of stuff.

I do that a lot. I clean when I'm feeling down. Well, I didn't clean today, I packed. But yeah.. I tend to clean like some kinda Martha Stewart madwoman when I'm angry or down. Haha.. I said to Dustin earlier, "The 5 years Sean and I were together, my house was always spotless. It's a tell tale sign. If, when we're together, you start to notice the house is always in immaculate condition, start to worry." It's true. The more content I am, the worse my place looks. And it's a fucking shithole right now. I'm gonna keep telling myself that's more to do with moving than with being a slob. Although moving doesn't account for the opened can of beans sitting in the sink. Yeah, they've been there more than a few days now. I'm pretty nasty when I want to be.

How to operate with a blown mind

Today's been pretty fucking good. Spoke to Dustin online a bit today. I love that man. We're so incapable of being serious, and it's perfect. We make each other laugh so much. I was actually bordering on being slightly down just about an hour ago, but he called for only a few minutes before he left work for the night, and by the end of the phone call we were both completely happy and laughing and content with everything.

It's not that we're never serious or that we don't discuss things when we need to, it's just that.. we take very little seriously. We just enjoy each others' company and let it go from there. We don't make plans or talk about the future, aside from me going to live with him in 2 months. But even then, we joke about it more than anything.

I'm able to completely be myself around him. I don't hold back saying things or acting how I would when no one else is around. It's like we've known each other all our lives. Like we've always been together.. almost like we've grown up together. We have the same flaws and habits even. It's insane.

You know what it's like... it's like.. I've never in all my life felt NORMAL. I've always felt like I was insane and alone, and that no one else around understood. That no one else ever got it, ever saw what I was seeing, ever reacted the way I'd react. And now we're together.. I feel so healthy and normal. I feel like I've found the one other person who gets it the way I do. I feel normal. He said the same thing. As insane as we both are, when we're together.. we think of ourselves and of the other as being normal.

Oh man.. we make each other laugh so much. He's truly my best friend. I can't ever imagine anyone else. It's not even that I miss him so terribly much (although I do).. it's more that I SO completely look forward to seeing him again.

With Sean it was always, "I miss him" but I missed the idea of him more than the reality and his actual presence. As soon as he was around again, I was immediately wishing he wasn't. With Dustin it's just like.. I know how happy we are around each other, and I get excited knowing we'll be in each others' company again soon. Things are tolerable without him, but completely enjoyable and fun and perfect when we're together. My emotions toward him aren't wrapped up in missing him, they're wrapped up in being excited and happy to think of seeing him again soon. It's not even like, "oh I can't wait to show him this or that, or to take him here or there." It's just, I can't wait to see him again. It's not about going to do exciting things, or about planning our future, or about being unable to live without him. It's just about being around him, plain and simple. About enjoying the stupidist, silliest things together. You know.. it's like whenever the color on your television looks kind of grayed out, and so you fuck around with the hues and brightness.. and suddenly everything's much more vivid. That's how I feel around him. Everything comes to life, it's all enjoyable and bright and real. It's like my senses come alive. Everything is curious and tangible and interesting... not sort of dull and gray as it always has been before.

I'm gonna stop, I'm so gay.

I've never been so happy. I love him to pieces. :)

One million miles away

This time last year, I was in Paris with Sean. Wow.. 12 months and what a difference. That feels like 2 lifetimes ago, or as the subject indicates.. one million miles away. Actually, this time last year our relationship was as good as it'd ever been, by far. I was actually starting to think I could be happy with Sean long-term. Who knew a month and a half later he'd tell me he'd fallen out of love with me after he met a co-worker in Indianapolis. I knew even then it was for the best, but I had no idea come May of this year, things would be so completely different. And even if someone had told me the outcome, I'd never have believed them. I mean.. get back in touch with DUSTIN, 7 years later, discover he's my best friend, we fall in love, and I'm packing to move to Arkansas to be with him. You have to be kidding me.

And I've never been happier, and I can't imagine it's possible to be more sure of something than I am of him.

Sun is shining, weather is sweet

So after that long depressing post, Dustin managed to sign on from home for a few. We im'ed back and forth for about half an hour before he lost the signal altogether. Oh man.. I really do love him. It's just.. too much fun. It's so easy. We talk for 30 minutes and instead of it being just like, "I miss you" "i miss you too" "i love you".. we wind up joking around and being all hyper and smiley and laughing.

I mean, obviously it does hurt not being around him, but I almost feel more just like.. lucky to have him in my life and excited to know I'm going to get to see him again soon. And well, anytime we start talking, it naturally just sort of turns to random stupidity. It's way too much fucking fun. That's what it is.. it's FUN. It's completely enjoyable.

Earlier today I was in such a good mood listening to songs we had on a lot in the car. One is a dance mix of Sun is Shining by Bob Marley.. He and I were in his car driving on the causeway on the way to the beach.. windows were down, nice breeze, sunny skies. It's one of my favorite memories. We'd eaten some shrooms.. I was trippin hard and also fairly stoned. It was perfect. The song comes on, and I instantly recognize it and was like.. I can't believe you have this exact same version of this song. He was surprised I knew it.. and we both sat there tripping and laughing and dancing and enjoying each other's company. We drove over the water and it danced all around me. I was staring up into the sky and everything was alive and colorful.. we kept looking over at each other and smiling. Oh man. I love him. I really do. I can't even describe it. I've never been so happy in all my life, with anyone or anything.

Take it all in on your stride

I woke up feeling better today. Much better. Last night was rough, but then I guess I should've expected that. I don't know why I neglected to even consider the possibility that leaving Flagstaff would be difficult. It's not as though I'm leaving forever. I may be back sooner than even I realize. Obviously I hope that's not the case, because if I find myself back in Arizona.. it probably means things haven't gone as planned. My spirits were up today, but just in the past hour this feeling of slight depression has begun to set in again. This feels so fake now. I've just spent the past 4 weeks living life. I mean really living life. And now here I am in front of the computer, with no human interaction of any kind.. and it all feels so fake. I have the television on, but I'm not paying the least bit of attention to it. It doesn't hold my interest anymore. Nothing does. Nothing feels whole. My mind and heart are split between Florida and Arkansas, and it feels as though there's nothing left for me here in Arizona.

That probably sounded more depressing than I intended for it to. I just mean I don't feel like I'm living as I'm sat here alone by myself, missing my friends and Dustin. I feel alone and discontent being here suddenly. Flagstaff's great.. but what good is any of it if I'm not sharing it with the people I love? It makes me wish I'd spent the day doing what I came back to do. I should be packing. I should be sorting things out to leave. I did none of that. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Having one day of laziness before I start the process of leaving is reasonable.

I said to Dustin on the phone earlier today that the one good thing to come out of being apart and back in Flagstaff for 2 months, is that it's made me realize I do wish to return to him. I worried maybe I'd be back here and wish to stay. And last night it looked like that might be the case, and I was scared and worried and over-analyzing everything. But today's made it clear that my time here is coming to an end. I really feel like a new chapter of my life is beginning. I'm more down this very minute than I've been in more than a month. This can't be healthy. Living my life down a phoneline can't be beneficial to my mental health. God.. this is so fucking fake and unimportant. Give me back what I had just a matter of 48 hours ago. That's what I want. That's what matters and that's what's real.

Oh... so I called Nik today. The last time we'd spoken was back in September before I went to San Francisco. We'd gone out for a meal and talked a bit. It was apparent then we were moving in different directions and had very little in common anymore. Not that we ever really did, but it wasn't even enjoyable seeing her again. She mentioned then that there was a possibility she and her husband would be moving to Missouri in May. So I called her and wanted to get caught up. She's had a turbulent past 6 months. Apparently they've had to sell their house to pay for legal fees after her husband fell asleep at the wheel, hit another car, and killed one of the passengers. They're living with his mom, which in itself is bad enough.. but she's also expecting their first child in a few months. I can't even imagine being in that position. She sounds overwhelmed, and who wouldn't be. Her tone of voice pretty much said it all. She sounds dead already. I didn't know what to say. I've never heard her sound more tired of life.

Maybe that's why I'm down right this minute. I mean.. up until we spoke on the phone, it'd been a relatively good day. I was hyper and giddy knowing I'd be returning to Dustin soon. But speaking to her maybe hit home the fact that we really are growing up and.. settling down (?).

Maybe settling down isn't the right description for my situation, but that's how it feels. I've spent my whole life trying to avoid responsibility, and here I am about to thrust myself right into the thick of it in 2 months. There's always an out if I wanted it badly enough. I guess time will tell.

When all I want is you

An e-mail I just sent Dustin. It's easier than trying to describe my current feelings:

4:41 AM..and I'm still awake. I've gone through the full range of emotions tonight. I think at one point I'd even convinced myself the whole thing was a dream and we must certainly be making it up. Even talked myself into believing it couldn't possibly be this good and that it must mean we're better off as just friends. That lasted about an hour. Ok, this isn't funny anymore. I'm ready for you to be here or me to be there. ...Make it stop. :P

-me

What a trip

So I got back to my apartment earlier tonight. A week later than originally planned. I don't even know where to begin....

Florida was amazing. Too many memories to even begin to speak of. Prophets, shrooms, demons, laundromats, space travel, pretzels, marriage proposals, lesbians.. it continues.

And then there's Arkansas. My time in Florida was cut short a week when Dustin showed up at the pier one day. He just decided to get in his car, drove to Florida to surprise me, stayed with Jane and I a few days, and well.. I drove back to Arkansas with him. We walked around Mobile, Alabama late one night for about an hour. It was magical. I know.. Mobile, Alabama. But it was perfect. And we somehow also wound up in New Orleans overnight and spent half the following day exploring the city. Two days in the car together and it felt like 10 minutes. We talked and joked.. and smoked.. and laughed and cried and held each other. It's all surreal. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

I spent 2 weeks at his house in Little Rock. And now I'm moving there. Yeah. I'm moving to Arkansas in about 2 months' time. I've only come back here to pack my things for good. This is the only thing that's ever made sense in all my life.

I've never felt more certain about anything. I've fallen in love with my best friend.